Carry On Cabby Page #2

- Oh, belt up!

- Charlie!

- l'm talking to the old f*ggot.

- l beg your pardon?!

l happen to be talking to my wife.

Well, l'm glad you realise that!

Look here, Peg,

l'm trying to do three things at a time.

l'll be home in five minutes

with something very nice for you.

Really, Charlie?

What is it?

That would be telling, wouldn't it?

Something to wear. Something very special.

- What is it, Charlie?

- Driver, l really don't feel safe.

Never you mind. Just slip out of your old clothes,

get into something slinky

and l'll be back there with something very nice.

Help! Police! Stop the cab!

- Let me out of here! Help!

- She's gone mad.

- Has she gone raving mad or something?

- Police!

- Police! Mad woman!

- Police!

All right, Allbright, time you were off.

- What are you hanging around here for?

- l've got a complaint.

Don't worry. Keep taking the tablets.

You can laugh if you like,

but l was thinking of calling a protest meeting.

- About what?

- All these ex-service people you keep training.

lt's placing our jobs in jopardy.

Yeah, that's the only word for it. ''Jopardy''.

Right, then, before Charlie started,

there wasn't a regular cab service here.

Now we've got 40,

employing 20 regular drivers...

lt's up to me in my official capacity

as shop steward to make...

BOTH:
..an official complaint.

- l know about that, but you've got to sort it out.

- Here's your tea.

Can l get you a cup, Mr Watson?

- No, thanks. l'll get my own.

- lt slipped out of my hand. Terribly sorry.

- Couldn't have happened to a nicer bloke.

- That poor lad.

That's the third cup of tea he's bought since

he came in here. He hasn't got one down yet.

Could l have another cup, Miss, please?

- Here you are, dear. Try and get that one down.

- Don't you worry. l will.

So sorry.

l say, what will you think of me?

l'll let you know when l've dried out.

ls Peg upstairs?

- Yeah. She's not too pleased with you.

- Wait till she sees the fur coat l've bought her.

Ooh, great. This, by the way, is Tankard.

He's a member of your old mob

and he's looking for a job.

Go on! RASC?

- Had much driving experience?

- Five years on the road without an accident.

- You don't do so well off it.

- l'm sorry about that, Mr Hawkins.

l'm not as clumsy as that, driving. Honest.

- What were you with?

- Bulldozers.

Then you'd make a very good cab driver.

When are the others starting?

- This morning. They're in the office.

- Blimey. l tell you what, we'll give you a go.

You go into my office with the others

and tell 'em l'll be along in five minutes.

Thank you very much, Mr Hawkins.

l won't let you down, l promise.

There'll be no more mistakes.

- lt's all right.

- No, no. l can do it, Mr Hawkins.

- You don't have to...

- Wait a minute.

Excuse me.

l could punish myself.

And don't open 'em till l tell you.

Still closed?

Any minute now.

Right, now.

- Ooh, Charlie.

- (Chuckles)

Ooh!

Ohh, it's lovely.

l'll say it is. Genuine mammoth, that is.

Oh, don't be silly, Charlie.

Straight up. lt said so on the shop window.

''Mammoth fur sale.''

Ah, you're pulling my leg.

l know stranded musquash when l see it.

Stranded musquash?

Shipwrecked meat, more like it.

l don't care what it is.

lt's lovely.

- Happy anniversary.

- You too, love.

Oh, 'ere, here's the bill.

- l promised you'd send them a cheque today.

- All right.

l don't know why you put all your money

into my account.

Well, it's safer there, innit?

l get enough from tips, don't l?

l've got your present here, Charlie.

You would have got it earlier,

only you went out before l woke up.

Oh, you shouldn't have bothered

getting me anything. Here, hang on to that.

Hey, what's this?

Oh, that's marvellous. That's smashing.

That's just what l wanted.

- What is it?

- lt's a smoking jacket.

- Oh.

- There's a pipe to go with it...and slippers.

- l thought they'd go well with the cottage.

- They will, won't they?

l've found the very one, Charlie.

lt's only six miles out of town.

lt's all plaster and oak beams.

We can easily afford it now, too.

Yeah. Yes, it sounds very nice, but er...

You'll love it, Charlie.

lt's got this great big garden

and an old-fashioned kitchen and a nursery.

Yeah. Well, we don't want to worry about moving

till the kids come along, do we?

Here, l'd better gallop. Excuse me.

Charlie! You're not going again?

l've got to, love. l've got boys waiting

to start instruction. See you at dinner time.

(Door closes)

- Damn him.

Now, then, before you start, there are

one or two things l want to make quite clear.

Firstly, when you get to be a cab driver, you cut

yourself off from the rest of the human race.

Everybody's got it in for you

and nobody loves you.

ln no time at all, you'll find that you're as popular

as a wickerwork seat in a nudist camp,

and you know what sort of impression

that makes on people.

- Ooh, that's very good.

- Thank you.

Secondly, don't think it's easy to get

a cabby's licence, because it's not.

You have to pass a very stiff police test.

Thirdly...it's hard work and long hours.

We run a day and night service here.

lf you do night work, it means lots of overtime -

which is very handy -

but makes you very unpopular with the missus.

Now, then, if any of you don't fancy the job,

now's your time to speak.

We will get one night off a week, won't we?

- Course. Are you married?

- Oh, no.

Only l belong to this rambling club, you see,

and so does a very nice girl, too,

and...well...once a week,

we do like to go as far as we can.

Yes.

Oh, Peg, it's really beautiful.

- You are lucky.

- Yes, aren't l?

lt's just what l always wanted.

Now, Peg, you mustn't let it upset you like this.

l can't help it.

l'm so happy.

l know just how you feel.

Like when Ted gave me this bracelet

for my birthday.

lt was the nicest present l'd ever had.

Not as nice as your fur coat, of course.

What's the use of having a nice fur coat if there's

no-one to admire you or take you out in it?

Right, you've all had a chance to study

this map of the town.

Len, supposing you had to pick up a fare there,

to go to the station there, what's your best route?

Well, that's easy. Straight along the high street.

The ''best'' route, l said, not the shortest.

A cab driver never goes straight anywhere,

mate. Here, give me that.

Look, that's the way l'd go. Down there, along

here, up there, there, there, there and here.

See that?

Now, that way takes in five sets of traffic lights.

Every time you wait at a red, it's thrupence.

Five reds, you've hit the jackpot.

Here, Pintpot,

you're very good at going as far as you can,

supposing you have to take a fare from

the rank there to the theatre here, show me.

Well, let me see now.

First of all, l'd turn left into James Street.

Right into North Road.

- Left into London Road.

- Yes.

Right at the lights.

Ooh, where does that get me?

ln court. You've gone down two one-way streets

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