Carry on Camping Page #3

And go easy on the tinned food. You don't want

any trouble, not with your funny tummy.

Funny tummy, too? You ought to be on the telly.

- She can't help having sensitive parts.

- For goodness' sake, can't we get going?

Nearly ready. You get in.

- Anthea, have you taken your tablet?

- Yes.

- Tablet?

- Yes, Anthea gets carsick.

What? A big, strong, healthy girl like her? Never!

Come on, then.

And don't forget, if you have to use any strange

whatsits, put plenty of paper down first.

Oh, isn't it awful?

- Come on, let's get cracking.

- That should hold all right.

Yeah, that's it. Ta-ta, Mrs Fussey.

- Just a minute.

- Yes?

I just wanted to warn you, I don't want to hear of

any unnecessariness when my Joan gets back.

- Unnecessariness?

- You know what I mean.

What makes you think that's unnecessary?

It's no laughing matter.

They might think your intentions are honourable,

but I've got sore misgivings.

You want to put some talcum powder on 'em.

Very funny.

You stick to your own tents.

Oh, Mum, really!

It's not as if she's got a ring on her finger.

She hasn't got one through her nose, either.

Oh, come on.

Let's get going, for goodness' sake!

Oh, my Gawd!

Three large tents for the girls, one for me,

one for Miss Haggard, and bunks and bedding...

All the bunks and bedding in here.

(Wolf whistle)

Get a load of that! Whoa-ho!

Good morning, Dr Soaper. Are we all loaded?

Not 'alf!

- Oh, is that our driver?

- Yes. Mr Tanner.

You can call me Jim.

Hello, Jim.

Are you going to stay with us all the time?

Oh, yeah. I go all the way.

Ooh, I bet you do.

That'll do. All right, girls, get in the coach.

You get on with the loading.

Barbara, dear, do you think

you're quite suitably dressed for travelling?

But, sir, we were told to bring

the minimum of clothing.

Yes, but in your luggage, not on your person.

Oh, it's all right.

I've got a minimum in my luggage, too.

So I see, but I don't think it's proper

for a young lady to show her legs to that extent.

- What extent?

- They go up too far.

My legs? They only go up to my...

- To your shorts!

- Oh, yes.

Quite a rear-wheel drive, eh?

Yes, fascinating the way it...

What? Absolutely disgusting!

I can't think what Matron had in mind

when she allowed it.

I shall certainly speak to her when...

- Good morning, Dr Soaper.

- Miss Haggard, I really must protest...

Something wrong, Dr Soaper?

Ah, no, Matron, nothing. Nothing at all.

How are you feeling now, Anth? Better?

- Yeah.

- That's it.

You should never have had

those bacon and tomatoes for breakfast.

- Oh...

- Oh, look, now you've done it.

Me? What have I done?

Why did you have to bring up

bacon and tomatoes again?

- I didn't. She did.

- Oh, dear.

I'm not stopping again.

Don't be so heartless.

She can't help feeling sick.

She's always like this on long distances.

Long distances? She was off before

we reached the end of your road.

You'd better do something quick.

- A paper bag. That's the answer.

- I know, put it over her head.

- Try those.

- She'll never get it in that.

It's to sniff at, you fool. Smelling salts.

- Quick!

- Cor!

Great smelling salts, that! What is it?

Essence of bacon and tomato?

(Retches)

Oh, Sid, it's no good. We'll have to find a place.

We're in the bloomin' country.

There aren't any places.

Well, she'll have to go behind a hedge.

Stop the car.

Oh...

# Da-da, da

# Da-da-da-da

(High-pitched laugh)

I say, look what's in front of you!

I am looking.

(Screeches)

What a ghastly sight!

You can say that again.

Keep off the road! Keep off the road!

Why? What have you done, madam?

(Cowbell rings)

- Hello.

- Hello.

I wonder if you could help me.

Am I on the right road to Salisbury?

Yes, but it's quicker if you go through the fence

and cross the plain.

Oh, thank you very much.

What's a nice girl like you

doing with an old cow?

- I'm taking her to the bull.

- Oh. Couldn't your father do that?

No, it has to be the bull.

It has to be the...

All right, now pay attention, girls.

Owing to our rather prolonged stay

at Stonehenge,

I've arranged for us to stay the night at a hostel,

and then go on to the camp site

tomorrow morning.

Any questions?

Go on, Babs, I dare you.

Yes, please, Dr Soaper.

What is it, Barbara, dear?

Please, sir, at Stonehenge,

I heard an American gentleman say

that all those stones were to do with

fertility rites.

What are they?

Ah, fertility rites, yes.

Well, that's easily explained, my dear.

You see, in those days,

there were very few cattle and horses about,

and men had to purchase the right

to gather the fertiliser,

hence the term "fertility rites".

Oh, I see.

Aren't I silly? I thought

it was something to do with having babies.

Now, rest period.

A fine talk you must have given them

on the birds and the bees!

Well, I'm sorry, Doctor,

but when I started talking about them,

I suddenly realised

I hadn't the foggiest idea what they did.

Well, what do they do?

Bees sting! Psst!

We'll have a quick nosh-up,

then we'll get the tent up.

I think this is a lousy spot to pick.

Perfect, isn't it?

Just smell that air!

- Ah!

- Something up?

Oh, just a thistle, that's all.

Oh, poor Peter, you're always in trouble.

Here, have a hard-boiled egg to get on with.

Oh, isn't this wonderful?

So much better than dirty, stuffy old London.

Funny thing about dirty, stuffy old London,

I can walk for miles without ever getting bitten,

stung or stepping into something.

That's more than I can say for the country.

(High-pitched laugh)

- (Mooing)

- What was that?

Only a cow. Look, it's over there.

Are you absolutely sure that's a cow?

Of course I'm sure. I should know,

lused to milk them when I was little.

I wouldn't try milking that one.

It's only got one tap.

(Mooing)

Oh, yes, I believe that is a bull. Fancy that!

No, I don't. Not in the least.

You don't have to worry about them.

They only go for something red.

(Mooing)

- Ooh.

- Perhaps we'd better move.

I'll open the gate. You bring the things.

Come on.

(Hooves approach at speed)

Hurry, Peter!

Hurry!

Ah!

Oh!

Peter!

Peter, darling!

Are you all right?

Fine. Fine.

Would you pass the salt, please?

Peter! Peter!

Oh!

Look, you said we'd be there by five.

It's nearly six!

I was reckoning without your friend

Miss Throw-Up 1969.

According to the map, we should be quite close.

Close to what? Where are we heading for?

- Paradi...

- Joan!

Coming!

(Gunfire)

(Mortar whistles)

I knew I shouldn't have eaten those radishes.

(Laughs)

I say, Peter, do you remember,

we stayed overnight in this spot before?

When I got bitten in the middle of the night.

That's right. By a mosquito, wasn't it?

Well, it wasn't you.

They always seem to fancy you.

What you need is a repellent.

Thanks. I married one.

We could do with some milk.

There's a farm round here

where we got some before.

- Where I got some before.

- No, I'm wrong.

I remember, you went by yourself

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