Carry on Camping Page #4

and on the way back you fell into a silage pit.

(She laughs hysterically)

Oh, we have had some fun, haven't we?

Yeah.

I'll get the milk.

- Yes?

- Hello. I've had a spot of bother with my tent

and I wondered whether

you could let me have a room for the night.

Did you? I suppose you want me to say, "Yes,

but you'll have to share it with my daughter"?

I expect you've heard that one

about the traveller,

- who stopped at the...

- I've not only heard it, I've had it! Come in here!

Here, girl. Is this the one as is responsible?

What? That? You must be joking.

Have you ever been with my daughter before?

Actually, no. But if the offer still holds...

Never mind! Just get out

- and don't come back.

- OK, I'm sorry to have knocked you up.

Is that meant to be funny?

No, why?

Because it was a tramp like you

that got her into trouble.

- Oh, you don't say! Nothing serious, I hope?

- Get out!

Get out!

Unless you want my twelve-bore

up your backside.

Father, you can't go on attacking every man

that comes here.

Just give me his name.

That's all I want out of you, his name.

I can't. I never knew his name.

All that money I spent on a posh education,

trying to make a lady out of you,

and you haven't even got the manners to ask,

"With who am I having the pleasure?"

Good evening, sir.

- I was wondering if I could have some milk?

- Milk, is it?

Yes. I came here once before, you know.

Oh, you did, eh?

Yes, but you weren't here, though.

Just a young lady, and she gave me a bit.

Oh, she did, did she?

Yes. And it was very nice, too.

That's why I've come back for some more.

By gum, you've got a nerve!

Oh, don't misunderstand me, please.

I'm quite willing to pay for it this time.

I'll kill you!

(Gunshot)

Ha, bull's-eye!

# Da-da-da

# Da-da-da...

Peter, what's the matter with you?

Nothing. Why?

I've been shot in the backside, that's all.

You've, er... What?

Shot.

- Where?

- In the backside.

Much?

Have a look, will you?

It must be around here somewhere.

Look, why don't we just stop anywhere

and put the tents up?

You can't just stop anywhere.

You've got to have proper facilities.

We've managed without facilities all day.

How's queasy chops?

She's having a whale of a time.

You've only to look at her to see that.

He only asked.

Look!

- That's it.

- Paradise? Where have I heard that before?

It must have been in church.

No, it wasn't that. Oh, is this the special place

you've been looking for?

- That's right.

- No, nothing special. But we'll try it if you like.

- But, Sid, this is the place...

- Don't be so selfish, Bernie.

Think of the poor girls.

They've had enough for one day.

We'll take a chance, shall we?

- Are you the owner of this site?

- No.

- Where is he?

- Gone for a pee.

Here he comes now.

SID:
Excuse me.

Yes. Can I help you?

Yes. We'd like to camp here.

Who do we have to see?

Me. I'm the owner. Josh Fiddler.

Oh, how do you do, Mr Fiddler?

- I'm Boggle. This is Mr Lugg.

- Hello.

- You're not members, then?

- Do you have to be members?

I'm afraid so. I'm trying to keep this place select.

It's not like some of these camp sites,

it's more what you might call a showplace.

We know all about that, don't we?

How much is it to be a member, then?

- A pound.

- A pound. All right, then.

Per person.

Each? But there's four of us.

Bernie, it's all right.

We don't want to argue with Mr Fiddler.

Two, three, four.

That's correct.

- Now, then, gentlemen, your members' cards.

- Thank you. Shall we go, then?

- Any time you want to book in, show them.

- But we want to come in now.

Now? But you haven't booked, have you?

Booked? Don't tell me you're full up.

Well, I might be able to squeeze you in,

but you should have paid the booking fee.

Booking fee. Which is?

- A pound.

- A pound.

Per tent.

Two tents, two pounds.

- Now can we come in?

- As soon as you've paid the rent.

- Rent?

- In advance.

But you've had six quid out of us already!

Bernie. It's all right, Bernie.

- What about the rent, then, Mr Fiddler?

- Well, um, my usual charge per week...

- Yes, yes, which is?

- A pound.

A pound. I knew it.

Per tent?

Or per person. Whichever's the greater.

I don't know if anybody ever told you,

- but your name certainly suits you.

- Thank you.

Now can we come in?

- Well, there is just one more thing.

- What?

Welcome to Paradise.

Bernie, we're in.

- Do we strip off now?

- Eh?

- Do we take our clothes off now?

- Oh, no, there's no hurry for that.

Let's have a good look round first,

see what the form is.

But if they're stripped off and we go in

fully dressed, everybody will stare.

Sh! We can't start now. They'll get suspicious.

We're lucky. We managed to get in.

Then you can just turn round

and manage to get out again.

- What are you talking about?

- You heard me, you filthy beast.

Filthy beast? What have I done now?

Look, don't you come the innocent with me,

Sid Boggle.

It's a good job Anthea woke up.

She remembers Paradise.

It was in that disgusting film you took us to see.

Oh, is that what that camp was called?

There's a coincidence, eh, Bern?

Yeah.

- I want to go home.

- Don't worry, dear. We're going.

We're not staying here

to flaunt our persons in public.

It has cost us ten nicker to get in here,

and in we are going.

Don't look, Anthea!

Oh, it's all right, Anthea, you can look.

It's really rather nice.

Oh, yes, it's lovely.

Come on. Let's get out

and put the tents up, shall we?

You stay where you are.

We're not stopping in this lousy dump.

What?

- Is this it, then?

- Ah, yes.

Ablutions hut, toilet hut, camp shop.

It doesn't seem very full, does it?

You're lucky. I had a couple of cancellations.

That's why I was able to squeeze you in.

Well, before you start squeezing,

why are these people all sitting around

with their clothes on?

Well, it's a camp rule.

"All visitors will be respectfully dressed

- at all times."

- At all times?

Of course. I can't have people

walking round here naked.

I've got my hens to think of.

It doesn't take much to put them off their laying.

And it doesn't take much to put me off mine.

We've come to the wrong place.

We can't stay here.

- Please yourself.

- So if you'll just give me the money...

I'm very sorry. It's a camp rule.

No monies returnable.

If you don't give me it...

- What's all the fuss?

- I was just saying you girls don't want to stay.

That was before we saw it. It's lovely.

Yes. Lovely.

That's all right, then, isn't it?

Yes. Lovely.

(Thunder cracks)

I wouldn't take too long putting your tents up.

It wouldn't surprise me

if we didn't have some rain.

You had to open your big mouth!

Oh!

You two get in the car

and me and Sid'll put them up.

(Thunder cracks)

Hurry up, girls. Come along now.

Pick up your luggage.

Well, here we are, girls.

Welcome to Balsworth Youth Hostel.

Corridor E. Rooms 15 to 22.

All the girls will have to share.

Not you, of course, Matron.

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