Carry On Cabby Page #3

and into a public convenience.

lt's not so much not seeing much of him

or not going anywhere,

it's having to live here in the garage,

just like another cab.

Why don't you get that cottage in the country

you're always talking about?

l want to and it isn't as if we can't afford it.

There's thousands in the bank

and all in my name too.

Every time l bring it up,

he says he ''must be near the business''.

Might be different if we had a kid.

Don't you believe it. Ted's just the same.

Put me and an old engine side by side,

l'll give you one guess

which one he'd start to strip down.

They've got cabs on the brain, both of them.

Even when we do get a chance to talk,

it's cabs, cabs, cabs.

He can't even get into bed now

without saying, ''Where to?''

Well, you're too soft with him, Peg.

You want to assert yourself now and then.

Yeah, l suppose so.

Well, it's not as if he's a bad husband,

it's just that...he doesn't seem to have

much time for me any more.

Even today, it's our anniversary.

l've hardly seen him.

You'll be going out tonight

and celebrating somehow, won't you?

l don't think so. He hasn't said anything.

Well, don't wait for him to say. You say.

Just tell him you want to go out

and have some fun.

Do you think l should?

- What have you got to lose?

- (Horn honks)

l'd better get back to the canteen.

School's out.

Oh, look at him!

Ringmaster Hawkins and his Liberty taxis.

That's it. Now keep it nice and smooth, that's it.

Keep it going. Lovely. That's it. Lovely.

That's it. That's the idea.

Just remember, all the time you're cruising,

you're on the lookout for fares,

so keep those eyes going.

That's it. Lovely.

Now you've all got a touch of the cabby's eyes.

Tell you what we'll do now.

We'll pretend l'm a fare, so stand by.

Taxi!

Have you gone raving mad?

You're supposed to pick 'em up,

not run 'em down.

Oh, l'm sorry. l'm too anxious, that's my trouble.

(Giggles)

Save that for your rambling club, mate. Get out.

Right, you lot, that wasn't bad, but you all made

one serious mistake - your flags are still up.

The very second somebody hails you,

get that flag down.

'Ere, look, l'll show you. Hold that.

Now here's the drill. Watch!

- All right, somebody, go on, yell taxi.

- Taxi!

One, two.

See that?

Here we go again. One, two.

Note the acknowledging gesture

with the right hand.

Right, come on, you have a go. There we are.

- Ready?

- Yes.

Taxi!

One, two.

One, two.

- Using all the fingers.

- Oh.

lt's courtesy to all customers at all times, until

you see the tip, then it's every man for himself.

- Keep the change.

- Oh, thank you, sir.

Oh, excuse me, sir,

does this pearl earring belong to you?

What, with tweeds?

l've got a good bunch of new lads this time.

One of them's a bit over-enthusiastic, let's say,

but l'll soon make a good cab driver out of him,

don't you worry.

With a bit of luck, we'll have

four more cabs on the road next month.

- Charlie...

- That'll make 44. Not bad for a town this size.

With each of them averaging 30 quid a week,

we'll really make some money.

- Charlie, l want to go out this evening.

- Then we get three more cabs and... You what?

l said l'd like to go out tonight,

up town or something.

- Up town? What for?

- Well, l'd like to see a good show,

have a nice supper after.

All right, only l thought, as it's our anniversary,

you might like to spend the evening with me.

l meant with you.

Oh. Well, we don't want to waste time

going up town, do we?

Just do what we always do - get a bottle in,

watch the telly and have a bit of a cuddle up.

Oh, yes. Like last year, when

you had to go out on a call halfway through.

- Halfway through what?

- Amateur boxing.

Oh, well, you don't have to worry about that

tonight, sweetheart, cos there's none on.

lt's no good, Charlie. l've made up my mind.

- We're going out...at seven o'clock.

- But...

And l've asked Sally and Ted to come with us.

And, what's more, we're not going by cab.

We're going in style.

By bus.

Bus?

Take it easy. Take it easy.

You're not driving a bulldozer now.

Just relax. Watch it!

- Missed him.

- Look, do me a favour, just take it easy.

This may be an old cab,

but it's the first one l had and l'm fond of her.

(Horn honks)

What are you doing?

Hey! Don't do that. You'll distract him.

(Horn honks)

Go round there.

We're home.

Oh, my gawd.

That was fun, wasn't it? l enjoyed that. (Giggles)

l wish l could say the same.

Have an accident?

No thank you, we've just had some.

What's the matter with Smiley's cab, then?

He hasn't shown up, and he's got a booking for

the airport at six and four other bookings later.

- Can't one of the other fellas do it?

- No, they're all busy.

Airport, eh? Well, l can do that trip

and still be back in time to take Peg out.

OK, l'll do the honours for you.

- Weren't you and Sal coming out with us?

- We can't let bookings down, can we?

Anyway, it's your anniversary, not ours.

- Well, if you don't mind...

- lt's quite all right. There's the address.

l'll drive if you like, Mr Hawkins.

- You're joking, aren't you?

- Ahh, well, couldn't l come with you, then?

- Just to see how it's done?

- No. You're not supposed to see...

Come on, then.

(Giggles)

Oi!

Hello, Sally.

Oh. Nearly finished here, Ted.

Won't be a minute.

- No need to hurry. Take your time.

- What do you mean?

l've got to go home and do my hair

and get changed and do everything yet.

Oh, you don't want to worry about all that.

You don't think l'm going to London

looking like this?

No, l don't. You see...

Well, Smiley hasn't turned up yet, you see,

and there's a lot of bookings come in

and, well, l knew you wouldn't mind if l just...

Look, Sal, please don't do it.

l know you won't do that, Sal.

(Excited chatter)

There we are, then. Just got married?

Yes.

Lovely. Won't be wrong now, will it? (Chuckles)

- Here we are.

- Thanks.

- Oh, what about my bag?

- She's already in.

l wonder if l've got the right soap.

l can't remember whether it was green

for oily skin...or oily for green skin.

Still, after 1 4 years, l don't suppose

he'd notice the difference anyway.

- Well, that's it.

- Yes.

Blimey, look at the time. Where are they?

Oi!

Save something for later.

- Madam.

- Thank you.

- That's exactly twelve and six please, guv.

- Oh, thanks.

- And keep the change.

- Oh, thank you, sir.

- l wish you a very happy honeymoon.

- Thanks.

- Don't forget your cases.

- Oh, my clothes!

- Thank you.

- l am so sorry.

lt's a good job you won't be needing them,

isn't it?

Get back in there!

Who would've thought a towel would have made

all that much difference?

We'll just make it. Half an hour to get back,

ten minutes to put some decent clobber on...

What's that bloke playing at?

What's he trying to do? Kill himself?

Are you a taxi?

No, this is a taxi, l'm a driver,

he's a learner and you're a twit.

- Now, get out of the way. l'm in a hurry.

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