Carry On Cabby Page #5

No, l like a good fight.

You gave in much too easily.

l bet you say that to all the girls.

Mrs Sims? Would you come up a minute?

l'd like to talk to you about a job.

That's roughly it.

- Are you serious, Mrs Hawkins?

- Yeah, of course l am.

lt's about time we showed these men

a thing or two.

Men? They're only good for one thing.

They wouldn't be much good at that without us.

What do you say, then? ls it a deal.

Well, l could do with the work,

but it's not gonna be easy, you know.

- lt'll take a few weeks.

- The sooner we get started, the better.

What's Mr Hawkins gonna say?

Nothing...because we're not gonna tell him.

- Oh, it's gonna be a surprise for him, eh?

- One hell of a surprise, Mrs Sims.

l'll take 1 5.

(Alarm rings)

(Door closes)

(Sizzling)

May l see your legs, please?

Right. You've got the job. Next please, Flo.

You've got the job.

- Workman's Return, Waterloo, mate.

- Oh, shut up.

Come in.

- Morning, Charlie.

- Sit down.

Have a bit of lunch.

l've got a cold kipper, cold chop,

some mouldy cheese, some stale bread,

some cold mash potato with lumps in...

No, thank you. l'm not hungry now.

l bet you'll be glad

when old Peg packs this job in.

Don't you believe it.

l'm doing very well without her, don't you worry.

Well, it looks like it.

l haven't had a decent dinner

for two solid months.

She goes out seven o'clock in the morning.

l never know what time she's coming back.

l hardly see her at all these days.

- What's she doing?

- How do l know?

- Haven't you even asked her?

- Certainly not.

lf she doesn't want to tell me,

l'm certainly not going to ask her, mate.

l just couldn't care less, that's all.

Cor, Charlie, please.

That's no way to handle women.

- Hark who's talking. What about you and Sally?

- Well, that's different, innit?

We're not even married.

Anyway, l gave her a bloody good talking to

and we've reached an understanding.

- And what's that?

- l don't know. We're not talking to each other.

There you are, you see.

No, l am not gonna be crawling around,

begging for information, mate.

lf she wants to tell me what she's doing, all right,

but l am not asking her. l don't wanna know.

Oh, Ted, what is she up to? What is she doing?

Right, girls, this is it.

l want you to get out there and grab all

the business from under their smug male noses.

l don't care how you do it, within reason,

just get the fares in your cabs.

(Giggles)

ln the back of the cab, dear, with you in the front.

- Any questions?

- Well, actually, darling,

do you think we really stand a chance?

l mean, there are far more men drivers, actually.

l know, but the men haven't got

your advantages, dear.

Just flash your headlamps at 'em.

And, any way, this is just the start.

There'll be more of you on the road

just as fast as Flo can train 'em.

Supposing we have a man passenger

- and he tries to start something...

- Then use this.

- What's that?

- A starting handle.

There's nothing better for stopping something.

Right, into your cabs, girls.

Well, here goes, Flo.

l hope l'm doing the right thing.

Are you still worrying about your old man?

Look, you said yourself,

the only thing he worries about is cabs.

Well, you're just giving him

a few more to worry about.

l know, but...well,

it's all his money we're using, really.

And you're just giving him

a taste of his own medicine.

lf this doesn't make him sit up

and take a bit of notice of you, nothing will.

Anyway, you can't stop now.

That's right.

- Get 'em off.

- That's more like it. Right.

FLO:
Signs on!

Wagons roll!

Ooh, l say,

you'll never guess what l've just seen.

A smashing bit of overtime driving a cab.

Get away.

- l just saw Charlie Claw selling bootlaces.

- Go on! How much were they?

- Oh, belt up. Have a cup of tea.

- Oh, thank you.

- Smashing bit of overtime driving a cab!

- But it was.

A brunette, and she was covered all over with...

legs and things.

Don't be filthy.

Pintpot, please, birds don't drive cabs.

They can't. They've haven't got...

- That's her.

- Excuse me.

This is the cab drivers' caf, isn't it?

- That's right.

- Oh, jolly good.

Well... Well, l'd like... Oh, no, what was it?

- Oh, yes, a cup of char and a wad.

- l'm off.

- What's the hurry?

- l can't afford to let my missus catch me in here.

She took me off the buses cos of the clippies.

(Chuckles)

Any of you chaps free?

Oh, yes, l am, darling.

l say.

Would you mind taking me to the Station Hotel,

please, and take your time.

Oh, l'd love to.

Excuse me interfering,

but we have a system here.

First in, first out. Len was in first, so it's his fare.

Oh, dear.

l'm terribly sorry, darling,

but it looks as if you won't be able to have me.

Don't you believe it, my dear.

l have a system, too - ladies first.

After you.

- What are you going to do about that, eh?

- All right. All right.

lt's no good yelling at me. l can't stop 'em, can l?

There must be a couple of dozen of them

on the road at least. lt's not fair.

And you should see the stuff that's driving them.

Don't be disgusting.

What chance do we stand against that?

lt's up to you to do something.

What do you expect me to do about it?

Dress you all up in tight skirts and falsies?

- Don't be so common.

- Here's Charlie.

Let's go and see what he's got to say.

Charlie, you've got to do something. These lads

are full of complaints about these other cabs.

l know all about it and l don't like it

any more than you do. l've just seen one of 'em.

- What's she look like, Charlie?

- She had a...

- Who cares what she looks like?

- l reckon the customers will.

Yes. Let's go in the canteen and talk about it.

Come on.

CHARLlE:
Where did that come from?

l put it there.

l thought it might cheer the place up a bit.

- Fifth columnist.

- You've got a cheek putting that up there.

- Where did you get it?

- Someone gave it to me.

Sounds like a marvellous service to me.

'Ere, listen to this. Listen.

''Glamcabs. The modern efficient way to travel.

No draughty old taxis.

Ring 32323 for prompt and pleasant service.

No waiting. No tipping.''

No tipping?

- Cor!

- What about that?!

Looks like you've got real competition there.

Hey, look at this bit, though.

''Our drivers are there to please.

Just ask for what you want''?!

Really? Cor!

What was that number again?

Oh, shut up.

You lot stay here.

l'm going to find out who's behind this.

32 Dawson Street.

Thank you, sir.

- Got that, Flo?

- Yeah.

Calling Anthea. Calling Anthea.

Anthea here.

Go to 32 Dawson Street

and pick up a gentleman, all right?

Of course, darling.

l've been picking up gentlemen since l was 1 7.

lf the orders keep coming in at this rate,

we're gonna need twice the number of cars.

(Rings)

Glamcabs at your service.

Just a minute.

Who's that?

(High-pitched, nasal voice)

This is the switchboard here. Can l help you?

This is Charlie Hawkins,

Speedee Cab Company.

l'd like to have a word with your boss.

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