Carry on Again Doctor Page #8

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Please hurry.

I've heard of "swinging Britain",

but this is ridiculous.

- Try and keep him here till Carver's gone.

- Yes. This way.

- Oh, it's you, sir. Do come in.

- Thank you.

I have a rather important patient.

Come this way, Lady Puddleton. Don't be shy.

- We've no room.

- I'd be grateful if you'd take her.

It means quite a lot to me,

and she is very distinguished.

Ah, this is Dr Nookey, my dear.

- How do you do?

- Oh, hello.

You can see her ladyship's trouble.

She is top-heavy.

- Definitely. The top is heavy.

- It is heavy. It interferes with her riding.

Gets in the way of the horse's head.

Can't see where you're going, can you?

No, poor thing.

I hope you'll start the treatment right away.

Actually, we're full up at the moment,

so if you don't mind sharing a room

- with someone else...

- Oh, no. As long as it's with another man.

- I beg your pardon?

- No, no, your ladyship. You can't do that here.

You know the trouble with these country folk -

off the horse and on the job.

Well, I'll leave you with Dr Nookey.

Thank you very much, Dr Nookey.

- Good luck, Lady Puddleton.

- (Hisses) Wait.

I can't share with a woman.

What about undressing?

You're a doctor.

She'll have nothing to surprise you.

No, but I'll have something to surprise her.

I'll come back late tonight

to see how you're getting on,

and we can leave together

if you've already had it.

Had it? Had what?

(Whispers) The treatment, you fool.

Anyway, don't worry, my dear.

Dr Nookey will take good care of you.

- Won't you, Doctor?

- Of course. She'll be all right with me.

- Thank you so much.

- Now, you must try to relax, Lady Puddleton.

As soon as you've met the other girls...

Dr Nookey! Dr Nookey!

I must talk to you at once.

Oh, well, very well, Matron. In my office, please.

Would you excuse me, Lady Puddleton?

I won't be a moment. Just sit down.

- Thank you.

(Creaking)

(Creaking)

You needn't wait, Doctor, I'm quite all right.

(Creaking)

(Creaking)

Funny woman. Funny woman.

Well, Matron, what's your problem, eh?

I'm sorry, Doctor,

but I cannot stay with that man any longer.

That's all right. Carver's gone now.

- Why, what happened?

- I'd rather not say.

All he seems to think about is whisky and sex.

Where he comes from, they can't get soda.

- That's not funny, Doctor.

- No.

You shouldn't have him here

with all these women.

That's all right.

I aim to get rid of him as soon as I can.

But there's something that's worrying me

even more.

- What's that?

- That Lady Puddleton.

I don't know what it is,

but there is something very peculiar about her.

It's old Stoppidge. Well, I'll be damned.

- So that's what they're up to, eh?

- What a dirty trick. Fancy Mr Carver doing that.

- You'll get rid of him at once, of course.

- Yes... No!

No, he's come for the treatment

and he's going to get it.

The full treatment.

This is our chance to teach him and Gladstone

a lesson they will never forget.

- Oh, there you are, Gladstone.

- Hello, doc.

Hello, Nurse.

Look, we're full up at the moment, as I told you,

but Matron here has very kindly said

that you can sleep in her room tonight.

That's what I call real hospitality.

I am moving in with Nurse Trumper.

What's the matter with her? Frigid?

You'll find that the women over here

aren't quite so uninhibited, Gladstone.

What about this submissive society

I heard about?

As a matter of fact, there is one woman here

who definitely fancies you.

- Only one?

- Well, this'll be enough.

- Her name's Lady Puddleton.

- Oh?

Tallish woman. Hatchet... thin-faced.

- With glasses.

- Oh, yes, yes. I saw her. The one with the big...

That's him... her. Not much to look at, mind you.

We don't bother much about looks

where I come from. The nights are very dark.

Oh, Lady Puddleton,

I don't think you've met Mrs Moore.

- How do you do?

- Oh, hello.

You'll be sharing her room.

I believe we have a mutual friend,

Lady Puddleton - Mr Carver.

- Oh, yes, indeed.

- Such a charming man. A trifle slow perhaps.

- Have you known him long?

- Rather.

We roomed together at medical school.

Good evening, ladies.

Well, I'm pleased to tell you

that your big moment has arrived.

As soon as you're all in bed,

I shall be round to give you your first injection.

Right, off you go, ladies.

MRS MOORE:
Oh, come along, dear.

Except Miss Madder and Lady Puddleton,

that is.

Don't try and stop me.

I'm definitely having that treatment.

I'm not trying to stop you, but you

and Lady Puddleton have yet to be weighed.

Oh, well, that's all right, then.

So if you'd both go to my office with Matron

and do it now. Stripped, of course.

- Come along, Lady Puddleton.

- Er... Doctor...

- I can't possibly undress in front of other people.

- Oh, and why not?

Well, you see, I've got... (Whispers)

Yes, you have, haven't you?

Never mind, nobody's going to look.

After all, it's all girls together, isn't it, eh?

Come on.

Your tyres are a bit flat.

Let's see the rest of you.

Ah, Gladstone. I don't think

you've met Mr Screwer, Lady Puddleton.

- How do you do?

- Hello.

See you later. Matron's room.

- Come along, Lady Puddleton.

- No, I'm going straight to bed.

No, darling, do what the doctor says first.

I can wait.

In you go, Lady Puddleton.

Argh!

(Squeals and screams)

Blimey, she can't wait.

Good evening, miss.

Don't worry, it's just a little prick.

(Toilet flushes)

Oh, what a pretty nightdress, your ladyship.

I never had one myself.

I always sleep in the raw, you know.

My husband preferred it that way.

He was a very active man.

I wonder if you'd mind unhooking this for me.

Oh, thank you so much. It's nice to think

we shan't be needing these things much longer.

(Knock at door)

- Come in.

Well, well, and how are we getting on, then?

Oh, like a house on fire, aren't we, dear?

That's fine, that's fine.

I bet you girls will have plenty to talk about.

- Now, who's first?

- Oh, me. Where do you have it?

- Face down on the bed, please.

- Oh, there.

Right, hold still, now.

Right, now it's your turn... Lady Puddleton.

Right, thank you, Matron.

No! No. I can't have it there.

We like to put it in a place

where it won't be seen, your ladyship.

Well, I'll have it in my arm, then.

I always keep that well covered.

Very well, if you wish.

- Might I ask what is in the serum?

- Most certainly.

Let's see, there's banyan tree juice,

powdered parrot droppings and gnats' milk.

Ow!

(Chuckles) Course,

I can't tell you the proportions. Secret, shh.

Right, well, good night, ladies, and sleep tight.

(Matron giggles)

I'd love to watch those two

for the rest of the night. Is that all, then?

- Only Miss Madder left now, Doctor.

- Oh, well, I'll see to her, Matron.

Yes, Doctor.

- Good night, Doctor.

- And you, Matron.

(Knock at door)

- Come in.

- Good evening, Miss Madder.

- Good evening, Doctor.

Time for your injection.

That is, if you still want to have it.

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