Carry on Behind Page #4

- Our dinner.

- Well, can't be helped.

No, it was our fault.

Look, we were just going out for a meal.

Oh, yes! Why not come with us?

All right. Why not?

- We'll get some clothes on.

- Why bother?

Ollie! Ollie...

Hello, darling.

Hello, darling. Show us your knickers.

(Whimpers)

Major!

Major, there's a man in those bushes.

- Oh, really?

- He said something.

Oh. He did, did he? What did he say?

Well, it was... rude.

Oh. Like that, is it?

Well, don't worry.

I'll not tolerate people like that on my camp.

I'll have him packed and away from here

the moment I catch him.

MYNAH:
Oh, what a beauty!

You're round here somewhere, mate.

I can hear you.

- Get stuffed!

- And that's how you're going to end up.

(Mynah caws)

(Cackles)

(Whistles)

- Got you!

- Shh... Go away.

- (Whispers) What?

- I'm after a bird.

You filthy swine!

(Whack)

- Ow!

You maniac!

You frightened it away.

- Frightened what away?

- The mynah bird!

- Hey!

- Phew...

Hey, have you seen a big dog

around here anywhere?

I've got better things to do

than look for dogs, mate.

There's a couple of quid in it for you,

if you find him.

Two pounds. Leave it to me, sir. I'll find him.

- What does he look like?

- Ow!

#...the mountain

# Coming round the mountain when she comes

# Singing aye aye, yippee...

(Whistles) Hey, Ernie, look!

Cor, blimey!

Oh! (Coughs)

Aaah!

Oh, no! Look.

- That's not a chicken.

- It's turned into black bangers.

Where are they?

We had to go out. Dinner in oven.

- Charming!

- Just like being married to 'em.

Oh, God, that smells awful!

(Barking)

Well, if this is the new cesspit,

why is all the earth over there?

Perhaps they're using for filling in old hole.

Oh, yes. I never thought of that.

An interesting example of Roman tessellation.

Tessellation -

is name for what they're doing, huh?

It simply means various Roman pieces

get laid... on cement.

Ooh! Is very uncomfortable for them, no?

Professor er...

- Vooshka.

- Professor Vooshka, you are the Roman expert.

- Da.

- Would you say this was a Roman temple?

No, Professor Crump, no. Is no temple.

In my opinion, is place

where Roman soldiers are coming

for drinking and for women

- and for...

- Yes, quite. I know what you mean.

- What is name for a place like this in English?

- In English?

This place where soldiers are coming

for drinking and for women and for...

Yes, yes. It is called the Naafi.

Naafi. Ah. So this is Roman Naafi?

- Yes.

- Da, da, da.

And lady taking money at door

is... Naafi keeper.

- No?

- Yes, yes.

In which case, we are outside main camp

on perimeter,

meaning - meaning...

that main camp is buried

underneath caravan site.

But would they have this... establishment

so far away?

- It's not far walk from camp.

- It's an awful long way to walk back.

(Chuckles)

Anyway, tomorrow we are poking hole

all over caravan site with spikes.

I don't think they'll like that at all!

Oh, is all right. We're poking early.

Before others are awaking.

Oh, yes, yes.

CRUMP:
Oh! Aaah!

Professor Crump, what are you doing?

I... I slipped.

You understand? I slipped.

- Is atmosphere of Roman Naafi affecting you?

- Yes.

Here, what do you mean?

I mean place where soldiers come

for drinking and for women...

I... I never touch it.

- Never?

- Never.

Perhaps you should try it.

Certainly not.

We have saying in Russia:

"Vyeshka nyet velinka."

Oh. What does it mean?

Never look gift bird in beak.

- Oh.

- Da.

He wants in. (Chuckles)

Time you got a shave, Ern.

Eh, give over!

It was me.

Cheers.

(Barks)

- I think he's hungry.

There.

I don't think he's had any dinner.

I don't know about that. He's had most of ours.

I wonder where that chicken went.

I don't know. Come to that,

where did them birds get to?

I'm not worried.

Plenty of them where they come from.

Oh, come on, enjoy yourself.

We're supposed to be on holiday.

I am enjoying myself.

- Well, you don't look like it.

- Well, I was,

till you picked them birds up.

Now I can't think of anything else.

You know his trouble? He's crumpet-struck.

- I like that!

- So do we.

It's you that's crumpet-struck.

I wanted to go fishing.

All right. You want to go fishing,

we will go fishing.

And bring the rest of that plonk with you.

Hee, hee! Good lad.

- Ollie!

- Ollie!

(Whistles)

(Growls)

- God help us!

(Whines)

(Barks)

- (Chuckles)

Ollie!

- Ollie!

(Barks excitedly)

Ollie! Ollie!

Found him all right, didn't I?

- Oh, look. Hello.

- Well, where was he?

Must have been seven or eight miles away.

- (Coos)

- Well, I promised you a couple of quid.

Yeah.

Yes. That's mine.

One. Get off! Funny little chap.

- Two.

- Little lad's trying to take my money.

(Growls menacingly)

- Mind, sir, I'm... I'm not complaining.

I must have used a couple of quids

worth of boots, bringing him back.

Oh, Joe, give him some more.

Little chap. Ooh! Got a cold nose, hasn't he?

Must be healthy!

(Barks)

- Thank you, madam.

Ah, Mr Barnes. I'm wanting you very badly.

Why, what's the matter with him?

We are thinking, perhaps

we are finding something in the alluvium.

- Don't tell me it's blocked up again.

- What she means is,

we've just been in that hole you dug.

Have you? Well, there's a proper one over there.

When you are digging hole, perhaps

you're finding some artefacts, no?

Arty what?

You know, old Roman relics.

Swords, brooches, helmets...

Oh! Oh, oh, yes, I see. Supposing I did?

- We are wanting.

- Ah, yes, but what I find is mine.

Well, we're willing to pay you for the articles.

All right! Now you're talking.

- I'll bring you some round in the morning.

- Da.

(Clucking)

Show us your knickers.

(Clucking)

Come on. You want stuffing, huh?

That's what I call a Roman artefact.

Here! You might knock or something.

I was getting undressed.

Is luxury, undressing on expedition.

When I was in Gobi desert,

we did not undress for ten weeks.

You didn't take your clothes off for ten weeks?!

Well, most of them.

I see. Ooh.

You see, is necessary.

If not, someone stealing them.

That won't happen here, I assure you.

(Clatter)

Great! It's good enough for Julius Caesar.

# Where's my Barbara

(Whistles)

- Not back, Ern?

- Who cares?

Fred! Careful.

You nearly tripped over that rope.

- Thank you.

- Be careful. You could've... Aaah!

# I've been a young fool

and you're an old man's fancy

# Where are you going, Gwyneth Gwyn?

# And Gareth...

(Chuckles)

Hey! There's their gas stove.

We do not want it, Ernest.

Neither do we.

I'll tell you what. I'll take it back to their tent.

Good idea.

Yeah. Then there is no excuse

for them to come round here

disrepreting... disruperting...

disraputating our trinquality.

- Admirably put, Ern.

- Thank you, Fred.

Who's a good girl, then?

Look at me when I'm talking to you.

Aaargh!

Ernest! Is you all right?

I... I've dropped it.

Ah! I've found it.

Hey, hey! Shh...

(Ern hums drunkenly)

Ooh!

(Gas hisses)

Shh! All right, Fred.

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