Carry on at Your Convenience Page #6

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the manufacture of such a dubious article.

Dad, we cannot afford to turn it down.

It's worth L#19,000.

I don't...

19,000.

That's an awful lot of money. And payment?

On completion of the order in two months' time.

Two months!

Yes. That was the only snag.

They have to have them in time

for the feast of Abanibble, sir.

Abanibble?

That's right. When it's His Highness's custom

to visit each of his wives in turn.

It only happens once a year.

I'm not surprised to hear it.

But we couldn't possibly complete this order

in two months. We haven't even got a design.

Yes, we have. Mr Coote did one months ago.

Now, come on, Dad. Sign.

Oh, very well. I can't help feeling

I'm going into something I shall regret.

You're looking very well this morning,

Mrs Moore.

Thank you, Doctor.

Can I get dressed again now?

- Yes. While I put my eyes back in.

- Another new suit?

I had a bit of luck on the gee-gees.

- Again? You'll have to give me some tips.

- I've got a good one for you.

Don't bend over in a tight skirt. Ha-ha!

Saucy.

Refused you a bridging loan

for a measly 1,500? I don't believe it.

I'm afraid it's true. I hadn't wanted to bother you

with our financial problems,

but the bank has been carrying us

for some years.

- And now they're dropping us?

- It seems so.

- We'll just have to get out of that contract.

- Excuse me, WC. How much do you need?

- I should think 1,000 would do.

- Is that all? 1,000.

Don't bother with banks. I can let you have that.

- You can, Mr Plummer?

- I haven't got it with me, but I can get it.

Let's see. We've got an hour

till the last race at Cheltenham.

- Last race at Cheltenham?

- That's right.

I'll have to move fast. I've got to see a bird first.

A bird at Cheltenham?

You promised me you'd limit it to two bets

a week, so he didn't overstrain himself.

Don't argue.

- Read out the runners.

- All right.

But don't blame me if nothing happens.

I'm sorry about this.

It's nothing to do with me, Joey.

I'm not the greedy one.

All right? Here we go, then.

4:
30 at Cheltenham.

Bob.

Girlie.

Hard-To-Get.

Order Form.

Proper Charlie.

Sweet Sue.

That's the one.

What's the betting?

- 18-1.

- That'll do.

18-1 on Sweet Sue.

L#56 win bet.

That's exactly L#1,026.

That's just what I make it, Benny.

Just what he makes it.

Pints of blood, I'm giving.

You'll get it all back.

What good is getting it back

if I've had a heart attack from paying it out?

I'm sorry. You know I don't like doing this.

You don't like doing this. I don't like doing this.

So why do we go on suffering this way?

Just because I've had a bit of luck for a change.

For a change, he says! For a change!

Have a look at this.

It's all in black and white in the ledger.

In the last three weeks,

11 winning bets you've had.

L#2,433!

You have taken from me!

I tell you what I'll do.

Tomorrow I'll come in here and I'll bet the lot...

- No, no, no. No more, Sid. It's finished.

- Finished?

From now on, there's a limit on you. L#5!

What do you mean?

What kind of a sportsman are you?

What's with the sportsman?

If I was a sportsman, I'd be riding the horses.

Ah, Mr Coote. I'd like you

to show my father your bidet design.

By all means, Mr Lewis. I have it right here.

Yes, yes... if anyone has any use for

this sort of thing. Any idea of the cost?

Well, after basic outlay

on a new mould and so on, about L#7 each.

How about that, Dad? On this contract,

that could be worth over 100% profit.

He's hit on this marvellous labour-saving idea.

Tell him, Mr Coote.

It's quite simple. Instead of the conventional

arrangement of separate hot and cold taps,

and waste control tap,

the whole thing could be done

by one simple control. Thus...

Hot, cold,

down the hole.

Drop everything!

Cut the switches!

Oh, blimey. Now what's happened?

Excuse me.

All right! All right! All right! What's the hold-up?

- One at a time.

- I'm sorry, Mr Plummer.

- These men cannot put this fitting onto those.

- Why not?

I stand to be corrected,

but I think I'm right in stating

this is a combined tap and waste-pipe control.

- That's right. What about it?

- Whose job is it to fit it?

- What are you talking about? Ernie can do it.

- Of course I can, Sid.

Oh, no, because Ernie is a tap fitter.

Willie can do it, then.

Oh, no, because Willie, as you well know,

is a waste-pipe fitter.

Right. They can both do it.

No. If a tap fitter does it,

he's doing a waste-pipe fitter's job.

If a waste-pipe fitter does it,

he's doing a tap fitter's job.

- Does it matter, as long as they're working?

- That's what I was saying.

If you'll pardon me, you don't have a say.

This is union business.

- It is our union, innit?

- Exactly. And you'll do as it bloody tells you.

- Listen, under a redundancy agreement...

- All right, we know all about that.

But we're not making anybody redundant.

These men are doing their own jobs

and each other's jobs in the same time.

All right, Mr Spanner. What's your solution?

It's not the union's job to give solutions.

You can say that again.

Just to show I'm not trying to make difficulties,

if you was to scrap this fitting

and make two separate fittings...

Impossible. That basin was made for that fitting.

That's typical. Isn't that typical? I offer a solution

and they start making difficulties.

Hang on. I've got it.

Suppose they work together?

Ernie puts the fitting in the hole, connects it

to the pipe, then Willie connects it to the outlet.

You're missing the point. You've still got two

men doing two men's jobs in the same time.

Which is the same as one man

doing one man's job in half the time.

- What's wrong with that?

- If every worker did his job in half the time,

the country would be in a right old mess.

Bernie.

Wait a minute. You can't bring 'em out.

Until I acquaint the union general secretary

with all the facts, you leave me no alternative.

Everybody out!

Come on, brothers. Keep the line moving.

Messrs Wade, Ceramics Limited.

Dear sirs, with reference

to our meeting last January,

when you expressed an interest

in taking over this business,

I must now advise you

that I am in a position

to consider a favourable offer.

- In the mean...

- No...

- I beg your pardon, Miss Withering.

- I'm sorry, Mr Boggs, but I can't let you give up.

I've no alternative.

Two weeks of this strike has finished us.

What is to become of me?

I've given my whole life to Boggs.

Oh, naturally, I shall arrange that you be

taken over with the firm.

But I don't want to be taken over.

I just want to carry on with you.

Of course, I do appreciate your loyalty, my dear.

No, you don't. That's the trouble.

You never have appreciated me.

- What?

- I've worked for you for 30 years.

And in all that time,

have you ever sat me on your knee,

or asked me to go away

for a naughty weekend? No!

Really, Miss Withering!

- You've never even pinched my bottom!

- Ooh!

I am not in the habit of interfering

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