Carry on Behind Page #7

Whoa! This'll get you going.

It certainly will.

Good night and thank you

for a most delightful evening.

What a peculiar woman.

(Whines)

(Barks)

Oh, he wants to go out.

Good.

(Barks excitedly)

Well, close the door. It's nippy in here.

And come back to bed.

- Well, somebody's got to let him in.

- Oh, to hell with him.

Joe...

Joe!

He's gone into next door's tent thing.

(Grumbles)

Linda...

(Growls)

(Barks)

Oh, I say, I'm most awfully sorry.

- He didn't half give me a turn.

- Well, where is he?

- Under there.

- Oh.

Oh! Aaah! Oh!

- We slipped up.

- I couldn't help it.

- She came in after it.

- I just tried to grab hold of it.

(Ominously) Oh, yes?

- What's the matter?

- I'd like you to sleep in the annexe.

- Why?

- Because from now on,

Arthur is sleeping in here.

- All right, but I thought he was happy out there.

- He was. Too happy.

(Cock crows)

(Whistling)

Hello, darling!

(Caws)

Hello, darling! Show us your knickers.

Professor Crump?

Professor Crump!

- Yes?

- You were talking in your sleep.

- I wasn't, was I?

- You was.

- What was I saying?

- You were saying, "Darling!"

"Let me see your k-nickers!"

Oh. Yes, well, ah... no.

I expect what I probably said was,

"Show us your nicker."

Ah. "K-nicker" is only one leg, no?

No, it's a slang expression meaning a pound.

Expression for money.

So you're wanting to know

where I'm hiding my money?

Yes. That's right, of course.

In my sleep, of course.

I don't know what I'm saying in my sleep.

Then how you know

I hide my money in my knickers?

Well, I didn't know, but... are you?

Certainly. It's only safe place in explorations.

It depends on what you're exploring.

Professor Crump! (Tuts)

Where are you hiding yours?

I'm not hiding anything.

- I keep mine in my trousers.

- Really?

Er... good morning.

Good morning.

Are you all right? You look awful.

Me and Ernest had an evening out last night.

Yes, we heard you coming home.

We haven't seen much of you lately.

We've taken up archaeology.

Have you dug anything up?

- Yes, a couple of Roman soldiers.

- 2,000 years old.

They won't do you much good.

Oh, I don't know.

They look better than you do now.

That's a good one!

Fred. Fred!

- Goodbye, see you later.

(Door slams)

Could I speak to Mr O'Sullivan, please?

Barnes, get rid of that.

Right.

Dear, oh, dear! You have made a hash of them.

It's your guvnor, mate.

He's had the colour changed five times.

You want to get that lot off, mate,

and start again.

You get it off. We ain't got any paint stripper.

Ask him to get you some.

- You ask him.

- Right.

We want a girl singer for the cabaret.

(Hammering)

- It's a bad line. Stop that hammering!

- Hello.

- It's about them chairs.

Barnes, please. I'm on long-distance.

It'll all have to come off.

Barnes! I'm talking to a theatrical agent.

- I'm very sorry about that. Where was I?

- We need a stripper.

We need a stripper.

Barnes! What are you going on about?

We need a paint stripper for them chairs.

Well, you can't have any. Now, get out of it!

Oh.

I'm desperately sorry about that. Where was I?

Oh, you've got just the girl. Oh, jolly good.

I'll leave it all to you, shall I? Veronica, yes?

As long as she can get here by eight.

Right. Goodbye.

MAN:
Here we go.

Just take a stone. Steady, now. Steady.

You're doing very well. That's very good, Clive.

- Thank you, sir.

- Creep!

Yes, carry on scraping.

What do you make of it?

Is old Roman tool.

Must have been a very old Roman.

Just to remind you that the clubhouse

will be opened in one hour from now.

Thank you.

Ah, Barnes. You'd better go

and smarten yourself up, hadn't you?

You're serving behind the bar. What's that?

It's a telegram.

Oh. Huh!

Ah.

(Reads) Can't stand health farm.

Arriving tonight. Sylvia and Vera.

Look, I don't know any Sylvia and Vera.

That's cos it's not for you.

Well, why the hell didn't you say so?

I didn't get a chance.

I wanted you to announce it over that thing.

Oh, you...

This is Major Speep leaking.

Speaking.

TANNOY:
And here is another announcement.

Go on, hit it one with your shovel.

A...

(Electricity crackles)

(Fly buzzes)

(Buzzing slows down and stops)

Shht!

- Fred?

- Shh!

(Chuckles)

- What is it?

- It's fly spray.

- Fly spray?

- Yes.

Oh...

(Giggles) Whoo-hoo!

There's some local talent going past.

Coming?

I've got a feeling I'm going to be all right tonight.

I have, as well.

Zip me up, darling.

Don't do that. Mummy wouldn't like it.

Mummy's not going to get it.

I don't mean that. She might come in.

- Where is she?

- She went for a shower.

- Ready!

- Just coming.

Hello, darling. Show us your knickers!

There's a man in here!

Hello, darling!

It's a mynah bird.

- What?

- Aren't you the lady that lost one?

- Is it yours?

- Get stuffed!

Mine would never say things like that.

(Wolf-whistles)

I can't go into the ladies' showers!

But there's a man in there already!

- Yes, but...

- He might attack someone!

- You're right - me!

- Oh...

Oh!

All right, ladies. Where is he?

- Daphne?

- Henry!

- What's up?

- It's my husband.

Oh, what a beauty!

# Funky instrumental

- Yes, sir?

- Where's Barnes?

Somebody said he'd fainted.

- Fainted? Where?

- In the showers.

Too much for him, I suppose?

A lady took him back to his caravan.

Thanks, Daph.

How's your pudding?

How's my what?

Your steak-and-kidney pudding.

No-one can do it like you can.

I haven't done it for years.

- Why not?

- Well, nobody but you ever liked it.

Oh.

What are you doing down here, anyway?

Oh, I'm... I'm working.

What as?

- I'm an odd-job man.

- Odd-job man?!

Oh, really, Henry!

Don't get on to me.

Look, Henry, if you need a few quid...

Oh, no, no. No, it's not that, Daph.

I've been living rough saving money.

I've been saving.

Saving? You?

Don't say anything. Wait.

No, wait.

Here. Have a look at my bank book.

There.

L#20,000?!

I don't believe it.

They don't write it down if you don't put it in.

Where did you get it?

- Saved it.

- What? As an odd-job man?

Yep.

You must have been doing some very odd jobs.

I've been scrimping and saving for ten years.

And then, last year...

- Yes?

- I won the football pools!

How much?

L#19,950!

You're joking!

It's all yours, Daph, if you want it -

every penny of it.

Henry, I... I don't know what to say.

No-one else, is there?

Well, no, but...

Come back to me, Daph.

I'll smarten myself up.

I'll try and be a good husband.

I'll do anything you want. Anything!

Henry, look, this is all so sudden.

I'll have to have time to think.

# Jazzy music

Oh, we're not from the caravan site.

No, we're from the village.

Ooh!

Erm, would you care to dance, then?

Oh, I'd love to.

Oh, sorry. (Laughs nervously)

What about you, then?

Er, no, I... I can't do it any more.

- Do what?

- Dance.

Oh. Well, that's all right, then.

So I think we should be concentrating

on opening first excavation, no?

- Well, I don't know, because...

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