Carry on Again Doctor Page #6

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- Is that the same girl?

- Of course.

(Whimpers)

But last week she was as big as a... With the...

But now look... How did she do it?

- Her doctor gave her some stuff.

- Medicine?

- Yeah. It's easy enough.

- Easy enough?

I know women back home who'd give

a fortune for that sort of stuff. A fortune.

- That is it!

- You all right, doc?

Fine. Gladstone, how does he make that stuff?

A little juice from the banyan tree,

powdered parrot droppings,

- a little gnats' milk.

- Do you think I could make it?

Oh, no. There's an art to it.

Have you ever tried to milk a gnat?

All right. But if I were to pay for it,

would he give it to me then?

- Pay?

- Yes. You know - money, ackers, gelt.

How about a hundred English cigarettes

a bottle?

- Cigarettes?

- That's the usual currency here.

Two hundred, if you like!

Two hundred?! It's a deal.

Here we are. Twice daily for a week, injected.

Cigarettes first.

Oh, no. I know you. I'll give them to him myself.

Then I can make certain of a regular supply.

Let me tell you something. That doctor is me.

You?

- Yeah.

- Him. I might have known it.

There we are. There'll be plenty more coming,

so get out your milking stool.

(Whispers)

She wants to know if she can do something

to please you now.

Oh, no...

Yes. Yes, there is.

What?

She can help me pack. I'm going back home.

Thank you, George.

I shall be going back to the clinic at 12.

(Women chatter)

ALL:
Doctor!

(All talk at once)

There he is!

WOMEN:
Doctor, Doctor...

Thank you, Miss Filkington-Battermore.

- Deirdre.

- Oh... Deirdre.

I don't know what I'd have done without you.

I do feel one should do everything one can

to please one's employer.

I mean, when one doesn't do

all that silly typing and shorthand,

one has to make up for it in other ways,

doesn't one?

Well, I expect so, yes.

Well, I suppose it's about time we got down to it.

Anything you say, Doctor.

I'm ready.

Oh, no. I meant to go through the letters.

Oh.

I do feel I should point out

that I like my employers

to make their needs absolutely clear, Doctor.

Well, now...

(Squeakily) Are these all...

Are these all applications for treatment?

Yes, Doctor.

Now, what time's my first appointment?

In ten minutes, Doctor.

So, if there's anything else you want...

Well, as a matter of fact, I...

I would like to have a look at my paper.

It's there for you, Doctor.

Oh, yes, I know it is.

Oh, the paper. Oh, th-th-thank you very much.

What's this? "Well-known surgeon saved"?

"Mr Frederick Carver,

eminent British surgeon,

boarding a plane last night for England.

Mr Carver was one of the survivors

of the schooner Bellavista,

which foundered in a hurricane

off the Beatific Isles last Sunday."

Keep the change.

Mr Carver, sir.

Welcome back.

How nice to see you looking so well.

Yes, never mind all that. Where's Dr Nookey?

- Where is he?

- He's not been back here.

- Not been back? What do you mean...

- Oh...

Be off with you now.

There are no beds here for vagrants.

Vagrants?! Who's that?

The new matron, sir.

The new matron?

What happened to Miss Soaper?

She left three months ago.

Left? Why? What's going on around here?

Where's Dr Stoppidge?

Oh, he'll be in his... in your office, sir.

In my office... indeed.

Hello, sir. I didn't know you were back.

Obviously you didn't. And what are you doing

lolling about in my office?

Sorry, sir. They asked me to take over

while you were away.

- We didn't know if you were coming back.

- I very nearly didn't.

I can't say I blame you, sir. All those

dusky island beauties. Pretty hot stuff.

You don't seem to realise

what I've been through.

I was three months on that wretched island.

All of them in bed, trying to stop them scratching.

Really? I'd no idea they were so passionate.

They had chickenpox, you fool, and so did I.

Surely you must have had it before.

No, I've never had it. Never had it.

I've never had it. Never had time to have it.

When I did get off the wretched island,

the boat sank.

- How awful.

- You know who's responsible?

Nookey. By the time I've finished with him,

he'll never practise medicine again.

He'll be lucky to get a job curing kippers.

Oh.

- Then you hadn't heard, sir.

- Heard what?

- It seems he's on the way to making a fortune.

- What?

He's made a wonderful new discovery

for curing chronic overweight.

Rubbish. He couldn't discover a soft cushion

as a cure for a boil on the backside.

It's true, sir. It's been in the papers.

Fancy consulting rooms, new country clinic,

more clinics to follow.

Impossible.

Where would he get the money for all that?

He's gone into partnership

with that wealthy widow. Mrs Moore.

Oh, no.

I'm afraid so, sir. There's a picture

of their new clinic in last month's journal.

That's the place she was going to buy for me!

He must be making a bloomin' fortune.

Gladstone, we'll have to get in on this.

Saturday!

Oi, Saturday!

Yes, dear. Did you call?

- Yes, I'm going to have to take a trip.

- That's nice.

- Would you like me to come?

- No, you stay here. The rest'll do you good.

CARVER:
"Come unto us

all you who are heavy laden."

(Sneers)

In the first three months of business,

we've cleared L#10,000.

Marvellous. So that's what they mean

by living off the fat of the land, eh?

Jim, I'm so glad you came to me with this.

I feel it was fated, you see - us to get together.

Now, Ellen, we must keep this

purely on a business partnership.

Oh, I mean business, believe me.

(Gulps) Yes, well, er...

- About these clinics...

- Jim, I've decided...

I want to have it off.

- What?

- I want you to book me in for the cure.

Oh... oh, that.

Yes, well... How about next Monday?

The stuff should've arrived by then.

- Stuff? What stuff?

- Oh, it doesn't mean anything to you,

but I have to use certain things in my serum,

and I have to order them from abroad.

- They haven't come?

- Not this month. I've sent an urgent cable.

(Knock at door)

- Come in.

Excuse me, Doctor. Mr Carver's here.

- Frederick?

- This looks like trouble.

He was furious when he arrived.

When he saw I was working here,

he almost blew his top.

- Surely you're not afraid of Frederick, are you?

- Me?

- Yes.

- Why?

Because of me,

he spent three months on the island.

You just leave it to me. Tact, that's all it needs.

Tact and understanding.

Well, well, well.

Talk about bad pennies turning up.

Traitress, Jezebel, viper in my bosom.

Now, now. We'll have none of

that filthy talk here, if you don't mind.

What have you done to me?

This place was to be my dream.

A temple dedicated to advanced surgery.

What have you turned it into?

A lard-removing factory.

How dare you talk like that?

Jim is doing wonderful work here.

Oh, it's Jim now, is it?

He's taken away my clinic and half my staff,

and he's after you too.

He's madder than I thought.

Dr Nookey and I

enjoy a purely business relationship.

That is, he enjoys it. I can't say I do.

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