Carry On Cabby

Wotcha, mate!

Oi, where's the funeral, then?

Watch it, mate, she's got out of the box.

(Chuckles)

Don't do that when you take your test, mate,

you'll never pass.

You filthy, rotten road hog.

Good for you, lady. (Chuckles)

(Tyres screech)

What's the matter with you?

Can't you give a hand signal?

Oh, veteran driver.

Charlie!

Charlie!

Charlie! Ted!

Hello, Peg,

and how are you this lovely morning?

Never mind the lovely morning.

Where's Charlie?

Charlie? Oh, l don't know, Peg.

Perhaps he's in the office.

No he's not, l've just been in there.

Oh.

l meant...the other office, you know, the...

What, for two hours?

Oh, come off it, Ted, you can't fool me.

Has he gone out cabbing?

Mm? Oh, no. Well, he wouldn't do that,

would he? Not after he's promised you.

He's somewhere around, l expect.

Don't worry. Look, l'll find him.

- Well?

- lt's all right, l've finished it.

- You mean you've done all the things you said?

- Yeah.

- How did you do 'em, then?

- lt's simple, just took up the slack.

Service.

What do you want?

Oh, sorry. Beg your pardon.

l think l'll have a nice quick fourpenny roll

with you.

That's enough sauce out of you, Ted.

lf you don't shut up...

- Give us a kiss, then.

- No, l won't.

You ought to be...

Ooh.

l wish l had a nice big spanner handy.

So do l. l'd get you loosened up a bit.

Why don't you two get married

and we could all get a bit of peace?

- That suits me fine. How about it, Sally?

- Over my dead body.

That's not what you said in the pictures.

- Why, what did l say?

- Oh, very romantic it was. What was it, now?

Oh, yeah, she said,

''You get your hand away!'' she said.

Eh?

- He was trying to pinch my walnut crackles.

- Yeah, and l very nearly did too.

- We'll have to get married now, won't we?

- l'm warning you, if you don't shut up, l'll...

l'll fling this tea in your ugly mug.

Ooh, blimey, l'm going.

Sounds too much like home.

Yeah, watch out for that clutch, Smiley.

lt's a bit fierce.

Walnut crackles!

(Horn toots)

No, l haven't.

(Starts engine)

You should have opened the gate first.

l did open the gate!

Smiley, what the devil's going on?

- Blimey! What's happened?

- He forgot to open the gate.

l didn't forget to open the perishing gate!

- You must have done. lt's shut, look!

- That's right.

- l shut it when l came in.

- Would you mind shutting up, when...?

- You shut it?

- Well, of course l did.

Why?

lt says, ''Have you closed the gate?''

And l hadn't, so l did.

But l'd just opened it to go out, you great big nit.

All right, Smiley, l can handle this. Just drive

down to the repair bay before Charlie sees it.

- Who are you? What do you want?

- Oh, l want a job.

Made a good start, haven't you?

Oh, have l started?

Look, cock, shove off. Try the breaker's yard.

lt's more in your line.

Oh. Are you the boss or something?

l'm what they call the something manager.

And my advice to you is to be off.

- You mean buzz off?

- No, but you're getting warm.

But l want to be a taxi driver.

The bloke who gave me this card,

he said l'd be all right here.

- ''This is to introduce...'' Oh, ex-army, eh?

- Yeah.

Well, the boss likes to look after the boys,

you know. He was in it himself.

Yes. ls your name really Tankard?

Yes. Terry Tankard,

only the boys always called me Pintpot.

Well... Are you sure it was Pint-pot?

Oh, yes. You see, it's cos my name is Tankard.

Oh, right. Thank you very much indeed.

The boss is out with a cab at the moment,

- so you'd better come and have a cuppa.

- Thank you.

- Sorry.

- There won't be much of this place left.

Well, Ted, where is he, then?

Er...where's who, Peg?

You know very well who. The guv'nor.

You can't see him now. He's out in a cab.

Oh? How do you know?

He told me.

Oh, l remember now. Yes.

- You see, we're rather short of drivers...

- You needn't bother making excuses for him.

The fact is, he'd rather spend his time

playing about with a taxi than with me.

Oh, don't talk nonsense, Peg.

You know he loves playing about with...

l mean spending time with you.

What time? He's up and out before l'm awake

and not back till after l'm asleep.

l haven't had a chance to talk to him

since last Wednesday,

and then it was only with his legs.

His legs?

Yes, sticking out from under a cab.

lt's not fair. He knows l can't get under one.

You can't blame him for working hard, Peg.

There's lots of women who'd be pleased

to be married to Charlie.

So would l, and l'm his wife.

Well...l want to talk to him.

Which cab has he got out?

- 66.

- Clickety-click.

l'll give him clickety-click.

That's right.

Have you got everything on the front?

Yes, now, that little one can go on the seat.

No, l think l'd better take that.

No. No, it had better go on the seat.

That's right. Now, then,

the basket can go on the seat with me, too.

Now...l'll take the umbrella.

Thank you.

That's it. Now, then, that just leaves this one,

and be very careful with this.

lt's real cowhide.

Naturally. lt belongs to a real... Cowhide is it?

Are you sure you haven't forgotten anything?

Like kitchen sink, parrot, husband?

My husband has passed on.

l'm not surprised.

Are you sure he's in 66, Mrs H?

He don't answer.

l'm positive. Just keep trying.

Come in, 66. Where are you?

Where are you, 66? Come on, let's have you.

All right, all right, Sarge, l'm here.

Don't do your nut. What's all the panic about?

l'll talk to him.

- Charlie, is that you?

- Oh, blimey.

- Are you there, Charlie?

- (French accent) This is Radio Luxembourg.

And now for a spot of the old dance music.

You can stop that nonsense. l know it's you.

Charlie, have you forgotten what today is?

Today?

No, sweetheart,

of course l haven't forgotten what today is.

l mean, how could l forget what today is?

Oh, blimey, it's our anniversary.

Exactly. Heaven knows, l don't ask much,

but l would have thought this was one day in

a year when you didn't have to go out cabbing.

Cabbing? What makes you think

l'm cabbing, love?

l just slipped out to get you a present.

Really, Charlie?

You don't think l'd be plying for hire

on a day like this, do you?

Driver, please don't talk while you're driving.

lt makes me nervous.

- Who was that?

- Who was what, love?

Who's that woman you've got with you?

Oh, just some old...f*ggot

l'm taking to the station, that's all.

l thought you said you weren't cabbing.

lt happened to be on the way.

There's no point in turning down a few bob.

Charlie, l don't know what's happened to you.

You never used to be like this.

Do you remember what you said to me

on our wedding night?

Of course l remember.

l said...

Move over and give us a bit of room, mate!

What? What did you say?

l wasn't talking to you, sweetheart.

l'm talking to some other lunatic...driver.

Well, just to refresh your memory,

you said you'd never let anything

come between us and our happiness.

- l know that, love, but l can't...

- Kindly concentrate on your driving.

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