Carry on Behind

TANNOY:
Getting To The Bottom Of Things

at 8pm tonight.

A film show and lecture on archaeological

digging by Professor Roland Crump,

the distinguished archaeologist.

And so the bone structure tells us something

about the shape

of these prehistoric animals.

So much, then, for the bone

of the greater woolly mammoth.

(Glass shatters)

(Laughter)

Dear, oh, dear. Oh, dear.

So sorry. Now... now, erm...

By studying the dwelling places of

primitive man,

we are able to form a picture

of how he lived.

How he lived. Yes.

And we know from the crude drawings

on the walls of his cave

that he frequently exposed himself...

...er, exposed himself to all manner of dangers

in his search for food and the other...

The other significant feature of his existence

was the presence of iced glaciers in the vicinity,

which undoubtedly caused the piles...

...the piles of debris

to move down

and cover up his dwelling place...

(Snores)

...one of which we will now show you on film.

Are you ready?

Lights.

CRUMP:
Here we show you the excavation

of a typical Stone-Age dwelling.

The lady uncovering the site

is Miss Amelia Fossdyke,

who learnt her skilful techniques

under Professor Schwindhofer of Utrecht.

Notice the typical upland scenery.

Neolithic man always preferred those areas,

as the lower regions

were often foresty and inclined to be swampy.

The two large mounds in the foreground

are of especial interest.

It was these which first drew our attention

to the site.

And now we see the site partially uncovered.

Notice the small indentation in the middle.

The small indentation was probably caused

by a sharpened pole,

which was rammed in to hold up the roof,

the normal method of beginning

a Stone-Age erection.

And now we see Miss Fossdyke

about to uncover

something of enormous interest.

MEN:
Phwoar!

(Squeals)

(Audience chuckles)

Here! That's not Miss Fossdyke.

They've sent the wrong film. Turn it off.

- Turn it off!

- (Cries of protest)

Turn it off immediately, I said. Here!

I will not have this shown

in a lecture that I'm in charge of.

Turn it off! Do you understand?

I will not have this in my lecture hall.

Turn it off immediately.

I won't have this kind of thing.

Oh, look!

No, I forbid it. Turn it off immediately!

(Audience cries in protest)

I will not have it shown...

Thank goodness. This is monstrous.

They sent the wrong film. I do apologise,

but what can I do?

Show it again. Show it again!

Morning, sir. I did enjoy your lecture last night.

I've never been so embarrassed in my life.

I thought it was smashing.

- Morning, Crump.

- I beg your... Oh, good morning, Dean.

- Have you got a moment?

- Is it about the lecture?

That's not what I wanted to talk to you about.

You're off to Templeton?

That's right. One of the most important finds

in the West, according to reports.

- Is that so?

- Yes. It's a field next to a caravan site.

Apparently, they were digging a new cesspool

and found what appears to be

a Roman encampment.

What I want to talk to you about is your assistant.

I don't want an assistant. Never had one before.

What do I want an assistant for?

In the interests of cultural relations...

My relations weren't cultured. My grandmother...

In the interests of cultural relations,

you'll have to take with you Professor Vooshka.

(Brakes screech)

(Clattering)

Good mornings. So sorry.

Well, that's all right. Don't mention it.

- Crump, meet Professor Anna Vooshka.

- How are you doings?

Professor Vooshka is the person

I was telling you about.

What about my caravan?

Never mind. You can hire another one

when you get down there.

Professor Vooshka

is an expert on Roman remains.

Yes, I have been examining Hadrian's Walls.

- He only had one.

- One what?

Wall - Hadrian's Wall. He had one wall.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry

but my English not yet perfected.

- Oh, that's all right.

- I'm glad you two are hitting it off.

What does "hitting it off" mean?

Means like "having it off", no?

No, it means establishing a friendly relationship.

Oh. That's nice. Yes.

- Look after everything, will you, Crump?

- Of course.

I'll send you a party of students

to help with the dig. Good luck.

Thank you, Dean.

And no worry. Professor Crump and I

will soon be having it off.

Hitting it off.

BUTCHER:
40p. I'll save you a bit of the other.

- Hello, Else.

- Hello, love. Give us a bit of that for my old man.

Give that to your husband

and you're in for a night of romance.

Ooh! Can I do it in the oven?

Do it where you like. It's your kitchen.

Ooh!

90p and the next lovely lady, please.

Thank you.

- Where are you going?

- On one of those health farms.

Oh. What about Fred?

- He's taking the caravan. He's off fishing.

- On his own?

No, with Ernie Bragg.

- Oh, Bragg up the electrical shop.

- Yes, that's right.

What about Ernie's wife?

She's coming with me.

Talking of Ernie,

when is he coming about that fridge?

What do you mean?

He came when you nipped out for a pint.

He's in there.

Oh, no! I've shut the door on him!

Ernie!

Are you all right?

(Ernie groans)

Oh, my God!

It's only a sleeve.

(Mumbles)

(Continues to mumble)

I- I-I-I got the f-f-f-fridge w-w-w-working.

Aye. You have, haven't you?

I- I-I-I knew it was w-w-w-working

when I f-f-f-felt it f-f-f-falling off.

- Felt what falling off?

- My di-di-di...

...my temperature.

WOMAN:
Come on, darling,

you know you can if you want to.

Come on, darling. Show me what you can do.

Come on... Out with it.

What a beauty!

- Hello, darling.

MYNAH:
How do you do? Oh, what a beauty.

He's a mynah.

I thought it was the milkman.

Mummy got hold of him last week.

- Who? The milkman?

- The mynah bird.

- What's it doing here, then?

- Well, he's coming with us.

Hang on a minute.

Your mother's not coming on holiday with us,

is she?

What could I say? She asked.

But where is she going to sleep?

We could rent one of those extension -tent things

that go on the side.

(Barks)

Oh, I think he wants to come inside the caravan.

If he's coming with us,

he's got to get used to staying outside.

But supposing it rains?

We'll buy him an umbrella.

(Dog whines)

Oh, we should have bought a bigger caravan.

Should've bought a smaller dog.

We'll leave him in the kennels.

You know very well

he couldn't bear to be parted from us.

He might like it in the kennels. He might get in

with a nice crowd of dogs and love it.

If he doesn't come, I don't go.

I'm not leaving him.

Now, you behave yourself, do you hear me?

- Yes, dear.

- Because if you get up to anything, I'll find out.

- Yes, dear.

- Don't worry, love. I will keep an eye on him.

And who's going to keep an eye on you?

- Bye-bye.

- Bye, love.

Ooh! Aah!

(Groans)

We must be mad,

letting them two go off together.

They're only going fishing.

Depends what they're trying to catch.

I shouldn't worry, dear.

They haven't got much in the way of bait.

BUTCHER:
Ta-ra, lovely. Ta-ra!

BUTCHER'S WIFE:

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes