Carry on Again Doctor Page #9

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I can't think of anything else I'd rather have.

Right. Turn over, please.

I'll need your nightie pulled up.

Go ahead. I'm sure you've had

plenty of practice at doing that.

All right.

Look, are you absolutely sure you want me to...

Absolutely.

All right, then.

Good night and good luck.

(Knock at door)

Come right in, darling, everything's rea...

- Oh, it's you.

- Yes.

I'm sorry to disappoint you, Mr Screwer,

but I require some nightclothes.

Help yourself.

You don't have to move out. It's a big bed.

As I told you earlier today,

I'm not your sort of woman.

- I don't mean anything nasty. I'll marry you first.

- Are you mad?

- Marry me in the middle of the night?

- Where I come from, it's a simple ceremony.

We just make a quick cut

in each other's left hands,

put them together,

say "we are one" and it's legal.

Oh, I see.

Sort of... instant wedlock.

- Out there they call it a bleedin' ceremony.

- Yes, they often call it that here, too.

- Right, you ready, then?

- No!

No, I have no urge to marry you.

Oh, don't worry about that.

The urge comes later.

No. Thank you, but no.

OK. You'll feel different when I'm a partner here.

Fortunately, that is something you will never be,

Mr Screwer.

No?

I wouldn't be too sure about that. (Chuckles)

There. Oh, that's better.

I er... I wonder if you'd mind

rubbing some talc on my back.

I'm ready, dear.

Oh, sir! Thank goodness you're here.

- What's happened?

- Nothing yet.

- Have you had it?

- Up to the neck.

- The treatment, you fool.

- I've had the lot.

(Door opens)

- Quick, in here.

Well, what is it?

- It's an injection.

- Yes, but do you know what's in it?

- Yes, he told me.

- That's marvellous. What is it?

Now, let me see... Er... it's banyan tree juice,

powdered parrots' milk and gnats' droppings.

- What?

- It could be the other way around.

- Are you being funny?

- That's what he said.

You fool! He was having you on.

Well, I'll show him.

Listen, next time you have to have an injection,

you must pinch some of the stuff.

Oh, no, there is not going to be a next.

I'm not staying here.

But you must.

I can't. It's bad enough

having to sleep with a woman,

but there's a horrible man chasing me as well.

Don't be ridiculous.

What man in his right mind would do that?

Do you mind?

He's invited me to go to his room tonight.

He must be mad. Who is he? What's his name?

Oh, it's Gladstone or something.

Gladstone?

Oh, it's all making sense.

Not to me.

Oh, it's marvellous.

And he wants you to go to his room tonight?

- Yes.

- Off you go, then.

All right.

Go on. I'll be out here if you get into any trouble.

Who is it?

Well...

I'd almost given you up.

- I can't stay very long.

- As long as it's long enough.

- I still feel a bit weak after the injections.

- Come and lie down on the bed.

- I wonder what's in it.

- What, the bed?

- No, silly, the injections.

- Who cares?

- I bet you know, a clever man like you.

- Maybe.

Do tell me. I'm dying to know.

I'll have to get to know you a bit better first.

- What are you doing?

- We have to get married first.

- What?

- Doesn't hurt much, just a quick slash.

I don't want a quick...

I don't want to get married.

Suit yourself.

Only don't come complaining to me afterwards.

- You mustn't.

- Ooh, playing hard to get.

Come here.

- You little tease. Come here.

- No, listen...

- Come here, come on.

- Aargh!

(Gladstone chuckles) Hello?

Oh, blimey! It couldn't have been!

It was! Dr Nookey!

Dr Nookey! Dr Nookey!

Dr Nookey, where are you?

Come on, let's get out of here.

Doctor!

(Gasps) No good. In here, quick.

Dr Nookey!

All right, what's wrong?

What's the matter?

- That woman, Lady Piddleton...

- Puddleton.

- She's a fella.

- I know. How did you find out?

- I'd hate to tell you.

- Where is she now?

- She went through there.

- It's time we had a talk.

Look, the serum!

Just what we've been looking for.

- Serum?

- Yeah.

Well, what's in it?

Search me. It might as well be gnats' milk.

- You try it. You've done analysis.

- Yes.

- Peurgh!

- No, put some on your tongue. Taste it.

Ah-ha!

(Splutters and gurgles)

DR NOOKEY:
So that's your little game.

- I'll trouble you for that bottle, sir.

- No, Nookey, I'm keeping this.

The Medical Council will be interested in this -

Dr Nookey's brilliant discovery.

Just a minute. Can't we talk this over?

There's nothing to talk over,

unless you're offering me a partnership.

- I've already got a partner.

- Yes, but I've got the stuff.

Oh, no, you haven't, mate. I have.

You mean this isn't the weight-reducing serum?

No, that stuff does something very queer.

Well, what does it do?

- (Woman screams)

- You're just about to find out.

(Women talk at once)

- A sex change?

- Good gracious.

ALL:
Bye.

Well, how about a kiss, Mrs Nookey, eh?

You didn't have a very close shave

this morning.

Don't worry, darling, I will before tonight.

- (Cheering)

ALL:
Bye-bye!

Captioned by Grantman Brown

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