Carry on Again Doctor Page #7

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You won't enjoy it much longer. I'll make it

my business to expose him for the fake he is.

You're always exposing something.

How do you know it's a fake?

You haven't even seen what he's doing yet.

I don't need to. I've seen enough.

"Come unto me all you who are heavy laden."

Disgusting!

- Do you want to see the place or not?

- I may as well, now I'm here.

- I'll show you the befores first.

- The what?

The befores.

The clinic is divided into two sections -

before... and after.

Good grief. He gets worse and worse.

If he asks,

tell him I've gone to town for a year or two.

Yes, Doctor.

Dr Nookey.

Ah, Dr Nookey, I wanted a word with you.

Yes. I know what a mess I got you into

over that mission business. I'm sorry.

Don't worry about that. It was entirely my fault

for sending you out there in the first place.

A waste of a very valuable talent.

- Eh?

- You're doing a wonderful job here.

Really wonderful. Excellent results.

How do you actually do it?

Well, it's just an injection. A serum, sir.

- A serum? Really. What's in it?

- A hundred guineas a week.

No, I didn't mean that...

A hundred guineas, eh? That is interesting.

Well, naturally, the formula is a secret.

Oh, naturally. You don't want every

Tom, Dick and Harry trying to cash in on it.

Just a select few distinguished members

of the medical profession.

We don't need any more partners,

if that's what you mean.

No, no, of course you don't. I'll be getting along.

Carry on the good work, Dr Nookey.

You have my fullest support.

- Blimey, what's up with him?

- You mean, what's he up to?

It must be something he picked up

in the Beatific Islands.

Natural Diseases And Their Remedies.

- Hm.

- Ancient Tribal Medicine. Possible.

The Arts Of The Witch Doctor. Yes.

I mean, Nookey goes out there

a stupid, ignorant idiot,

and within three months

he comes back a productive genius.

I must find out what his cure is.

The way to do that

is to get someone in his clinic.

- But who? Who could I trust?

- Me.

Don't be silly. He knows you.

Yes, of course. In any case,

they're only taking in women at the moment.

Yes.

Yes. He'd never suspect a woman, would he?

No, of course he wouldn't.

But who would you get to be the woman?

(Knock at door)

- Come in.

Oh, Doctor, Miss Madder arrived this morning.

She's in her room.

- Madder?

- Melody Madder.

Oh, the film star from Italy. I remember now.

All right, I'll see her.

Could you get the scales ready?

By the way, I had a call from Mr Carver.

He's bringing a friend in for treatment.

A Lady Puddleton.

We're full.

I couldn't very well refuse him.

I owe the old basket a favour.

I'll talk them out of it when they get here.

Nobody will get any treatment if Gladstone

doesn't come through with some stuff soon.

I don't understand. What the devil's he up to?

- Eight and six, guv.

- Eight and six?

Eight and six...

That's about thirty-three, innit?

Thirty-three?

There we are.

That's for you.

Here, wait a minute!

(Knock at door)

- Come in.

Doctor, Miss Madder's here.

Be with you in a moment.

If you'd like to take your clothes off.

Same old Jim.

Goldie.

- Goldie!

- Yeah, it's me all right. Don't you like it?

Yes, yes, I do, but... Melody Madder?

Don't blame me. That was the studio's idea.

Still, it's better than Goldie Locks. Or is it?

But this is ridiculous. Why didn't you tell me?

Oh, I don't know.

I wasn't sure I wanted to see you again,

and, well, then the studio said

I had to get weight off, and here I am.

You must be joking. You expect me

to sabotage such a gorgeous figure?

Yeah, well, it may be gorgeous to you,

but it's unfashionable.

In case you hadn't noticed,

these days the bone has replaced the b*obs.

Anyway, you're not going back to Italy.

You're going to stay here... with me.

No, Jim, I've waited too long for this.

And I've waited too long, too.

Now, now, you stay away from me, Jim.

- No, I don't want to.

- You won't get away from me again, Goldie.

(Draws breath sharply)

- Do you mind?

- As a matter of fact, I don't.

Well, I do.

How about it, then?

Who are you? What are you doing here?

- Screwer's the name. Gladstone Screwer.

- Gladstone...

Oh, well, I'm the matron here.

My name's Miss Soaper.

Soaper? I don't like that much.

I know, I'll call you Sunday.

Well, I won't be in.

Come and see Dr Nookey. He's been

rather worried about you. This way, please.

Argh!

This way.

Gladstone.

Well, well, doc, that's a new one on me.

Wh-Wh-What are you doing here?

That's the one you were telling me about.

The flat one with the bit of here-and-there.

Is that how you refer to me?!

No, not exactly. Look, I'll explain later.

Matron, take Miss Madder to her room, please.

Be a good girl.

Why are you here?

And why haven't you sent that stuff this month?

Stuff?

Oh, that stuff you were so clever to discover.

Oh, well, that wasn't my idea.

Um... you know what newspapers are like.

Yes, big pieces of paper with print on them.

Yes, but why didn't you send it?

I thought I'd bring it myself and see

the famous clinic that's making lots of money.

You brought it!

Gladstone, I knew you wouldn't let me down.

But you didn't have to go to all that trouble

to bring it.

It was no trouble at all. I enjoyed the trip.

Well, I won't delay you.

You'll want to enjoy the trip back.

No, no rush. I thought I'd stay for a little while.

No, you can't do that.

No, you see, you'd hate it.

There's nothing here.

And I don't suppose you brought your wives?

I've only got one left now. Saturday.

Miss Fosdick, old Carver's secretary.

She stayed. Made me get rid of the others.

Said she hadn't come all that way

to start queuing. Whisky?

No, thanks. About this stuff...

We ought to drink to our new partnership.

- Partnership?

- You know, when you split everything fifty-fifty.

Oh, I couldn't do that, Gladstone.

I've got a partner already, you see.

But I would be more than happy

to increase the payments.

Shall we say king-size cigarettes?

I'd rather have half the money

and I'll buy my own smokes.

I'm afraid I can't do that, Gladstone.

- Think it over. I'm sure you'll agree.

- So, you won't let me have the stuff unless I do.

Oh, I didn't say that.

I wouldn't do a rotten thing like that.

Hang on... That's the one.

Thank you, but I want it understood -

no partnership.

- We'll see tomorrow.

- Hey, hey, hey. It looks a bit thicker than usual.

Yes, at this time of year,

the gnats' milk gets a bit rich.

(Knock at door)

- Come in.

Excuse me. I think you ought to know

Mr Carver's just driven up.

Oh, he came out our way.

I'd like to see him again.

Oh, no, you mustn't.

It's not the same Carver. It's another bloke.

You sit and enjoy your drink.

(Whispers)

Matron was wondering

if you'd like to go to her room with her.

- It's a bit early, but I'll just finish my drink.

- No, now. She can't wait for it.

I mean, for you to finish the drink.

This way, Mr Gladstone, and down the corridor.

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