Carry on Behind Page #5

I'm in bed, Professor.

- Are you ready?

- Ready for what?

For turning off the light.

- Oh, ye-e-es.

- Good night.

What happened? Aah!

Must be strike of lightning, no?

I've been struck. Oh!

Ow!

I'm injured.

Oh! My head is broken.

Oh, no, no, no worry. I am coming soon.

Oh!

(Gasps)

Professor Crump! Professor Crump!

(Gasps) Professor Crump!

No worry. I am bandaging your bleeding head.

What the hell did that, then?

Has been struck by strike of lightning, no?

You perhaps doctors?

- Why? Where does it hurt?

- Er, no.

- Must be finding doctors. Man is injured.

- What man?

Is professor of archaeology. Is bleeding terrible!

Never mind his qualifications. Is he hurt?

Is hurt badly, da. Is in caravan.

- Don't worry. I will handle it.

- Thank you. Is very nice. Thank you.

He was a lance corporal

in the Army Medical Corps.

Da. I'm going finding ambulance.

Fred!

Fred!

- How is he?

- Have you got a mirror?

Why, are we going out?

I want a mirror!

Yes, I'll... I'll get one.

Ooh! Good morning. Could I borrow -

(Giggles) It's me.

- Is... is he dead?

- Of course he's dead!

Then what's the mirror for?

I want a second opinion.

- Go on.

- All right.

Have a look.

He's still there.

Is the glass misted over?

No.

He's dead.

Ow! No, I'm not!

I'm not! Am I?

He must have been holding his breath.

- Aah! Aah!

- It's all right, lovely boy. You're in good hands.

- What are you?

- A butcher.

Oh, no!

It's all right. I knows what I'm doing.

Haven't they got any real doctors?

Relax. Tell me where it hurts.

I'll start with your legs.

(Groans)

(Yells) That hurts.

(Wails) Oh, it hurts all over!

As I suspected. Multiple fractures.

We need splints.

- Don't hang about. Break the damn thing off.

- Oh, no!

Relax!

Here.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh...

Aah...

(Snapping)

- Ooh!

My theodolite's broken.

- What do we do?

- We'd better put a splint on that as well.

Here we are, my dear.

- Na zdorovye.

- Bless you.

You're not to worry.

I'm sure he'll be perfectly all right.

Such a great pity.

He was such a good colleague!

And to be struck down

just as we were having it off...

Really?

Damned hard luck there, yes.

Happened to a friend of mine

in India.

Yes, he was up in the jungle

with the colonel's wife.

They fell off an elephant.

Oh, no. "Having it off" is not right.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

I mean, these days.

Hmm?

I suppose you won't want to be going back

to that caravan of yours tonight, will you?

Why not?

Well, you know. I mean... painful associations.

Um... What I mean is um... um...

What I mean is, you could sleep here,

if you wanted.

That is most kind of you.

You have all that digging to do, haven't you?

(Chuckles) You'll want a good rest.

- You might want to...

- Thank you, but I'm already getting plenty.

- Yes, but I'm not.

- Then I must not keep you awake any longer.

I'm sorry, Major, but I'm not loving you.

Yes, but...

You see, when I love a man,

I give him everything.

I give it all.

But I don't want it all.

I just want a bit.

MEN:
Hey, hey!

- (Women squeal)

(Laughter from van)

MAN:
Good night. Give us a kiss.

WOMAN:
Thanks ever so much.

WOMEN:
Bye-bye. Thank you.

MAN:
See you tomorrow.

MEN:
Bye!

(Gasps) What happened? Oh! Oh...

Oh! Oh, dear...

It was struck by lightning.

We haven't had any lightning.

We have had here.

That's what did it.

You were mending it.

Aye, well, Ernie put it back

in your tent, see, and...

...blew it up.

Well, what are you going to do about it?

Where are we going to sleep tonight?

Shh! Not so loud.

I'll tell you what. Come in the van

and we'll... discuss it.

Right, ladies, just make yourselves comfortable.

And don't worry. We'll buy you a new tent.

Oh, yes - and er, new bedding,

new... whatever else you lost.

What, tonight?

Not tonight. Be reasonable.

Tonight you'll just have to... sleep here.

All right, then.

And, by the way, where are you two sleeping?

Where do you think?

Now let's take a look at his head.

(Groans)

- We'll soon have you on your feet.

- Oh, I feel so queer.

- Yes, of course you do.

- Oh...

Aah... Ooh...

Here, what are you, a vampire?

It's tomato sauce.

Tomato sauce?

Or tomato ketchup. What's the difference?

- 2p a bottle.

- Is it? Anyway, it's not blood.

- I don't understand.

- Neither do I.

- So there's nothing wrong with him?

- Well, apart from that splinter in his...

That's quite enough, isn't it?

I'll attend to it in a minute. Meanwhile,

you owe us some sort of explanation.

- I do?

- You come in here covered in tomato sauce,

lashed up to a theodolite

with a splinter in your...

Well, I'm all confused.

It's all dreadfully confusing.

Now we're alone,

try and remember exactly what happened.

Well, I got into bed

and Miss Vooshka turned out the light.

So you were in bed with a Miss...

No! I was up the other end.

Ah.

The other end of what?

The caravan. She was up the one end.

I was up the other.

And then I suddenly saw a quick flash.

Oh! Did you?

Ye-yes. I thought at first it was lightning.

Then I suddenly received

this violent blow to the head

and after that I don't remember anything.

Just a moment. I think I know

where your splinter came from.

Do you? Where?

From your splint.

Oh. Well... well, it's dreadfully painful.

Do you think you could... get it out?

I'll take a look at it. Nurse!

It's a big one, Doctor.

Yes, I know.

But it's only a small splinter.

Aargh!

- Hello. Good morning, Miss Vooshka.

- Hello.

Thank you.

Professor Crump, you're recovering, no?

Yes, except for a very sore toe - big toe.

Poor Professor Crump, but never mind.

We up nice and early

and bushy-tailed for making holes.

Yes. Would you mind if I have a cup of tea first?

No, first we're making holes, Professor Crump.

Dig your own hole.

Hello, darling.

Shh! Mummy's still asleep.

Thanks.

- How did you sleep?

- Rotten.

Oh, so did I. I missed you.

Well, you told me to sleep out here.

I'm sorry. You made me angry.

Trouble is, now Mummy's moved

into the caravan, I don't know if we can.

That's all right. You can sleep out here with me.

But it's only a single bed!

There's plenty of room.

- Look, I'll show you.

- Stop it. You'll wake...

- Ooow!

- Arthur, what are you doing?

I've just trodden in my breakfast.

Well, I wish you'd do it more quietly.

(Chickens cluck)

(Chuckles)

Lovely new-laid eggs.

Ooh. Ooh!

Oh, it must be a Roman egg.

Oh, dear. Oh, Lord. Oh...

I can't get away from myself.

- Whoa!

- Ah! You're hitting underground spring.

It's the water mains.

(Gurgling)

Pshh! Someone's coming.

(Laughs nervously)

- (Continues laughing)

- Morning.

Morning.

Merely admiring the view.

I wasn't looking over there,

I was looking over there.

- That happens to be my wife!

- Oh...

(Ern slurps)

(Ern continues slurping)

(Prolonged slurping)

I must say, you cooks cornflakes

- much better than Ernest does.

- Thanks.

When are we going shopping?

Oh. You mean the tent?

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