Carry On Cabby Page #7

No. We're gonna raid their yard tonight

and put the whole lot out of action.

What? You can't do that, Charlie. That's not fair.

Not fair? Do you call it fair to have

a lot of starry-eyed bints driving cabs,

pinching our fares by showing their legs

and sticking out their big ends?

- Look, will you just shut up for a moment?

- Whose side are you on?

Theirs! What you're gonna do is wrong, Charlie.

Oh, right, so, ''lt's wrong, Charlie.''

And l'm a right Charlie.

Of all the obstinate, pig-headed idiots...

All right. You asked for it.

You're gonna get it.

Well, lads, that's just about it.

Be outside their yard at five-to-twelve, and

remember, no rough stuff and no real damage.

Just enough to put 'em out of action

for a while.

- Won't the the gates be locked?

- Don't worry. Ted'll be in there to let us in.

- How will he get in?

- With a little bit of help from Molly here.

There he is. Get fixed up, Ted?

l told Sally all about it.

She managed to fix me up with a few things.

You ought to see him.

l can't wait. Well, come on, Ted, open up.

Don't be bashful.

(Raucous laughter)

What about your hat?

(Laughter)

CHARLlE:
Cor blimey, it's 'orrible!

Hello, boys.

How do you do?

A cup of tea, Molly, please.

Oh, my dear, l am a clumsy old cow.

l'm sorry. Look, you'd better come in the back.

l'll get that lot dried off for you.

Oh, what a shame.

l hope she hasn't ruined her uniform.

PlNTPOT:
Poor girl.

Well, come on. Get cracking.

Walk like a bird!

Now, remember, once you get inside,

hide yourself until you hear me whistle.

- Ooh!

- What's the matter?

You'd know if you had elastic pants on.

lt's like sitting in a catapult.

Well, take off. Go on. Go on!

They say they're all the same in the dark.

l wouldn't take a chance. Blimey!

There he is. Just look at him, the big gump!

Did he really think we'd fall for that?

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

- All right, Flo. You know what to do.

- Not half. He'll be sorry he ever came.

Just a minute, girls. We want to get

all those uniforms pressed tonight,

so off to the locker room and get out of 'em.

Come along, dear.

(High-pitched voice) Watch it.

Come on. Off with 'em, quick as you can.

Come along, dear. Hurry up.

(Softly) Phwoar!

Darling... Darling, this thing's killing me.

Could you unhook it for me?

(Laughter)

(Whispers) Come on. Come on.

- (Whispers) We're all ready for 'em.

- Good. Shouldn't be long now.

- (Whistling)

- That sounds like them. Quick, come inside.

(Whistling)

(Charlie chuckles)

(Horns honk)

CHARLlE:
Come on. This way.

Come on. Over that way.

Hey! Turn it off! Turn it off!

(Giggles)

Come on! Come on!

Turn it off!

Come on, quick! Quick, lads, get out!

- There must be some other way.

- No, mate. We're licked. lt's the only thing to do.

Like we used to say in the army,

if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

lt would have been all right last night

if some rotten so-and-so hadn't tipped 'em off.

lt's no good worrying about that now.

l've got to do it.

l have got to see this Mrs Glam

and arrange a merger.

Hang on. l've seen that face before.

So they've got you working for 'em, have they?

Where's the boss, Flo?

ln the office over there.

Bye, then. l'll drop by this evening

and tell you how things are.

- Sally!

- So that's how they found out about last night.

- You viper in the bosom, you...

- Now, Ted, listen, it wasn't just me.

- Charlie...

- Don't you Charlie me.

As far as l'm concerned,

you can make that two bosoms.

- Oh, no, Charlie, don't go in there.

- Get out of the way! Come on.

You!

l... So that's it!

Gawd, blimey, what a mug l've been.

Charlie, please, l know what you're thinking.

Good, then it saves me telling you, doesn't it,

Mrs Glam.

This is ridiculous, your having to sleep here.

Why won't you come up to my place?

We've got a spare room.

No, thanks all the same, Sal, but it's handy here

and Charlie knows where to find me

when he wants me.

lf he wants you. lt's been a month now.

Three weeks...four days.

Well, l hope you haven't been trying

to phone again. lt's up to him to do the asking.

- He closed the door on you.

- lt was my fault though.

- How is he?

- How should l know?

Well, l thought you might have seen Ted.

No, l haven't. Not since that day.

Funny how l miss him though...

pig-headed little runt.

l know. l feel the same about Charlie,

the obstinate old...

Well, they're not worth crying over,

and you've got a business to run.

lt's Friday and you've got to be at the bank

at 1 0:
30 as usual.

Charlie, where the hell have you been all night?

Seeing my friend here off.

- Why?

- There's been murder going on here.

l mean, half the chaps want to quit

because there isn't enough work.

Let 'em.

There's all these bills, too.

Send 'em back.

Oh, Charlie, you can't go on drinking like this.

Can't l? See...

- Here! What do you think you're...

- That's right. Cut the chatter and start driving.

- ls this a hold-up?

- No, we're all going on a picnic. Now shut up!

Here, you, get the cash!

No, let them have it, Sal.

lf this is a hold-up, where are we going?

MAN:
You'll find out. Just follow directions.

Turn left at the end here.

PEGGY:
lnto Dale Road, you mean?

Turn left into Dale Road.

Yeah, now shut up, will you?

Hardly worth your bothering about.

There's only 800 in those cash bags.

- Will you switch that bloomin' thing off, Sarge?

- No, that's Peg's voice.

MAN:
Just keep quiet and drive,

unless you want an extra hole in your ear.

SALLY:
Big hero. You've got the cash,

why not let me and Mrs Hawkins go?

MAN:
So you can run to the police?

- Sally!

MAN:
We've got other plans for you two.

- That's Peg and Sal. They're in danger.

- That's a hold-up.

- Shut up a minute. Let's listen.

- Left at the junction here.

- Turn left at the next junction.

That takes us into Rigby Road.

- We'll be going east.

- What is this?

What's the running commentary for

all the time, eh?

- Oh, wait a minute.

- This is a hold-up - Glamcab No.1 9.

Call the police!

(Static)

She's gone. l've lost her.

Well, don't just sit there. Get her again.

- Wait a minute. Here's something...

- (Feedback)

Hello, this is Pintpot

and l've got a leak in my sump.

You'll have one in your head

if you don't get off this blooming air.

Hello! Calling all Speedee Cabs!

All Speedee Cabs, now listen, and listen good.

ls there anybody near

the east end of Rigby Road? Over.

l'm not far from it, guv'nor.

Len, good lad. l want you to go to the east end

of Rigby Road and block it. Understand?

Yeah but, Mr Hawkins,

l've got a couple of smoochers in the back

and they asked me to take my time.

Oh, blimey, they won't know the difference.

- Go on, get cracking.

- l'll get the police.

'Ere, what's that damn fool doing?

Use your horn. Use your horn.

- (Horn honks)

- Turn round. Turn round quick.

Hello? Hello, Mr Hawkins? lt's Len here.

They've turned around and they're going back

up Rigby Road. They've turned off left.

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