Carry On Cabby Page #6

Oh, just a minute, Mr Hawkins,

l'll put you through.

(Huskily) Good morning, Mr Hawkins.

Do you require a cab?

No, l do not require a cab. Who's that speaking?

Mrs Glam, of course.

Oh, yes, of course.

Well, Mrs Glam, it's obvious to me that

you don't know much about the cab business,

so l thought l'd just ring you up,

give you a couple of words of friendly advice.

l hate to see anybody lose money.

Oh, l don't think l'll do that, Mr Hawkins,

judging by our business so far today.

Yes, well, first day, flash in the pan, novelty

value and all that, but it won't last, you know.

You see, there's not enough business

for two cab companies in this town.

l agree, Mr Hawkins. You're so right.

Now there's a sensible woman.

l'll tell you what l am prepared to do, Mrs Glam.

l will buy you out.

Oh, that's very sporting of you, Mr Hawkins,

but l think it would be much more to the point

if l took over your old business.

My old business?

Of course, l'd have to scrap a lot of your cabs

and, as for your drivers,

well, you must admit, most of them are past it.

Past it? How dare you!

l'll show you if we're past it.

You want a war, Mrs Glam, you can have it!

Flo, my husband's just declared war.

He'll be sorry. Our troops have got

much better weapons than his.

(Train whistle toots)

Taxi, sir?

Oh, Charlie, come to bed.

How do you expect me to sleep,

with you walking up and down all night?

Sleep? You're not supposed to sleep.

You should be thinking of some way

to help me beat this Glamcab lot.

That? Surely you're not worried by

a lot of silly women.

No, of course l'm not worried by

a lot of silly women,

but if they keep pinching our business,

we'll need that job of yours.

Things that bad?

Well, dear, why don't you sell the business

while you've got the chance?

We could get that little cottage, have some fun.

Never. Never.

l am not going under without a fight.

Well, why do you have to keep fighting?

Why can't you go and see this Mrs Glam

and make up to her, you know?

- Turn on the old charm, eh?

- Yeah.

What a marvellous idea. l love you.

No.

No! l can just imagine what she's like.

l've talked to her on the phone.

l can see her now - some hatchet-faced old hag

with a moustache. A beard, even.

No. l am going to beat them

even if l have to run at a loss.

That's it. That's it.

l'll undercut 'em.

- Morning.

- Oh, good morning, sir.

l want 1 ,000 pamphlets like this printed, please.

Right away.

Shan't be able to do it right away, l'm afraid, sir.

We've got a couple of thousand of these

to do first.

Never mind.

- l've got it, Charlie. Look!

- What's that?

Plastic gas mask holders.

A thousand of 'em. Got 'em cheap.

- What for?

- Well, don't you get it?

We give one of these away free

with every cab journey of five miles or over.

Plastic gas mask holders? That's brilliant.

All we need now is some plastic gas.

Well, it was just an idea, that's all.

Very handy. You can put things in 'em.

WOMAN:
Pick up there at the hospital.

- l've got it. l've got 'em.

- That's it. That's them all right. Well done.

- Wait a minute, l'm not quite tuned in yet.

- What's he trying to get?

- The Glamcabs wavelength.

The idea is that we pick up their signals

and get our blokes there first. Smart, eh?

- There's your tea.

- Ta.

- Where's mine, then?

- Sorry, l don't serve strangers.

Still got her well-trained, l see.

(Phone rings)

Yes? Oh, hello, Sally.

Why? What's happened?

Oh, tuning in to our radios, eh?

Oh, don't worry, l'll fix that.

Thanks for letting me know.

(Radio feedback)

FLO:
Calling Louise. Calling Louise.

Proceed to 20 Chester Road and pick up party.

20 Chester Road and pick up party.

Chester Road. Chester Road.

Here, that's right on the outskirts.

Get 'em to No.20 quick.

Come in, 1-4. Come in 1-4.

(Birdsong)

Anyone home?

Somebody's potty.

Another one coming through, sir.

FLO:
Calling Gladys.

Got a nice long trip for you.

Go to Westford and pick up a party

at 5 Wilbur Place. 5 Wilbur Place.

Westford.

West... That's ten miles away.

Wait a minute. Pintpot's out there,

driving Peggy. Get him onto it.

(Chuckles) We'll show 'em.

Calling Pintpot. Calling Pintpot.

Well, it's obvious, innit?

Somebody has tipped them off

that we're pinching their orders.

Yes. Ooh, there aren't half

some dishonest people about, aren't there?

Yeah, but what can you expect from

a bunch of birds?

From now on, we have got to play it rough.

WOMAN:

Two cups of coffee and two cheese rolls, please.

No more, thank you.

l'll er...have another cup of tea, Molly.

- Trouble, sweetheart?

- l think it's what they call a puncture, darling.

Oh, too bad. Good job you hadn't got a fare.

You mean, it's a good job l had.

The dirty old man.

Oh, excuse me, sir, would you like another cab?

No, thank you, l'm rather enjoying this one.

(Engine backfires)

Broken down, eh? What a shame.

These fancy jobs, you can't rely on 'em.

Can l take you somewhere?

No, thank you. We can manage.

Blimey! They're even carrying their own spares.

l give in.

- Hello, Peg. You're back early.

- Yes.

- Where's Charlie?

- Upstairs with Ted.

ls he mad! Today's just about finished him.

Another few weeks like this

and he'll be out of business.

- Yes, l know.

- Well, you don't seem very happy about it.

l'm not. l wish l'd never started this thing.

How's he gonna feel when he finds out it's me,

his own wife, who ruined him?

- l never thought of that.

- No.

But he's not gonna find out,

because l'm going to tell him - now.

- He won't like it much, Peg.

- Nor will l, but it's got to be done, because...

Well, l've got

another little bit of news for him too.

How'd it be if we changed cabs,

got all new ones?

- lt'd be more to the point if we all changed sex.

- Yeah.

Ooh, those blooming women.

Well, l'm not beaten yet, mate.

Cab driving is the last male stronghold

and l'm gonna defend it to my last penny.

Mm. Well, that won't be long coming,

if you go on at this rate.

Hello, what's this, then?

Home at six? What's happened? Lose your job?

No. As a matter of fact,

that's what l want to tell you about, Charlie.

Yeah, well, if you'll excuse me,

l'll be in the canteen if you want me.

All right. l'll think of something, don't you worry.

You know where we went wrong, don't you?

We should've put all their cabs out of action

before they went on the road.

Charlie...there are two things

l want to tell you about.

They're both going to come as a bit of a shock,

l'm afraid.

That's it.

(Shouts) Ted, get all the boys together.

l've got it. l'll show 'em.

Charlie, will you listen to me, please?

- Yeah, what is it?

- Well, first of all, about these Glamcabs...

We don't have to worry about them any more.

By tomorrow morning, l'll have 'em settled.

Yeah, but you don't have to keep fighting them,

Charlie. That's what l wanted to tell you about.

You don't think l'm just going to sit back

and let 'em take over?

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