Carry on Cruising Page #2

Do you want the whole ship

to know you're seasick?

Doctor, you must do something.

l mean, what a start,

if the cook can't cook

cos the quack can't cure him!

l'll cure him or kill him. Ooh!

All right, come here.

- No, let me see the sea, please.

- All right, have a look at the sea, then.

(Sighs)

- l hesitate to interfere...

- Go on hesitating.

l was going to suggest a traditional cure

for mal de mer.

l don't happen to be treating a mare.

Excuse me.

- Here, cooky.

- Thanks, cocky. l mean docky.

That'll soothe your nerves.

Water, nurse. l mean Marjoribanks.

Was that the kill or the cure? (Laughs raucously)

This happens to be the first of three stages.

(lmitates laugh)

Three stages?

l'm all right now! Ooph!

These tablets will counteract the somnolent

effect of the mixture and give you energy.

Now er...just a little shot er...to um...

increase the value of both treatments.

- Roll up the sleeves.

- No, thanks.

l can't bear to see the needle going in.

Oh. Well, there's only one other place

available. (Chuckles) Drop 'em.

- l'm not holding 'em, whatever they are.

- l rather fancy the Doctor means your trousers.

Oh, my trousers... My what? Never!

- lf you want promotion to this new liner...

- Say no more.

Argh!

(Cook screams)

What's the matter, Steward, not feeling well?

Oh, no, sir. No, l'm all right. lt's... lt's just, well...

l-l'm new to this sort of thing and er...

l'm afraid of making a mistake.

Well, you don't want to be afraid.

All you need to be a good steward is tact.

l'll give you an example.

A steward l knew walked in on a lady

standing in her bath.

Took one look at her,

he said, ''Excuse me, sir'' and left.

Tact, see?

Hey, that's dead clever, innit?

l'll remember that.

- Thank you, sir.

- Right, go on, then.

Hello, hello.

And which of you two fellas takes sugar?

Get out.

Morning. Hope you slept well.

Clot!

(Chuckles) Quite an energetic game, what?

Bye.

Ooh! Ooh, my knee!

Bye. See you again.

Bye.

- That's it, Flo, you've clicked.

- With that? Thank you!

Oh, don't be like that. l think he's rather nice.

Then you have him.

- l'm on this cruise to get a rest from men.

- Bighead.

Bighead?

Oh, no, really,

l think you ought to give him a chance.

He seems kind of...helpless.

Helplessness is the last thing l am looking for.

(Wheezes and coughs)

(Gasps)

Mad, impulsive fool!

- Er...working on the omelette, eh? (Tuts)

- Something wrong, chief?

Oh, no, no, no. l've never seen eggs cracked

more conscientiously. Or slowly.

Speed, man! Speed is the essence.

Do it the Haines way.

Lift...and drop.

Now you just strain through with a sieve.

- Get me the First Officer.

(Knock)

Come in.

- What delayed you?

- l'm terribly sorry, sir.

Overslept, Mr er... Mr er...

Sea air, sir. l always find the first few days

makes me feel quite drowsy.

- Shut your porthole.

- Begging your pardon, sir, one must have...

And your cakehole. Stop fidgeting.

- Paperwork. Not my favourite occupation.

- Nor mine.

- lt's going to be, from now on.

- Oh, charming.

Health report, doc report, crew report,

food report, log report, sports report,

diesel, oil and fuel report.

# And a partridge in a pear tree

(Laughs)

- Omelettes all prepared, chief.

- Excellent.

That was a timesaver.

ln a matter of minutes, 1 200 eggs.

1 200 e...

- You should have seen 'em sliding through

the sieve - slurp, slurp, slurp.

- Slurp!

- What can l do now, chief?

Out of my way! They're wearing off!

My pills! They're wearing off!

lNSTRUCTOR:
Heels together.

Hands extended above the head.

lNSTRUCTOR:
And...bend.

- Three.

- Mmm!

And lower. Heels together. Hips firm.

Doctor! Doctor! Doc...

The mixture. Where...

Urgh!

That's better.

The pills!

Pills...

Different colour. Hm... Same shape.

One...two...

lt's all right, l left it in the cabin.

Wow!

Her-cu-les!

l saw him first.

- l thought you wanted a rest from men.

- ln his case, l'll make an exception.

You promised you'd help me find a husband

on this cruise.

From now on, my motto is: help yourself.

You could do the same.

- Dr Binn's obviously interested in you.

- Hmph!

That's all for today, girls. Dismissed.

- l will follow my heart, Florence Castle.

- Then this is war, Gladys Trimble.

- Right!

- Right!

Excuse me, ladies.

l shall be taking coffee alone, Miss Castle.

l do not say l hope it chokes you, Miss Trimble,

l merely gloat over the possibility.

(They chuckle insincerely)

Ho-ho-ho and a bottle of rum.

(Chuckles) We meet again, what?

Would you like to er...

poop up on the pop deck with me?

Doctor, do me a favour.

Operate somewhere else.

- How many have you taken?

- Three.

- Three?

- Yeah, why not?

They're my last-resort pills.

For bringing people out of a coma.

Yeah, well, l wish l could come to a full stop!

- l'll have to give you an injection.

- Not again!

Come back!

(Haines screams)

Ooh!

Well? What's this conference all about, then?

Now, gentlemen,

to this captain, we are new faces.

And as such, our every word, our every action,

is subject to infinitesimal scrutiny.

He means the Captain's

got his beady eye on us.

- Oh, yes.

- Precisely.

Now, gentlemen, l take it we all yearn to serve

on this new Atlantic liner?

ALL:
Oh, yes! Of course!

- Good. Good.

The mind of the Captain works in a strange way.

Let one newcomer make an error,

or commit an indiscretion, or...

Drop a clanger, lads.

..and all newcomers

are tarred with the same brush.

And prejudiced this may be,

but fact it undoubtedly is.

Have l your agreement

for a policy of unremitting

quasi-Teutonic organisational perfectionism?

He means fingers out.

So, heave-to, gentlemen.

Our first major opportunity to impress is now.

Tonight!

- Good evening, Captain.

- Hello, Miss Castle.

- Enjoying yourself?

- Yes, thank you.

Ah, Mr Jenkins, l'd like you to meet Mrs Lewis.

Hello, Miss Castle.

Good evening, Miss Trimble. Enjoying yourself?

Very much, thank you.

- He's over there.

- Thank you.

(Sighs)

(Slurred) Have one with me, old chap.

lt's all free.

Yeah. l think l could do with it.

- Love, eh?

- Yeah.

- Well, how did you know?

- That's why l drink.

To forget her.

- Forget who?

- Blessed if l can remember.

Good evening.

- Miss Madderley, good evening.

- Good evening.

Good evening, Miss er...

- Good evening, sir.

- Good evening.

What's my steward doing serving here?

Begged for permission

to lend a volunteering hand, sir.

Anything to help the smooth running of the ship.

- Good for him.

- lsn't it, sir?

All we newcomers feel the same way, sir.

Just keep your beady... your eyes on us.

(Chuckles) l will.

Fine conditions in the Atlantic tonight, l hear, sir.

Well, that's great.

We don't happen to be on the Atlantic.

- Just thought l'd let you know, sir.

- Thank you.

Must circulate. The social touch, you know.

(Chuckles insincerely)

(Laughs insincerely)

May l have the next dance?

l didn't know this was a dance.

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