Carry on Behind Page #8

- No, no.

First we'll be opening house

where soldiers are coming for women. Yes.

Ah! I suppose you know by now

what we've been doing in that field.

I'm afraid it's no concern of mine.

I'm a civilian.

I'm also married.

I don't understand

why the dog can't sleep outside the caravan.

- Oh, Joe, that's not fair.

- Last night he tried to get into bed with us.

He could cause havoc in bed with his bone.

Well, he gets lonely.

I don't care if he does get lonely.

He's not getting in bed with us.

- He wanders about in the night.

- Hark who's talking!

(Car approaches)

I'm the cabaret. Sorry I'm late.

Oh, that's all right.

Don't worry, please. I'm glad you could make it.

I was a bit worried about your music, you see.

We have a piano, of course.

- I brought it with me, on tape.

- Really? What do you sing?

- Oh, I don't sing.

- You don't?

No. I'm er, a... dancer.

Oh. Well, never mind.

I'm sure you'll go down well.

# Jazzy music

Ladies and gentlemen...

please, may I have your attention,

ladies and gentlemen!

Please be seated. It's cabaret time.

Ready when you are.

# Striptease music

(Smattering of applause)

Here. I want it!

Ooh!

Good Lord.

- I believe she's doing a striptease.

- Looks like it.

Damn it! That's not what I ordered.

What is lady doing?

It's... a kind of dance.

It's very peculiar. In my country,

we don't have dance like this.

No, you have mixed bathing, instead.

But lady is not taking bath.

I hope she doesn't go too far.

Is wrong for lady showing

her k-nickers in public, no?

- Yes, I agree.

- So, we are leaving.

(Tearing)

(Tearing)

(Tearing)

(Multiple tearing)

(Sequence of tearing)

Oh! I can't stand up.

Well, I told you you should've worn 'em.

(Tearing)

(Tearing)

(Tearing)

- (Laughs)

What are we going to do?

We can't go home like this.

- I've got a needle and thread.

- Have you? Come on, let's go.

Oh, it's an orgy.

I shall have my licence taken away.

ERN:
Oh, oh! Cheers.

Bottoms up.

I shall get to the bottom of this.

I feel a complete arse.

Oh, it's coming on to rain.

We all can't get in there.

It's all right. We can go in that caravan.

- Is it yours?

- No, but they won't mind.

(Thunderclap)

Hey, let's go down to our van, man.

- What?

- Yeah.

(Laughter)

Better be quick. It's going to rain.

(Women scream)

- It's all right. We haven't come to disturb you.

Come in, lads. Make yourselves at home.

Sit yourself down. Ernest, the drinks.

WOMEN:
Oh! Ooh!

Oh!

Hurry up, Sylvia.

Phwoar, look at that!

Come here, darling.

- Awful weather we're having, lovely.

- Ooh!

Ooh! (Groans)

Don't hit me!

(Men groan and women scream)

HENRY:

Daph! We haven't done this for ten years.

DAPHNE:

Well, don't talk so much. Get on with it.

HENRY:
Here. (Chuckles)

Have a look at this.

DAPHNE:
Lay it on the table, so I can see it.

Ooh, you've got two.

Yeah! Two aces and three kings.

It's a full house.

- Well, I...

- Daph.

Oh, don't go. Give us a kiss.

Don't start that again.

I've told you, I haven't decided yet.

Well, give us a kiss and then decide.

No. Now, deal the cards.

Arthur, I don't know

where Mummy could've got to.

- Perhaps some fella picked her up.

- Don't be so coarse.

Or perhaps she picked up some fella.

- Ow!

- Serves you right.

(Drops of water tinkle)

(Rhythmic tinkling)

# Hums Russian melody

# Continues to hum

Is making nice tune, no?

If you like it so much,

why don't you come up this end?

Professor! You're making invitation, no?

No, I meant you come up this end

and I'll come up your end.

No, no. Is nicer this end.

Nice to have 'em back.

- I've missed 'em, you know.

- Me too.

- (Whines)

- What's that? What's that?

- (Whines)

- Get him off me! Get that -

Look at the time. We've been playing all night.

- Just like we used to.

- Well, I must go.

- No, no.

- Yes, I must.

(Crash)

- Oh, my God!

(Screams)

Ooh, what's happened?

Who cares?

(Crash)

Aaah!

- Ooh! Naughty Professor.

- It's all right. I'm just going.

Oh, is no rush, is no rush.

Aah! Oh, oh! Oh, no.

- Is no rush, is no rush.

- Ooh...

What's happening?

It's them holes. They warned us.

The whole caravan site is riddled with big holes.

Well, we seem to be all right.

Better check, though.

Ernest?

- You all right?

- Yes.

I don't think there's holes round here.

Aah!

- Oh!

- What's the matter?

Where are they?

FRED:
Blub-blub!

Oh, Barnes. You are coming back?

Yes. I may do, Major.

- When?

- Next year, on our holidays.

Drive on, Arthur.

(Beeping)

(Rowdy goodbyes)

Come again.

Oh. How do you do?

Oh - a couple of birds we picked up.

- Oh! - I think we're going to be

all right with these two.

(Ern laughs)

Bye-bye.

VOOSHKA:
Isn't it exciting?

CRUMP:
Yes!

VOOSHKA:
So that is what they calling

"having it off", no?

CRUMP:
Ye-ye- Here. Not so loud!

VOOSHKA:
Put your piece in.

(Strains)

- Ooh, no, it's rude.

- Oh...

Oh, what a beauty!

Thank you very much for your lovely gift.

Oh, that's all right. It was nothing.

I can't think why she sold him.

Get stuffed!

Show us your knickers.

Oh, here! Ooh, stop messing about!

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