Carry on Again Doctor Page #4

---

(Coughs and splutters)

Mmm-mm! Ah-ah-argh!

That's pretty good stuff. Mm.

You'll be quite all right now.

There are no men in this room.

Nurse.

# Cha-cha-cha music

Hia-hup. Hai-a-up-ah!

Ho-de-up-de-ho!

(Jim sings drunkenly)

- (Slurs) Oh, I'm very sorry.

- Simmer down.

Your boss has got his beady eye on you.

You know what he can do with his eye.

(Giggles and sings)

(Music stops)

- Phew!

That wine cup must've been good.

You forgotten you're driving me home?

It's all right, it's all right.

- What about the Breathalyser?

- What about it? I can breathe.

GOLDIE:
Never mind. I'll walk home.

Oh, no, no. See, I've got an idea.

Look, stay here.

Oh, yes, and where am I going to sleep,

if that's not a silly question?

It is, see, because I've got it all worked out.

There's a private room empty.

Number 10. Shh.

I don't know. Is it allowed?

Well, of course. Who's to know?

Come on, quick, before the rush.

Jim, I don't think this is such a good idea.

- (Slurs) Nonsense, it's a wonderful idea.

- But I haven't got a nightie.

- I have.

- A nightie?

No, no. I'll lend you my japamas.

- Pyjamas.

- That's what I said, japamas.

Now, you go and get undressed

and I'll bring them to you.

Jim, darling, be sensible.

We don't want to spoil things.

We won't spoil them.

You see, they're nylon. Drip-dry.

I didn't mean the pyjamas.

Shh. Now, this is the room. Number 10.

I'll go and get them

and then we can have a little...

Oh, Jim, not that old bit.

Shh. I love you. Back soon.

(Hums to himself)

Come on. Where are you?

Ah, Moet, my old chum, your hour has come.

- Taxi'll be here in a minute, miss.

- Oh, thank you.

Would you see that Dr Nookey gets this

first thing in the morning?

- Certainly, miss.

- Thank you.

(Hums drunkenly)

Ah, you're in bed, eh?

Won't be a sec.

Just a drop of the old passion juice

to get us in the mood, eh?

Argh!

- Argh!

- It's all right, it's only the cork.

- I said, it's only...

- Argh!

Ah. Oh, no... Oh, no, not you again.

- Argh!

- No, shush.

- (Screams hysterically)

- No, I don't want you. I want my Goldie.

- (Miss Armitage screams)

- The private patients' wing!

Goldie! Where are you?

Yoo-hoo!

Gold-ie!

Dr Nookey! I might have known.

Get back, you, Carver, or I'll chop your head off.

- Get hold of him, he's mad!

- Anyone for Casualty?

Goldie!

Goldie, where are you?

Oh... Hold this.

Goldie!

Help!

Goldie!

Nurse! Nurse! Help!

Goldie!

Goldie!

Gol... Argh!

Oh!

Argh!

Look out!

He-e-e-l-p!

Oh, no.

He-e-e-l-p!

- Argh!

(Crashing and clattering)

(Giggles drunkenly)

Hm... Dr Nookey's explanation is that he went

to the private ward to see his girlfriend.

- That is correct.

- But if there was a girl, why did she disappear?

Well, you can't knock down

a coconut every time.

No, I think what Mr Carver means

is that he had arranged a clandestine meeting

with a girl who then changed her mind.

Quite so, Mr Chairman.

We shouldn't condemn a doctor to be struck off

just because he made the wrong diagnosis

of what is or is not crumpet.

"I'm sorry, darling, but I guess

I'm just an old-fashioned girl at heart

and I just don't like... wearing japamas.

Goodbye. It's been fun.

Goldie."

He can't be allowed to practise in this hospital.

Or in any other, for that matter.

Of course not,

but if I may have a quiet word with him,

I think I've a solution

that will satisfy everyone...

with the possible exception of Dr Nookey.

All right, Mr Carver.

- Bad news, sir?

- Disastrous.

In fact, in medical parlance,

you're up the alimentary canal without a paddle.

That means the medical council, then.

No, I've enough influence with the Board

to dissuade them,

if I can assure them

you'll clear off out of the country, go abroad.

- Where, though?

- There's that job with the medical mission.

Please, sir, I have not sunk that low.

All right. It's up to you.

I suppose there are other jobs for ex-doctors.

Well, where is this mission?

A place called Azure Bay in the Beatific Islands.

Very good salary, too.

The Beatific Islands.

That doesn't sound too bad.

Imagine it, Nookey. A tropical paradise.

Beautiful warm seas. The smell of oleander.

Dusky maidens. Great big coconuts.

Oh, I love great big... (Gulps) coconuts.

No shortage of them out there.

It's the heat. Has a funny effect on them.

- When can I go?

- Right away.

I couldn't do that, sir, no.

I've got things to buy and things to pack.

Shall we say... half an hour?

The Beatific Islands?!

Someone must have a sense of humour.

(Kookaburra laughs)

- Are you sure we're in the right country?

Yes, yes. All right, Dr Cookey.

- Nookey, mate, Nookey!

- Yes, yes. Cookey. I know.

Look.

PORTER:
There's medical mission. Azure Bay.

Oh, gawd blimey.

Come on.

Well, give us a push.

Watch it, there's a crocogator.

Wait, please. I get mission orderly -

Mr Gladstone.

Mr Gladstone!

- Mr Gladstone!

- Gladstone?

Big white doctor from England come.

(Giggling and slapping)

I was just breaking in a new nurse.

Showing her where everything is, where it goes.

- This Dr Kinky.

- Cookey.

No, no, I mean Nookey.

I've been sent out to take over this mission.

- They didn't tell me they were sending anybody.

- No, that's obvious.

Anyway, welcome to Azure Bay, doc.

May the fertility of Sumaca swell your coconuts.

- I beg your pardon?

- It's a local greeting. Nothing personal.

- I'm the orderly here. Screwer's the name.

- Screwer?

Gladstone Screwer.

They just call me Gladstone.

I'm not altogether surprised.

- Well, may I come in?

- Eh? Oh, yes.

Katunga katunga. Chop chop.

Yargh! Ooh! Argh!

I'm sorry about that.

It's woodworm, you see.

- (Groans)

- You all right?

- Yes, just a compound fracture.

- Would you like to see the doctor?

No, I was only jok...

Doctor? You already have a doctor here?

- Not a proper one. Sort of a local medicine man.

- A witch doctor?

- What doctor?

- Witch doctor.

Yeah, witch doctor.

Good for witches but not for us.

Would you like to look round the mission now?

Oh, no. Tomorrow morning will do.

All I want now is to get a good sleep.

Oh, I see you've got a hammock.

I wouldn't use that...

(Chuckles)

Oh, well. He shouldn't last too long.

(Mosquito buzzes)

(Buzzing continues)

(Mutters angrily)

- Good morning, Mr Gladstone.

- Morning.

Thank you.

Morning, doc. Have a good sleep?

No, I didn't. Those damn mosquitoes

made a meal out of me.

- We've got lots. It's the drains.

- What's wrong with them?

- We haven't got any.

- Why not?

Mrs Moore provides the money.

What do you do with it?

You know what it's like.

There's always lots of medical supplies to buy.

It hasn't been spent on decoration.

- Coffee, doc?

- Oh, thank you.

- Coconut?

- Er, no, I'll have it black.

Mm. Unusual flavour.

Yes, locally made... from beetles.

Beetles?

- Betel nuts, that is.

- Oh, that's better.

Very interesting.

The women roast the nuts,

crush 'em in their teeth,

then spit 'em out on mats to dry.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes