Carry On Cabby Page #4

- No, help me. My wife's going to have a baby.

lf l don't get home by seven, mine will have a fit.

No, look, you must help me.

l've got to get her to hospital. lt's on the way.

How do you know it's on the way?

You don't know where l'm going.

No, no, the baby's on the way.

- Oh, all right, then, but hurry up, please.

- Through the white gate.

Yes, all right.

Sarge! Come in, Sarge.

Sarge! (Blows)

lsn't that just my flipping luck?

Now the radio's gone on the blink.

l can't even tell Peg where we're going.

- Please hurry.

- l'm doing 50 now, mate.

- Aren't we anywhere near it yet?

- lt's not far now.

- You've been saying that for the last ten miles.

WOMAN:
Jeremy.

- lt's all right, l'm here dear.

- We're all here, dear.

(Doorbell)

- About time.

Oh. l thought it was Charlie.

- Where's Ted?

- We can't go. He's got to work tonight.

What a shame. Oh, well, never mind. Come in

and have a drink while we're waiting for Charlie.

Wait a tick. We're going the wrong way.

He said turn in and go straight up to the front.

Oh, yes, but on the board it said,

''All deliveries round the back.''

Here we are, then.

lt's all right. lt was a false alarm.

- lt was a what?

- We can go home now.

Oh, yes, she said would you mind hurrying?

She's got something in the oven.

You can say that again.

He's late, isn't he?

- Who?

- Charlie.

Oh, yes, l suppose he is a little bit.

Good thing. Time for another little drinky.

Right, there we are. Now hurry up, please.

- Thank you, how much do l owe you?

- Five bob that's on the clock.

WOMAN:
Ooh, Jeremy!

- What is it, dear?

Oh, no! Don't tell me.

- Left at the next crossroads.

- l know.

l've been here before, remember?

Trust me to get one that doesn't know

whether it's coming or going.

l wonder what it's like to have a baby.

Why don't you ask her?

All right.

Excuse me, Miss, l...

''Miss''?

No?

No, l suppose we might as well go back home.

Just a minute, are you absolutely certain

she is going to have a baby?

Oh, yes. This isn't really very surprising,

you know, because it isn't due till next week.

lf you think l'm galloping backwards

and forwards till next week, you're raving mad.

Stop! Stop the cab!

Help! Nurse!

Nurse!

What does he want a nurse for?

Dunno, but if it's what l think it is,

you'd better start a fire, put the kettle on

and keep the meter going.

Oh, yes, of course.

No.

There's only one word for him.

Stinker.

Right? Right.

But l'm not going to take any more of it.

l'm finished.

Do you know what l'm going to do

when he comes home?

No? Well, l'll tell you.

l'm just not going to do anything at all.

That's what l'm going to do.

(Door opens)

Yes? ls it?

Not yet.

Ooh. This waiting is awful.

l can't stand any more of this.

What are you getting into such a state for?

Anybody would think it was yours.

(Sucks)

(Baby wailing)

ALL:
We're daddies!

- Which one's the father?

ALL:
l am!

- He is.

- Well, you've got a fine baby boy.

Well done. Congratulations, mate.

- Well done. Congratulations.

- Not me. Him.

- And you too.

- Thank you.

- Here, sit down, mate. Go on, have a rest.

- No, l feel wonderful.

- l feel fine.

- You haven't seen the meter.

(Guffaws)

Nurse, 'ere, leave the baby.

(Chimes and cuckoos)

(Chiming stops)

(Bottles clank)

Peg, are you awake?

Get out!

Oh. Well, l'm sorry l didn't get back, but er...

l was out in the cab with old Pintpot, you see,

and we had a baby.

Peg?

Peg?

Peg, are you in there?

(Knocking)

Peg?

Oh, Peggy, let me in!

l want to talk to you.

Oh, Peggy, come on.

Peggy! Oh, let me in.

l want to talk to you about last night.

Good morning, Charlie. How are you?

Look, love, l know you're mad at me,

but it wasn't my fault. Honest.

- Mad at you? Why should l be mad at you?

- About last night.

Why, what happened last night?

Well, you know,

l didn't get back in time to take you out.

Oh, yes, l remember.

You had a baby.

Yeah. No, it wasn't me.

lt was this woman in the cab.

We were taking these newlyweds to the airport.

- And they had a baby?

- Yeah.

No, it wasn't them. lt was the other couple.

We were coming back from the air...

Blimey, what's the good? You don't believe me.

Of course l believe you, Charlie.

You're not clever enough

to think up an excuse that good.

Look, l'm only trying to say l'm sorry.

No, l'm the one that should apologise.

You? What for?

Well, l've been thinking. lt's unreasonable of me

to sit around here, moping all day,

and expect you to keep on taking me out

once a year.

Oh, blimey.

Peg, l wouldn't say you've been unreasonable.

Yeah, but l would.

lt's having nothing to do, that's the trouble.

But you don't have to worry.

l'm going to get a job.

You're going to what?

(Disgruntled voices outside)

Don't you think you ought to get down there,

darling?

Seems to be some trouble.

Never mind about that.

What do you mean, you're going to get a job?

- Just what l say. l'm going out to work.

- Oh, no, you're not.

Get a job!

l've never heard anything so ridiculous

in my life. Get a job?! What can you do?

Well, l may not be able to do anything

for you any more,

- but there's plenty l can do for someone else.

- All right, go and get yourself a job if you can.

- See if l care.

- l'm going to.

Peg. Peg. Hey, Peggy, look. l was only kidding.

- Peggy, hey!

- (Raised voices outside)

Oh, blimey, what's going on out there?

Where are my flipping shoes?

(All speak at once)

All right. All right! One at a time, please!

- (Hubbub continues)

- Shut up!

(Silence)

That's better.

lt's not a peace conference, you know.

Now, come on. Let's get this thing sorted out.

There's nothing to sort out.

She's not taking this cab out.

(Argument continues)

All right, all right. Come on, now.

What's all the row about?

Hello, Flo. Long time no see. How are you?

l'm all right, thanks, Mr Hawkins.

But Smiley isn't. He's had to go to hospital.

Oh, l'm sorry about that.

l wondered why he didn't show up yesterday.

He'll be all right. Nothing could kill him.

Anyhow,

l thought l'd come and take his cab out for you.

No sense letting it stand idle

when we can do with the money.

- Who's objecting?

- l am. lt's against union rules.

- Union rules?

- She's taking a man's job.

And she's upsetting our working conditions.

- How?

- Well, in the first place,

we'd all have to watch our language and,

in the second place, there's only one WC here.

Well, l've forgotten more language

than you ever knew

and, in the second place,

l don't want to go in the first place.

(Chuckles) Good for you, Flo.

How about that, Allbright?

Very funny, l'm sure, but l'm warning you, if she

takes this cab out, l'm calling all the boys out.

- Forget it. l don't want to cause you any trouble.

- Sorry, Flo, but don't worry about it.

- l'll look after you and Smiley.

- Thanks.

- Come on, Ted. Get on with it.

- Come on. Let's get these cabs out on the road.

All right, Mr Allbright?

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