Carry on Camping

...and in spite of all she'd heard,

Sally was quite unprepared for the sight

that met her eyes,

as she looked out of her tent

on this first morning in Paradise Camp.

Everywhere she looked, happy campers

went about their everyday tasks

unencumbered by clothing,

unembarrassed and unashamed.

So this was paradise!

How beautiful it seemed to her.

How unlike her past holidays in Bournemouth.

Suddenly, Sally's shyness

and natural timidity vanished,

and forgetting all about

her strict convent training,

she stepped out from her tent,

as naked and free as nature intended.

- Cor!

- That's quite enough of that, thank you.

- What's the matter?

- You told us this film was about camping.

- It is. Those are tents, aren't they?

- Not what you're looking at.

If you're going on a camping holiday,

it makes sense to find out what it's all about.

A fat lot you're going to learn from this!

I'm making a mental note of all the equipment

they've got.

Yes, especially hers.

Sh!

Setting out to explore paradise,

Sally's first stop was at the tennis court,

where four sun-bronzed campers

were playing a mixed doubles.

(Cackles)

Oh, gorblimey!

You won't see nothing like that at Wimbledon -

open or not.

If one of those men turn round,

I'm walking straight out of here.

What's the matter, Anth? Don't you like tennis?

I feel sick.

I don't blame her.

Honestly, I don't know where to look.

I do. (Cackles)

Close your eyes

and I'll tell you when to open them.

I don't want to close my eyes. I just want to go.

I know just how she feels.

It's disgusting, that's what it is, disgusting!

What are you talking about? It's artistic.

- Artistic?

- Certainly.

With all those big bottoms bobbling about

all over the screen?

You wouldn't think anything of it

if we walked round like that all the time,

free, unfettered, unashamed.

Oh, no? I suppose you'd rather be sat here

all stark naked?

- It wouldn't bother me.

- It would if your ice lolly fell in your lap.

You're a prude.

If you don't mind, we're trying to hear back here.

Sorry, mate, if I'd known that

I'd have spoken a bit louder. (Cackles)

In another part of the camp

a party of carefree young people

were just starting off on a bicycle ride.

Hey, look, Anth! That fair girl at the end,

she's got a saddle just like mine.

Ooh!

That's being unfettered.

They don't bother with trouser clips.

While in front of the canteen,

a group of men were benefiting from a PT class,

rhythmically bending over to touch their toes.

Oh, dear!

Oh, my God!

That does it. Anthea was right.

We should have gone to The Sound Of Music.

- You've seen that before.

- I've seen that before, too.

- Sh!

- Oh, shut up!

Come on, Anthea. Are you coming as well?

- Wait a minute. Let's see the end.

- I've seen enough ends already. Come on.

I suppose we'd better go with 'em, Sid.

Excuse me.

It makes you sick.

They just don't appreciate culture.

And so to the swimming pool,

where all the prettiest young girls

were disporting themselves.

Ah!

Hello, darling.

- Oh, no.

- Hello, Peter. I'm checking on the camping gear.

So I see.

Had a good day?

Oh, not bad.

Got drunk at lunch time, then went to a strip

club, then finished off in bed with a popsy.

Ah, look, there's a hole in this tent flap.

Yes, the goat ate its way in last year.

Oh, yes, I remember. He was after your bedding.

Yes, that's right. He even left a deposit on it.

(Annoying high-pitched laugh)

Oh, poor Peter! We had a good laugh

about that, though, didn't we?

Yes, you did, didn't you?

That's what I love about camping.

Such fun, always.

Did you have a good day?

Not bad, no, no.

A chap came into the office

with a pound of opium

and we smoked it

and we spent the afternoon in a harem.

I've been thinking,

we ought to try Devon again this year.

We had such a marvellous time there last time.

I've been thinking, too, darling.

That marvellous little camping site

near Stoats Hollow.

- Do you remember?

- Harriet, please listen to me.

I am listening. What a funny thing to say.

I've been thinking about this holiday,

and I was wondering if possibly, just once,

w- w-we might go abroad somewhere.

Abroad?

Camping?

Oh, nothing so luxurious as that.

I thought we might...

we might rough it in some four-star hotel.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

You wouldn't like that.

Sleeping in strange beds, eating oily food.

and using all those peculiar toilets.

The toilets we have to dig out at camp

aren't exactly the last word.

Oh, but they're all ours.

Yes, well, it's just that

I think I may be getting too old for it.

(Laughs)

Oh, don't be silly, Peter!

You mark my words, you'll die under canvas.

That's what I'm afraid of.

No. You always enjoy your camping holiday

and you're going to have one.

You're tired.

Perhaps you had a bad day at the office?

No. No, no, no, no.

I met this chap who'd just come back

from camping in Scotland

and his wife was ravished by a wild haggis

and now they're expecting a little f*ggot.

Oh!

Yes?

We mustn't forget to take

a good supply of toilet paper this time.

You know what happened last year.

Yes, we had nothing to write to your mother on.

No! No, sir, you mustn't!

If you keep on doing that you'll...

Oh!

Please, sir!

Oh, hello.

Miss Dobbin,

what on earth is the meaning of this?

I'm sorry, Mr Short.

The gentleman kept touching things.

That's quite right. You see I've been bursting

to know what it's like inside a tent.

I see. All right, Miss Dobbin,

I'll attend to this customer.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Splendid girl, and so helpful.

Do you know, she's been showing me

how to stick the pole up!

- Quite.

(Cash register rings)

I take it you're interested in

purchasing equipment?

Oh, rather!

I've always been interested in camping.

But since I've never done it before,

I thought I'd go to the very best place for advice.

Quite so, sir, so you came here.

Well, yes, you see,

the best shop was closed.

I assure you, we supply everything essential

for a really successful camping holiday.

Oh, but I need everything!

Are you going alone, sir?

Why? Do you supply that, too?

This way, sir, please.

- Yes, of course.

(Cash register pings)

- Sid, let's get back to work.

- Oh, come on!

We're only going to ask

where this Paradise Camp is.

But they'll know it's nudist

and it'll be embarrassing.

What are you talking about?

Like going into a chemist's for something, finding

a girl serving, and coming out with toothpaste.

I wondered what you were doing

with all those tubes in your cupboard.

No. It's not that. Besides, you'll never get

Joan and Anth to go to a place like that.

- How long have we been taking them out?

- About three months.

- And where's it got us?

- I've kissed Anth.

- What did that lead to? She was sick.

- Because I'd been eating pickled onions.

We're lumbered with two birds with prohibitions.

You mean "inhibitions".

I mean "prohibitions". They just won't allow us.

All the same,

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