Carry on Again Doctor Page #3

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Everyone has a bit of fun now and again.

Do they, sir?

As a matter of fact, I think you can help me.

I've got a bit of a sex problem myself.

Ooh, well, you don't have to around here, sir.

There's a little nurse in Ward B...

No, no, I don't mean the physical side.

I know what's what and where's where.

You can't be a surgeon

without noticing these things.

No, of course not, sir.

I'm taking this lady to dinner and, I'll be frank,

I want to... impress her, if you see what I mean.

- I do, sir. You're on the make.

- Yes...

In a manner of speaking. And I haven't had

much experience in these matters.

Oh, I see, sir.

Well, if I were you, as soon as you've

sat her down, I'd er... give her the business.

- What, sitting down?

- Start chatting her up. A bit of flannel.

How beautiful you are.

What lovely big eyes you have.

And other things.

I couldn't say "What lovely big other things."

- Blimey, you haven't had much experience.

- No.

How about if I jotted down a few lines

and you can try them out?

You'd do that for me? Oh,

that would be most kind of you, Dr Nookey!

- Is Dr Nookey still in there?

- Yes, Doctor.

(Chuckles) I'd hate to be in his shoes.

Still, it's high time

he were taken down a peg or two.

I expect that'll give you great pleasure, Doctor.

DR CARVER:
I'm sorry, but I've got to say it.

You're the most wonderful person I've ever met.

Every time I look into your beautiful eyes

I'm filled with ecstasy.

DR NOOKEY:
Now hold hands. That's good.

DR CARVER:
What a lovely little hand

you've got.

DR NOOKEY:
Kiss it, then.

Oh, that's it. Oh, I adore you.

DR CARVER:
I...

Jolly good, sir. By this time,

you'll have got her on the run already.

Please go on.

My darling, I must tell you.

Now, you do something exciting to me.

Eh?

No, no, look. Oh, my darling, I must tell you now.

You do something exciting to me.

Oh, sorry.

# Light jazz

Do you realise we've known each other

for four whole weeks now?

Yeah. Do you think that's a record?

I don't know. It's the longest I've been out

with a girl without getting somewhere.

What do you mean,

"without getting somewhere"?

- We went to Bognor last Sunday.

- You know what I mean.

Yeah, but I don't want to spoil it, Jim.

Don't be silly. It likes to be spoilt.

Um... you ever thought of getting married?

- Married? What for?

- Oh, never mind.

Oh, look at that couple dancing over there.

Something wrong?

- Er... no, no. I just dropped something.

- Oh, got it?

Yes, thank you.

Ellen, my dear,

you look absolutely ravishing tonight.

Oh, Frederick, how very nice of you to say so.

Yes.

Um... isn't Matron looking charming

over there, out of uniform.

This is the happiest moment of my life.

I should taste it first, mate, if I was you.

Yes. Ahem. Of course. Thank you.

Ellen, my dear, to you.

And to you, I'm sure.

Quite nice. (Coughs)

(Gulps) Yes.

Anyway, you won't have to worry much longer

about getting nowhere.

- Really?

- Yes. I've had an offer to go to Italy. Filming.

Italy? But that's miles away.

- Oh, clever boy.

- Oh, no, Goldie. You don't want to go, do you?

Well, no, not really, but I do have to

support myself... being a single girl.

Oh, hell. There must be some way around this.

Yes, well, you're the doctor.

Suggest something.

- I've got it.

- Yes, Jim?

There's a job going here,

in the almoner's office.

Oh, you make me so mad.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the next dance is a general excuse-me.

Excuse me!

# Lively dance music

May I, Doctor?

Miss Fosdick really looks quite gay, doesn't she?

My dear! My dear...

I can't tell you how much tonight means to me.

(Shouts over music)

Just to see your lovely face.

I beg your pardon?

(Shouts)

To hear your lovely voice.

Must you play so blasted loud?

I can hardly hear myself think!

Oh, do go on, Frederick.

- Go on?

- With what you were saying.

Oh, yes.

Oh, I've dropped my napkin. Excuse me.

- Your lovely... Your eyes like stars...

- Frederick!

I don't know whether it's me you're after

or my money,

but I wish you'd put that stupid

piece of paper down and stop messing about.

(Screams)

Dr Stoppidge! Dr Stoppidge!

Could you come, please?

Miss Armitage is having one of her turns again.

Oh, no. Would you excuse me, sir?

Of course, Dr Stoppidge. Run along.

(Miss Armitage screams)

Stay where you are.

Death before dishonour.

You keep that lusting lecher away from me.

- Who's she talking about?

- You, Doctor.

Me? Oh! I didn't think it showed.

She's been like this ever since that incident

with Dr Nookey.

She thinks every man's after her.

We can't have her

disturbing the rest of the patients like this.

Now, come, come, Miss Armitage.

We mustn't be a silly girl, must we?

Keep back. Keep back.

You know me. I'm Dr Stoppidge.

Hmph. You're all the same.

You're only after one thing.

No, no, that's quite untrue, Miss Armitage.

I only want to get you into bed.

Argh!

Get out of here,

you sex maniac!

Oh, this is all Dr Nookey's fault.

The sooner he goes, the better.

Well, you didn't exactly help matters.

- Is there a private room free?

- Yes. Number 10.

You'd better put her in there for tonight.

- I'll give you a sedative for her.

- Yes.

Right. Give her one of these.

She'll think it's the Pill, but that can't be helped.

Thank you.

- There we are, my dear.

- Thank you, Frederick.

As a matter of fact, I was wondering

if you could help me.

Of course, I'd do anything for you.

You know that, my dear.

You see, I'm in a bit of trouble.

Oh, I don't think I could do anything like that.

Well, you haven't heard what it is yet.

It's that medical mission of mine

- in the Beatific Islands.

- Oh, I see. And how can I help you there?

We lost our resident doctor some weeks ago,

and I can't find anyone to replace him.

I'm not surprised.

Any doctor would be a fool

to bury himself in a dump like that.

Well, surely you can find me someone.

I doubt it. I don't know anyone so stupid...

Oh, I don't know though...

Dr Nookey.

Oh, yes, sir?

Tell me, how would you like to have a splendid

job with a medical mission abroad?

A medical mission? Abroad?

You must be joking.

(Chuckles) A medical mission!

You see? And believe me,

they don't come any stupider than him.

If you can't do a simple thing like that to help me,

how do you expect me to help you?

- Don't be like that, Ellen.

- It isn't much to ask.

No, it isn't, and I promise you

I'll do my best to think of someone.

You'd better.

- And a fruit cup, sir.

- Thank you very much indeed.

- Hello.

- Hello.

- How's that, sir?

- I do like a bit of leg.

WAITER:
Yes.

JIM:
Thank you.

There we are. Sorry I've been so long.

There's ham and turkey for you, and one for me.

- I'm sorry, but it's only fruit cup.

- No, thanks. I have to watch my figure.

If I may say so, it's well worth watching.

If I don't, I blow up like a balloon.

That's all right.

I know a good game with balloons.

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

Now, as I was saying...

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