Carry on Behind Page #6

And the rest.

We've lost all our clothes, and everything.

I don't know how you did it.

Well, I don't, neither.

To tell you the truth, I think it was

because we had too much wine.

Ah! Barnes.

(Clears throat) What's that?

It's a genuine Roman helmet.

Oh, is it? Looks more like an old tin hat

with the rim knocked off.

Well, you're not an archaeologist, are you?

I'm getting reports

that the showers aren't working properly.

Don't ask me. I never use 'em.

That's obvious.

For now, I'll check inside.

You look at the stopcock.

Damned vandals!

Some damned fool's turned them off.

Look, turn that damn thing off!

You turn it off. You're wetter than I am.

That's a matter of opinion!

Aah!

Ooh...

Ernest, sit down.

No. I can't sit down. You see, I think I've...

Oooh!

(Chuckles)

I don't care what you say,

there are some very odd people on this site.

You're making it up.

I am not.

- And that Peeping Tom! I'd like to know what...

(Liquid spurts)

Oh, hello, Major.

No sign of him, I suppose?

- Er, sign of who?

- My mynah bird.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

What we intend to do

is to broadcast the fact that he's lost.

- Broadcast it?

- Yes, from our new public-address system here.

- Ah.

- Come with me. I'll show it to you.

(Hammering and sawing)

Damn it! That's not the colour I ordered.

It's what we were given.

But I ordered leaf green.

That's not leaf green. You'll have to change it.

- Have you finished?

- Just about.

I'm glad something's finished.

We're opening this damn place on Saturday.

Sit down, my dear.

No.

Come on. We'll try it.

- I haven't finished testing it yet.

- That's just what I'm about to do.

All right, then.

(High-pitched whine)

Good morning, caravanners.

This is Major Leep speaking.

(Faint speech and static)

And this is one of the amenities

we have installed

to make your stay here more enjoyable.

(High-pitched beep)

(Beeping intensifies)

(Beeping subsides)

Try it now. Go on.

I'll start again.

TANNOY:
This is Major Leep speaking.

This is one of the amenities we have installed

to make your stay here more enjoyable.

TANNOY:
All the site news at regular intervals

and any urgent messages.

It will also enable me

to keep in touch with my staff

and see that they're doing theirjobs properly.

And now, one or two reminders of site...

(Muffled)...regulations.

These are made for everybody's benefit.

TANNOY:
And now...

(Muffled) A case of vandalism in the showers.

Someone has deliberately ripped one off

and for those responsible

for puncturing the water...

...a warning.

...a valuable talking mynah bird.

And that is all for the moment.

Message ends.

That ought to get some results.

Get stuffed.

We are arriving on site,

making preliminary survey.

Professor Crump and I

are living in caravan together.

We have been all over the site, poking.

Don't you think it would be better

if I wrote the report?

Who's expert on Romans - you or I?

You are.

Then will you please continue, Professor Crump.

First we are finding remains of Roman paving...

showing pictures of... an erotic nature.

One of the pictures is showing an...

- a wenus.

- A what?

A wenus.

You must know what a wenus is, no?

Well, it's neither one thing nor the other,

really, is it?

A wenus, Professor Crump,

is the goddess of love.

Oh, you mean Venus!

Is what I am saying. Wenus!

We... we... ve... ve... Yes.

OK. Next to her is standing

your man, who's holding his...

Er. I don't know word.

You are seen what man

is holding in his hand, no?

Ye-es.

What are you calling it in English?

Well, you've... a very large choice, really.

No, it's not. It's one short word.

Much to the point.

Well, it's long weapon

with bend in middle.

- Oh, you mean a bow.

- Bow. Bow.

A bow. A bow and arrow.

I thought you meant the chap who was firing it.

In England we call him Cupid or Eros.

Is not mattering, Professor Crump.

You will continue.

(Mouths)

He is firing arrow

which is hitting people in arse.

- In what?

- Hitting people in arse.

In a...

Harse. Hearts.

Oh, I see.

- There.

- Da.

(Whistles)

- It is time for knocking it off.

- For what?

You shouldn't have brought us all this.

No, it was ever so nice of you.

Still, we'll make it up to you.

- How?

- I wonder what they'd like.

We'll soon have this up for you.

Oh, thanks.

Anyway, we'll just pop in the caravan

and get our things off.

- D-Do you reckon?

- It looks like it.

Waste of time putting it up, then.

I wouldn't say that, Ern.

(Low conversation)

- Hi!

- All right?

We're ready.

(Both cry out)

Are you all right?

(All laugh)

- (Laughter continues)

- Where are you going?

Swimming. See you!

Bye.

MAN:
I'll teach you the breaststroke. Come on.

Forget about 'em.

Eh? Oh. Oh, I have.

No, you haven't.

You are brooding over that Sandra.

Well, I was beginning to enjoy myself.

Be philosophical.

Plenty of time to pick up two more.

Not like Sandra.

If you ask me, we had a lucky escape.

It's a nice pub, this.

It reminds me of the one we used to have.

Oh. You... had a pub?

Yes, until my husband gave it up.

Oh. It's damned hard work, running a pub.

It was too hard for him. He got worn out

just sitting there watching me do all the work.

Are you...

Separated? Yes.

I haven't seen my husband for ten years.

- Care for another?

- No, thank you. He was enough.

No... (Chuckles)

Would you care for another drink?

No, I think I'm all right.

- I do, too.

- Major!

Oh, I'm... sorry.

I mean, not in here.

I have an idea.

What about popping back to my caravan

for a quick one?

Yes, why not?

- Good night.

- Oh, good night, madam.

- Good night.

- Good night, Major.

"Major"! He's a card, he is.

He calls himself a major.

- Well, isn't he, then?

- More like a major disaster.

Here, he's got the caravan site down the road.

He's most likely nipping back,

see if it's still there.

- Somebody might have nicked it?

- No, might have gone down one of them holes!

Down one of what holes?

Oh, the whole field is full of big holes.

It's the underground mining works.

They reckon the Romans dug 'em.

Well, we're up there,

and we haven't seen any holes.

No, you're not likely to,

till the ground opens

and down you go one of them.

Here, listen. He paid L#2,000 for that bit of land.

L#2,000!

I do not think that is very funny.

Nor me. Why are you laughing?

Because I'm the one who sold it to him!

Hey!

(Smashing and clattering)

That's not funny.

Major, I do believe

you're trying to get me sloshed.

Heavens above! No, there's no need to.

Er, what I... mean... was...

only a damned swine

- would try and get a girl drunk first.

- First?

- Well, damn waste of time

getting her drunk after... Oops!

No. Oh, no. Er, what I meant...

Ah.

What I meant...

would you care for a spot of music?

Yes, why not?

Ha, ha! This will get you in the mood for it.

- (Chuckles)

- Get me in the mood for what?

A spot of the old how's-your-father.

# Jaunty military tune

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