Carry on at Your Convenience Page #5

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You made him dirty his cage again.

I'm not surprised. Peewit The Third.

All right. I'll do it.

But I'm warning you, mate.

If you're wrong, I'll wring your bloody neck.

Oh, don't worry.

Mummy will wring Daddy's bloody neck.

It's all right. I'll go.

- Oh, hello.

- Excuse me, Mr Coote.

Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt your dressing.

That's all right.

I was just having a game of cards.

- Oh, yeah. I see.

- Would you care to have a game?

Not just now, thank you.

I'm hardly dressed for it, am I?

Oh-ho! We'll soon get those off you.

No, thank you. Actually, I've come to see Vic.

Oh, there he is.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I must get back to it.

I thought I might find you back here.

Er... here's your trousers.

Oh, thanks a lot.

Oh. They'll be very useful, they will,

in case my legs ever have a row and split up.

It wasn't my fault. You told me to follow that car.

- All right. All right. Did you?

- What?

Follow the car.

- Oh, yeah. I stuck to 'em like a limpet.

- Where did they go?

They just drove around,

then went into a cinema.

Right, come on.

Good. If we hurry,

we can make the second half of the game.

- We are not going to the football!

- Oh.

...activities of the Koo Koo

islanders. There's no sight quite so thrilling

as to watch them

preparing their evening meal.

Is this the wonderfully interesting film

you heard about?

No, it's the one after this.

Women are busily engaged in

peeling vegetables and cutting up the meat.

To do this, they use knives

and other kitchen implements.

Let us watch their nimble fingers at work

for a few moments.

A spectacle few White people

have been privileged to witness.

- Blimey. How much more of this?

- Why don't you stop moaning?

Oh, that's choice, that is.

It was bad enough missing the football

without spending six bob to come and watch

a bunch of idiots making an Irish stew.

And that is where we must bid a reluctant

farewell to Koo Koo Island.

He's got his arm round her now!

- Who?

- Lewis, of course.

The film you are about to see

was refused a certificate

by the British Board of Film Censors,

but has been granted a showing

by the local council.

That sounds more like it.

I am a well-known and practising doctor.

In the artistic and beautiful picture,

which now follows,

you will see naked men and women

engaged in the various arts of sexual love.

This is by no means intended to shock,

but purely and frankly

to demonstrate that the sexual act,

far from being something to be afraid of,

is, in fact, a great joy and pleasure,

which can, and indeed should,

be enjoyed by everyone.

First, let us familiarise ourselves with

the component parts of this, the male body.

And this, the female body.

God, you don't miss a trick, do you?

Cor.

No, wait, Myrtle, please.

Come on, Bernie.

- Come on. They're leaving.

- Eh?

- Come on.

- Oh, no. Not now.

No.

Let us look at the number of different ways

in which we can bring the two together.

Move. Come on.

Oh, no.

That's the line-up

for the last race at Doncaster. Tote prices follow.

And here is the result of the 4:30 at Kempton.

First, Peewit The Third.

He did it! Hey, Benny.

Pound each way, 10-1.

Finally got yourself a good win, eh, Sidney?

Congratulations.

They've finished eating.

I'm glad to hear that.

That makes me feel a lot better.

What's the matter with you?

Cor, stone me. You drag me away from the

football match. You drag me out of the cinema.

You drag me 20 miles into the country

to watch them stuff themselves

and then you ask what's the matter.

You didn't have to come out with me.

No, and I can't wait not to come out

with you tomorrow, either.

Listen, I'm not going to stand by

and watch that nit having it away with Myrtle.

Why not? It's better than watching them eating.

Look, I honestly didn't know

it was going to be that sort of a film.

What a day.

All it needs is for Dad to walk in now

to make everything perfect.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

What's he got against me, anyway?

Plenty, apart from the fact

that you're the boss's son.

Is that so terrible?

You should hear him on that subject.

Oh, charming. But what makes him think

I want to marry you?

Oh, he doesn't. On the contrary.

He had you weighed up from the start.

"I know all about blokes like young Mr Lewis. "

- Oh, listen, Myrtle...

- Yes?

Oh. Erm... another couple of those, please.

I mean these, please.

If I were you, I'd have stuck to your first request.

I fancy the fella with the ears.

Cor, did you see that waitress?

I've never seen anything like that before.

Do you think that was all real?

Of course. It's the only qualifications

you need for the job. Big prospects.

That's nothing.

In some places, they're completely topless.

Cor, nothing?

Not a stitch.

- I bet that's tricky when they serve soup.

- It's a bit dodgy when they fry chips.

If I say I'm sorry about the film,

sorry for being the boss's son,

and sorry for having such a lousy reputation,

could we start again?

And sorry for being on the make all the time

with me?

From now, just good friends.

I'll drink to that.

How about a dance? Is that within the rules?

Yeah.

Provided there's no dirty work in the clinches.

Aye aye. He's got her on the floor now.

What? In front of everybody?

- I'm sorry. Lewis!

- Oh, hello, Roger.

- I'm sorry I was put out today when you called.

- That's all right.

It's all OK. You can use the old flat tonight.

You bastard!

Wait, Myrtle, please.

Thank you, Joey.

Funny, but I don't seem to have seen anything

of young Mr Lewis since we've been back.

- Have you, Bern?

- No. Well, he's away. That's what you told me.

That was a couple of weeks ago, wasn't it?

I just wondered whether he'd left us

for any reason. Have you heard anything, Myrt?

I couldn't care less what's happened to him.

- Ha-ha-ha! You dropped me in it there.

- You didn't say it was a secret.

- Hello.

- Hello, Sid.

Sitting down on the job again?

Mr Plummer, I know my job. Nothing in the rule

book says I cannot do it in a seated position.

I'll bet you say that to all the girls.

Mr Plummer, if you want to bring

a specific charge against me...

No, no, no. Sit down. Enjoy yourself.

Relax. Go slow. Work to rule, if you like.

There you are. Have a smoke as well.

I'm sorry to have kept you waiting, Fred.

Come on.

Come in.

Hello, Dad.

Lewis, my boy. I didn't know you were back.

We've got it. The Middle East contract.

Show him, Mr Moore.

If I may say so, Mr Boggs, it was done in the

face of very stiff competition. Very stiff indeed.

Signed by His Highness,

King Frauzi of Aslam himself.

Really? Another crowned head

to add to our clientele. Excellent.

- What's it for?

- Bidets.

Bidets!

Yes. 1,000 of them.

1,000 bidets!

One for each of his wives.

There mustn't be any favouritism, sir.

Are you mad?

- We do not make bidets.

- It's high time we started. You sign that.

I will not have my firm associated with

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