Carry on Again Doctor Page #5

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(Gulps) Fascinating.

I'm glad to know they've got

good drying weather. I've only seen rain.

- Ooh, it only rains for nine months of the year.

- Nine months.

We're in the pregnant belt.

- What happens during the other three months?

- The hurricane period.

Great.

Rain for nine months, hurricanes for three.

That's why the natives call these islands

Allpiss N'Alfalfa.

- All rain and wind.

- Charming.

What time does this surgery open?

Any time you like, doc.

Nobody ever comes to it.

- What do you mean?

- They go to the native doctor.

- They don't trust white man's medicine.

- What the hell do I do?

There's bags to do, doc.

Swimming, if you're not worried about sharks.

The indoor sports are popular.

If you'd like me to fix you up with a bit of crum...

Oh, no, thanks.

Oh, hang on, hang on.

We've got a jigsaw puzzle. It's good.

Queen Victoria and her family. 500 pieces.

No, I'm wrong. 499.

One dropped down the whatsit.

If no-one comes here for treatment, what is the

good of spending all this money on medicines?

I mean, look, there is masses of it.

- Er...

- Just look at that. Ha.

Whisky? Where did that come from?

That? That came from an old wreck.

- What old wreck?

- The last doctor we had here.

- (Chuckles)

- This is ridiculous. Ridiculous!

I mean, just look at this place. It's a...

- Hospital?

- Nothing in there. How about some break...

- I thought you said there were no patients.

- They're not exactly patients.

- What are they doing here, then?

- Well, they're my wives and kids.

- Your wives?

- Only these five here.

Come on, I'll introduce you.

There we are.

There's... Monday, Tuesday...

...Wednesday... Thursday...

- And last, but definitely not least...

- Friday.

- That's it.

- Well, I'll be damned.

No problem with what to do

with your spare time.

I don't know.

There's not much doing at the weekend.

Um... I hope you don't mind them

stopping here, doc.

It's a pity not to use the beds,

and it saves me a long walk to the village.

Yes, and I can see you have to conserve

every ounce of your strength.

Hm, it's a good skeleton.

Did the last doctor leave it here?

- That is the last doctor.

- That does it.

Call me in a couple of weeks.

If you last that long.

Ooh!

Twit.

It's just the place, my dear.

It'll make a marvellous private clinic.

20 bedrooms. That attic studio as an operating

theatre, and those magnificent drawing rooms.

Suppose I put up the money.

What do I get out of it?

- Oh, a partnership, my dear. You know that.

- Yes, but...

- I haven't said I'd buy yet.

- Oh, come. You did agree.

- If I found a doctor for your mission...

- But I don't know if he's all right.

I haven't heard from them since he arrived.

Anything might be happening.

(Wind howls)

(Rhythmic drumming)

(Sobs)

Breakfast, doc.

Good news. The rains have stopped.

The hurricanes are here.

Yes, I had noticed that.

Here, doc. Doc... why don't you go home?

This place is no good to you.

Well, there's nothing to go home for,

is there, Gladstone?

- Nobody loves me.

- You'll go barmy if you stay here.

I've seen it happen. My own father, for instance.

He came out as a missionary.

Ah, but missionaries are good men.

People love them.

Oh, Gladstone,

why do you stay out here yourself?

Well, I was born here. I don't know any different.

- I get enough for my simple needs.

- Yes, in the hospital, eh?

Here, doc. A bit of that

wouldn't do you any harm.

Jigsaw puzzles are OK,

but they'll never replace the other.

I only want one woman.

One's enough to start with, I suppose.

- I didn't mean that exactly.

- Just listen to me.

We have a bird here, unattached. Beautiful.

I'd think about her myself,

but I'm doing a five-day week.

- No, no, no. No, thank you, no.

- Listen.

She'd do anything for you, absolutely anything.

- Anything?

- Anything.

I could do with a bit... Hic!

...of help... with my jigsaw.

Attaboy, doc. Don't move. I'll bring her in.

Scrubba!

Scrubba? That's a funny name for a girl.

- What's the matter? Don't you like?

- Oh, no.

No, no, I mean...

It's just that she's...

Look, could we be alone for a few moments?

Righto, doc, I'll be back in a minute.

- No, not me and her, you and me.

- Oh.

Oh, I see. All right, then.

Tantanga boolat.

Something's bothering you, doc.

Well, it's just that...

Well, she's a charming girl and all that,

but she's not quite what I expected.

I see. She's not big enough for you.

On the contrary, she could well have been

the original white man's burden.

I don't understand it. Out here we like 'em big.

A woman's attraction is judged by her... size.

Oh, yeah. Well, I'm quite certain her mantelpiece

is stuffed with trophies.

But you see, where I come from,

we like them sort of more...

Just a minute.

See, more like that.

- Straight?

- Well, with a bit of a wiggle here and there.

Preferably there.

If that's what you want, it's easy enough.

Just give us a week.

- Oh, Gladstone, what's the point?

(Rhythmic drumming)

Oh, those damn drums.

- Why do they keep pounding like that?

- Shh.

Hang on.

Gladstone, where are you going? Gladstone?

- (Slurs) Gladstone, Gladstone.

- Shh.

- It can't be.

- Wh-What's wrong?

Manchester United 6...

...Chelsea 1.

(Drumming continues)

Arsenal 5...

Wolves nil.

Wait here.

(Typing)

- Is Mr Carver in?

- Yes, Mrs Moore.

- I'm afraid he's seeing someone.

- That's right. Me.

Now, take a deep breath

and don't breathe out until I say so.

Good. Now...

Oh, Ellen, my dear, how fortunate.

I've got the contract for the house

for you to sign.

Never mind that. Take a look at this.

- What's this? Gladstone Screwer?

- The orderly of the medical mission. Read it.

CARVER:

"Dear Madam, it is with great regret

that I write to inform you of the disgraceful

behaviour of your new Dr Nookey.

Since coming here, he's done nothing

but drink whisky and debauch women.

Unless he's recalled,

both items will soon be exhausted.

Whilst doing this,

he's been neglecting his duties,

and all around him

the natives are dying like flies."

- Flies?!

- Flies, yes. It says flies.

(Splutters)

- What's wrong with him?

- It's all right. You can breathe out now.

- (Splutters and coughs)

- Lopus hystericum.

I knew something was going on.

I had a premonition.

- I don't know what to do.

- Then think of something.

I'll write him a stiff letter. On cardboard.

It's no joke, Frederick.

You'll have to find another doctor.

I had enough trouble getting him out there.

- Well, then, you can tear up this contract.

- No, wait.

I'll fly out there myself. Right away.

How about that?

Very well, then. So long as it is right away.

(Wind howls)

Doc. Hey, Dr Nookey.

- (Mutters) Is that Goldie?

- No, it's me. Gladstone.

I've brought that bird back.

Remember? Scrubba?

- Oh, no.

- You'll like her now. I'll bring her in. Scrubba!

GLADSTONE:
Tipita katunga.

- Look, no, no, no.

I told you last week. All I want is...

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