Carry on Behind Page #2

You remember, you take care of your rods.

(Butcher laughs)

Ta-ta!

- Hello, Mummy!

- Hello, darling!

Mummy's here.

You're not bringing those, are you?

- I can't leave them at home. They'll die.

- Good.

- Did you say something?

- I said, "Good, we've finished packing."

Put that on the table, will you?

Ow! Bloody hell!

Arthur, there is no need for that.

Oh, bother me. Bless my soul.

I do believe I nearly said a rude word,

cos I've got a cactus spike right up my...

(Thud)

- Arthur!

Er, who do we see?

Look. Look at that!

BOTH:
Phwoar!

Heh, heh! Makes you wish

you were single, doesn't it?

As far as this holiday is concerned, Ernie,

we is single, and don't you forget it.

- Good day.

- How do you do, sir?

- How's the weather been?

- Oh, excellent.

- Oh, nice vans, these.

- Not bad.

- How long?

- About 14 feet.

No, no, no. I mean, how long are you staying?

- Depends.

- On what?

- Whether we get any. (Chortles)

- How long will you be staying?

Well, like he says, it depends.

- On what?

- How long we can stick it.

Yes, well, you can stick it up...

...over there, by the hedge.

# We're shifting Grandad's grave

to build a sewer

# We're moving it regardless of expense

# We're shifting his remains

# To lay the council drains

# Protected by the local residents

# Cor, blimey!

How disgusting! Who are they?

Archaeologists.

Archaeologists?

That's what it said on the side of the van.

Well, they all sound drunk to me.

So they're drunken archaeologists.

- Ow!

- Arthur!

I won't have swearing.

- Aaargh!

(Clatter)

(Giggling)

Come on, Ern. Let's see what's about.

I'm just checking my tackle.

WOMAN:
Catch it. Oh!

No need to check mine.

Hello, girls.

That's what I need - a bit of exercise, heh, heh!

Used to be a left back for Merthyr, you know.

Don't worry, love. I'll get it.

(Air hisses)

Hey!

What do you think you're doing?

That belongs to me!

- What are you yelling about?

- My ball's burning!

Don't stand so close to the fire.

- Do you mean the students got here before us?

- Yes. Were you held up?

Yes. Before we're starting,

we're having quick bang together.

- Oh, really?

- She ran into my caravan.

What, for a quick erm?

No, no, it was a collision. She collided with it.

Now it's a complete write-off.

- Hm. That's nasty.

- So we are needing accommodation.

I managed to get the students fixed up

all right. Bit of a squeeze, mind you.

That won't hurt them. What about us?

That is the problem.

Those were the only two vans I had for rent.

It's OK, it's OK. We squeezing in somehow.

We shall do nothing of the sort! Not with that lot.

Oh, is not worrying me.

When I am on expedition to Gobi desert,

I am sharing tent with five men,

two goats and one camel.

Five men, two goats and a camel?!

- Da.

- But weren't you er?

Oh, yes, I was,

but since this time I'm always coming prepared.

- Oh? What have you got?

- I'll show you.

Stink remover.

MYNAH:
Hello, darling.

- Hold your noise.

MYNAH:
Get stuffed!

What did you say?!

- Show us your knickers.

- Mummy has got a surprise coming with you!

- Who's a cheeky boy, then?

- You are.

- Get stuffed!

(Car approaches)

Ollie!

Ollie! Look what Mummy's brought. A pressie!

(Dog whines excitedly)

Yes! Isn't that lovely, darling?

(Whines)

- I do hope he's not annoying you.

- No, he's all right.

That's the lot. Now hop it.

Oh, Barnes, this couple want somewhere

to er... sleep and they'd like to rent your caravan.

Da. We have look.

Oh, you need look no further, madam.

This way, please.

Do you mind er, wiping your feet?

Here we are.

All ready to move into.

Just wants a bit of a sweep. I've got...

All the brooms and things

are in the cupboard here and you'll find...

Who was living here?

I was.

How much rent you asking?

Well, I'm only a simple man, you see.

I don't understand figures. 30 quid a week.

L#30?! You must be insane!

All right, then. All right. L#25, take it or leave it.

- We'll leave it.

- We're taking.

15 quids a week.

Now, look here. The only reason we want

this dilapidated mobile hovel

is for somewhere to do our operations.

Operations?

What kind of operations?

Somewhere to examine our artefacts.

He will be getting them out

and I shall be examining them

and sticking labels on them.

You... you do what you like. Still L#20 a week.

15 is last offer, da?

- 15 for my lovely home?

- Da.

Right. I'm not leaving the bedding.

Which end you sleeping?

You can't be serious. I mean, look at it.

I soon am scrubbing out.

No, it's not just that. We can't share a caravan!

Oh, you're thinking of getting crampet, no?

Certainly not! Where on earth

did you learn that expression?

Crampet. Crampet is... squashet.

It's in the dictionary.

Crampet is... squashet together.

Oh! I see! You mean cramped.

Is what I say. Crampet.

Crampet. Crumped. Crumpet.

Well, you can be cramped here on your own.

If you don't mind, I'm going to the pub.

I'll find a room there.

Maybe you're getting crampet in pub also.

It says "Caravans only".

Don't worry. I'll soon chat him up.

- How do you do, ladies?

- I wonder, could you help us?

- What seems to be the trouble?

- Could we camp here tonight?

I'm very sorry, girls, it's caravans only.

Oh, but you see, my friend's hurt her leg.

Has she? Whereabouts?

Well, it's all over.

I think I must have pulled a muscle.

Oh. Perhaps it needs massaging.

Oh, I'm sure it does,

only... not while I'm on my bike.

(Chuckles) Well, perhaps we could find...

a quiet little spot around here somewhere.

- Oh, I beg your pardon.

- What, to massage it?

No. No, no, no. To put your tent up.

Oh, thanks ever so much.

Not at all. If I can be any help at all,

I shall be only too pleased to put it up for you.

I'm sure we can manage.

- Bye.

- Bye.

Oh...

I've got a Wickham's fancy,

a black gnat,

a March brown

and a ginger quill.

Phwoar! It's warm, isn't it?

GIRL:
Yes.

Phwoar.

Phew.

I could do some good with these two.

I could do some good with them two.

- Cor... Look at that!

- Yes, they are beautiful, aren't they?

We could be all right there.

Oh. Oh, yes, I suppose we could.

Don't you fancy 'em?

Well, it's not that, but...

I can't, Fred.

What do you mean, you can't?

Well, I... I've got a disability.

What sort of disability?

I... I'd rather not tell you.

Oh, Ernest...

You can tell Frederick.

I talk in my sleep.

Is that all? How is this going to stop you having...

Talk in your sleep? Your missus, you mean?

That's what she meant

when she said she'd find out.

Well, that's lovely, that is.

You could've told me before.

You're going to ruin my bloody holiday, you are!

Well, it needn't stop you.

Of course it will.

Everything I do, you tell your missus.

She'll nip round, tell my missus.

Well, we could still go fishing.

I did not come here to go fishing.

I came here to go f...

finding other things to do. (Sighs)

Would you like to borrow my ginger quill?

Sandra,

this stove's not working properly.

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