Carry on Behind Page #3

Well, we dropped it, didn't we? Let's have a look.

If you fancy them that much,

why don't you go outside and chat 'em up?

What, with you around?

I might not talk in my sleep.

Hmm...

Sorry to bother you...

Oh! Ouch!

- Y-Yes?

- We can't seem to get our stove working.

I wondered whether

- you could look at it for us.

- Yes.

There's nothing missing.

No, I can see that.

Only we're dying for it.

- Pardon?

- A cup of tea.

Oh. Oh, yes, so are we.

Would you like to join us?

Oh, we'd love to, thanks.

Carol!

Would you like to sit down?

- Thanks.

- My pleasure.

- Hello.

- (Clears throat) Hello.

What do we need?

(Very low voice) I will... clear the... table.

Here, watch my flies.

- I beg your pardon!

- Oh.

Here, wait. Maybe you're needing.

- Oops!

- Here, careful. You could do me an injury.

Yes, easily.

So you are not finding room in pub, huh?

I rang all round, but they're full up.

Mm. So you are sleeping in caravan, no?

I suppose we could divide it up, or something.

OK, if you're wishing.

But you are going to help me

clean up caravan, no?

Oh, no, I've got to go

and examine the excavations.

Thank you.

(Whines and pants)

Ooh...

Oh, Mummy... Go in, please.

- (Barks)

- Ooh...

There are some people with an enormous dog

parked outside.

I know.

Really, how inconsiderate.

They're right on top of us.

You can't expect a field to yourself.

All right, Mummy. Don't fuss.

Arthur can move the awning.

I am not moving the awning.

Arthur, don't be awkward.

I am not being awkward.

Oh, for heaven's sake, don't argue over me.

- It's all very well for you to...

- I cannot stand squabbling!

(Dog barks)

Ooh, my God.

Now I've got one of my headaches.

I'll find you an aspirin.

- Get stuffed!

- What did you say to me?

Nothing. It was him.

How dare you speak to Mummy like that!

It was him, I tell you.

Go on. Say it again.

MYNAH:
How do you do?

He won't say it now.

For the very good reason

he didn't say it in the first place.

He may be your husband, Linda, but Arthur

never has been and never will be a gentleman!

I think it might be better if you slept out here.

Don't worry. I wouldn't come in there

if you paid me.

(Door slams)

- He's just like your father. He's coarse.

I can't stand coarse men.

That's the reason I left him.

I'm not leaving Arthur.

MUMMY:
You just wait.

He'll soon stop shaving

and start looking like a tramp.

Oh, Mummy, please.

It's bird nesting.

Where exactly

were these Roman remains found?

- In the new cesspit.

- Oh.

Hey! That's the old cesspit.

Aaargh!

Aargh! I'm in the pit!

Here! Don't pollute it.

Ah! Scrubber.

Scrubber no working.

Borrowing from comrades.

- Excuse, please.

- Yes?

Ah! Is nice, hm?

Is very nice, no?

- In this caravan you're not getting crampet, no?

- Pardon?

- Crampet.

- Yes, that's what I thought you said.

You see,

I am keeping - how you say? - dirty caravan.

Keeping a what?

You see, I am having birds in my caravan.

You want to come see?

No, thank you. Not just now.

Therefore, I'm going around camp

looking for scrubbers.

- Really?

- Mm.

Well, I suppose we ought to start

getting our dinner.

Oh, why don't you have dinner with us?

Oh, we couldn't.

Why not? We've got plenty, haven't we?

Oh, yes. We've got er... roast chicken,

roast potatoes, sausages,

Brussels sprouts

- and um...

- Stuffing.

- Unless, of course, you don't fancy it.

- Oh, no, we quite like it.

Providing it's well done.

Here. Shall we do it for them?

Do... (Clears throat) Do what?

Cook the dinner.

Well, yeah, if you want to.

- Come on, then.

- Ohh!

Here! That's my Wickham's fancy.

- Well, it was sticking in me.

- You're lucky it wasn't his ginger quill.

Oh. Yes?

Hello. Excuse me,

do you have scrubbers in caravan?

No. Certainly not. Excuse... Ow!

(Coquettish laughter)

Ollie! Ollie?

- Ollie!

(Low cawing)

- Where's Ollie gone?

- I don't know.

Must be round here somewhere.

- (Growls)

- Get stuffed.

Show us your knickers.

- Ollie!

- Come on. Where are you?

Ollie!

Here, push off. Ow!

Ollie!

(Caws)

Look, look. Do that voice.

- Do the voice... you know, the one he likes.

- No!

Go on, do the voice.

Ollie, where are you?

Not the cross voice.

The Daddy voice.

- How are you doings?

- Fine, thanks.

Ah, Mr Rolands.

I was finding your clothing in the caravan.

You were falling into something nasty, no?

- You can't come in here! You're a woman.

- Yes, I know. So what?

- Bath is for men only?

- Yes!

Mr Rolands, this is discrimination.

In my country, bath is also for women.

Yes, but not in here. You have to go next door.

Of course.

I'm not coming in with you, Mr Rolands.

I am going next door.

But, Miss... Miss... Miss... Miss...

- Vooshka.

- Vooshka. Yes, Vooshka.

In England, men and women bath separately.

Oh, of course. In my country also,

except when there is shortage of hot water.

Now... now, look, Miss...

- Vooshka.

- Yes, Miss Vooshka.

You will please take care of my clothing

and hang them up.

Well, I...

Well, I mean... Oh! Well, I mean, Miss Vooshka...

(Clatter)

(Laughs nervously)

They're not mine.

They're hers.

Yes. Terrible... mistake.

- Gone?

- Yes, look!

But how did it get out?

Arthur must have done it.

- He wouldn't, Mummy.

- Where is he?

- He went for a shower.

- Well, then, let's go and find him.

Oh, look, I don't know where he is.

We should never have brought him.

Maybe he's gone off into the woods.

- Shall I go and have a look?

- Yeah. I'm having a shower.

Hello. How are you doings?

- (Whispers) Is that a woman?

- (Whispers) Yes.

(Whispers) Bloody hell.

Hello. How are you doings?

I thought it was men in there.

Is truth - but there's only one,

I think.

Well, if she can go in there, so can I.

Arthur!

Oh... oh! Oh, I do beg your pardon,

only my husband has one just like yours.

- Eh?

- The same colour.

And it's also creased and wrinkled.

You've both got one the same.

See if you can get a bottle of Sauternes.

It's only a local pub.

Probably end up with scrumpy.

- Hey!

- Waah!

What about your disability, then?

I thought about that.

If I keep calling Carol "Charlie", I'll be all right.

What good will that do?

If I talk in my sleep, it won't sound so bad.

The wife will think I'm talking about a fella.

- Could sound a bloody sight worse.

- Eh?

- (Camply) Give us a kiss.

- Oh, shut up.

I think we'll move on in the morning.

Oh, yes. These caravan sites are all alike.

They're all couples. There's never any fellas.

Well, apart from those two.

Blimey! You're not after them, are you?

- Are you kidding? You can tell they're married.

- Still, we are getting a dinner for nothing.

Don't kid yourself.

We aren't getting it for nothing.

- Oh, yes, we are.

- Oh, no, we're not.

We've flippin' well got to cook it.

Where's the fat gone?

- Mind your...

- Aaah!

Where's it gone?

A dirty great dog's got it.

(Growls)

(Horn beeps)

(Barks)

Ugh...

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