Carry on Camping Page #2

you can't take them to a place like that.

If we can get those two birds to Paradise Camp,

all that freedom, back to nature,

do you think they can keep on holding out?

Never.

- How will you get 'em to go there?

- Don't tell 'em. Come on.

No. Hold on a minute.

I can't go to a nudist place.

- Why not? Other people do.

- Maybe, but not people like us.

Have we got three legs or something?

It's not that.

- When I'm on holiday, I like to relax.

- So?

And when I relax,

I like to put my hands in my pockets.

You can relax with your hands behind

your back. Prince Philip does all right.

- Not with nothing on, he doesn't.

- How do you know?

You make it sound like it was something

shameful to go into a nudist camp.

It's the most healthy,

natural thing in the world.

Can I help you, sir?

Yes, as a matter of fact,

my mate and I were wondering if you could...

Yes?

Well, we were looking for...

Yes?

Er, a tube of toothpaste, please.

We don't sell toothpaste, sir.

Aspirins?

I'll take one of these, then.

See?

Here! That's it!

That's it! (Cackles)

Come on.

(Screaming and yelling)

Go on, hit her!

Go on!

I'll teach you to call me a cow, you old b*tch!

Look out, the Head's coming!

Oh!

(Crash)

Stand up, girls.

Good evening, Miss Haggard.

Carry on, girls.

(Shouting and screaming)

Come in.

Ah, Matron, what can I do for you?

I'm sorry to trouble you, Dr Soaper,

but I've been thinking about this camping trip

for the girls that remain with us

during the holidays.

What about it?

I was wondering

whether it really was such a good idea.

Perhaps you're forgetting, it was my idea.

Oh, no, no. And, of course,

it is an absolutely splendid one.

- But...

- But what?

Well, I was wondering whether

perhaps they might find it a trifle spartan.

I mean, their being such delicate

and refined girls.

(Yelling)

(Whistles)

Ooh-ooh! Usual place, boys, in five minutes.

The point I'm really trying to make is that here

I can keep full control over them,

but, outside, anything might happen.

You seem to be forgetting, Miss Haggard,

you're coming with us.

Surely you and I together

can keep suitable control?

Well, I was thinking about the girls.

So am I.

Oh. But don't you see?

It raises the problem of sex.

I assure you, Matron,

I wouldn't dream of bothering you in that way.

I meant, with the girls.

They're liable to come into contact with boys.

Oh, yes, but I don't think that'll be a problem.

It's been my experience that once young people

sample the delights of country life

and the wonders of nature,

oh, they just can't get enough of it.

- Exactly.

- I was thinking of the girls.

- So was I.

- Exactly.

Well, I do hope you're right, Dr Soaper.

Oh, yes, yes, I assure you, Matron.

But I take the point you made earlier.

Yes, these girls have led very sheltered lives.

They don't even know what boys are.

I suggest you give them a little talk

on the subject. Nothing too frightening.

Just stick to the birds and the bees,

with a possible reference to

the behaviour of monkeys.

- Well, I'll try, Dr Soaper.

- Good. Good.

And if any of them feel any unnatural urges,

or the desire to do something they shouldn't,

send them straight to me.

- You?

- Yes.

- Well, I was thinking about the girls.

- So was I.

Oh, you're not wearing that!

- What?

- That hat.

Oh, sorry, dear. Force of habit.

Ah, that's the ticket.

Come on. Let's get our packs on.

And off we go!

There. How do I look?

Like an old mailbag filled with unwanted parcels.

- Splendid. Shall I drive?

- Why not? You always do.

Good. Come on. Let's go.

(Car engine turns over)

(Car starts)

Don't forget, not a word to the girls

about where we're going. It's a mystery holiday.

- They'll find out the minute we get there.

- It'll be too late by then.

We must just act as surprised as they are.

I won't need to act.

- Sid...

- Yes?

Will we have to take all our clothes off?

Can't we keep something on?

Don't worry. I've thought of that.

Ha-ha-ha.

Go on. Finish it up. You're not going anywhere

without a good breakfast inside you.

- I am finishing it up, Mum.

- More bacon and tomatoes, Anthea?

No, thank you, Mrs Fussey,

I had coffee and toast before I left home.

You won't get a proper lunch,

not if I know those two.

They're only after one thing, they are.

For heaven's sake, Mum,

we know how to look after ourselves.

Oh, yes? 33 and still not married.

If that's not taking care of yourself,

I don't know what is.

I'm playing hard to get with Sid.

(Splutters)

- What's the matter with you?

- I choked.

You saved me the trouble.

The way you talk,

you'd think I didn't want to get married.

I know what you want...

I also know what Sid wants.

What's that?

Since you asked me to put it into words,

he wants to eat his cake and have it.

And he's going the right way about it,

taking you on a camping holiday.

Look, Mum, I know Sid's been around,

but he's not going to find me easy meat.

Me neither.

Well, you're not even meat.

Bernie's nice, though.

He is if you get him away from that Sid.

- He's a bad influence on him, if you ask me.

- We aren't.

I think you're making it too easy for them

going camping.

I wish you wouldn't treat Sid

as if you hated his guts.

But I do. That's just it, I do.

I know. And you're not making it

any easier for me, either.

It's all going to be quite proper and above board,

I can assure you.

Sid's got two tents for us.

Yes, and I know what happens to people

once they get in them.

I went with your father once

and he went berserk.

After that experience,

I'd never have married him... if I hadn't had to.

- Oh, do shut up, Mum.

(Doorbell rings)

Oh, here they are.

- All set?

- Yes. Give us a hand with the luggage, will you?

- Anthea get here OK?

- Yes, she's just finished breakfast.

Morning, Mrs Fussey.

- Hello.

- Hello.

- Blimey, we're not emigrating, you know.

- Oh, it's only clothes.

Oh, you won't need clothes where we're going.

(Mouths)

What do you mean, we won't need clothes?

He means, you won't need a lot of clothes.

Just a pair of shorts, swimsuit...

Oh, no. I'm not having her go without

plenty of woollies. Not with her funny kidneys.

Oh, Mum, there's nothing wrong

with my kidneys.

You know a chill goes straight to 'em.

Just like your father.

- Always on the trot, he was.

- Oh, give over, for heaven's sake!

They can run around half-naked,

but you're keeping woollies

next to your essentials and that's final.

All right, Mrs Fussey, we'll get it all on somehow.

I'm sorry if I've brought too much,

but I have to keep covered up in the sun.

That's right. Anthea's got a funny skin.

Get away!

What with her funny skin and Joan's funny

kidneys, it's going to be a hilarious holiday.

- If she can't take her clothes off in the sun...

- Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

And don't go drinking none of that well water.

You never know what people have done

down wells.

Yes, all right, Mum.

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