Carry on Cruising Page #3

Oh er... Ooh! (Chuckles heartily)

No, it isn't, is it?

But every time l look at you l hear music.

Every time l look at you l think of music.

- Do you?

- Mm.

- Colonel Bogey. Excuse me.

- Oh, wait!

- Yes, the tropical night sky always...

- Please!

Captain! Don't panic! Keep quite calm! Captain!

Water! Water! Ah! Here's water.

Captain! Cap...

Doctor! Where's the Doctor?

Doctor! Doctor! Ooh!

(Laughter)

Mmm... Very nice.

Come on. Everything will be all right.

Come along, now.

l'll soon have you on the table. That's right.

This way.

Come on, Captain. You'll soon be all right.

Now keep taking the tablets.

Thank you, doc.

(Mouths) Fool!

During the war, l did Arctic runs that would have

made HMS Ulysses look like a trip to Brighton!

Without getting a scratch!

Two days on a simple cruise with you lot,

and look at me!

(Knock)

- Come in!

Good morning, sir. Some coffee

to soothe your nerves, calm you down.

There, there.

l always say worse things happen at sea.

We are at sea, you landlocked nit!

Well, you'd never know it.

These stabilisers are marvellous.

- You're late.

- Sorry, sir. A lot of work to clear up.

What with his face and his wrist and your nut...

erm...your head, sir.

Well, well, well, how are we all feeling now?

(They talk over each other)

- Shut up!

l usually penalise defaulters

by stopping 'em a day's pay.

lf l did that with you,

you'd owe the company money!

So l'll have to be content with a few words.

- You, for a start, Marjoribanks.

- Oh, sir, you got my name right, at last!

l'm in the mood for using the right words.

- You, Marjoribanks, are a...

(Squawking)

l tell you, my ears are burning.

l shouldn't wonder.

Someone's been talking about you.

- Do you think he's ever studied medicine?

- l wouldn't think so, no. Why?

ln describing us, he employed a great deal

of physiological terminology.

Well, he was medically incorrect

in what he called you. (Chuckles) Come on.

On the toes...and bend.

And...stretch. And...lower.

Well done, ladies. Keep it up.

(Giggles) l'll try.

That's all for today, ladies. Dismissed.

(Sighs)

Come on in, miss.

- l don't want to intrude.

- You won't, if you join one of my PT groups.

Well, l was thinking more of your...

individual attention.

You must be very advanced.

Well, you know.

No, really, are you?

lt'd be such a kick for me if you are.

Most of these people haven't a clue.

Want to make up for 50 weeks' lack of exercise

with two weeks' puffing and blowing.

Well, l...

Yes, l...l suppose l am a bit of a body-builder.

- Have you got a gym at your office?

- Why bring him up? Oh, gym!

Yes. Oh, yes. lt's a very progressive firm.

They provide everything for us girls.

We've got a gymnasium, rest rooms,

midget bowling alley...

Terrible typewriters, though.

Marvellous! l'm all for the modern girl

taking care of her body.

Provided it's not carried to extremes, eh?

Well er...let's see what you can do.

Right. After you.

Look, Mum, no hands.

Just to warm up. Come on. Over you go.

Who moved the ship?

- What about the bars now?

- Oh, l'd love a drink.

That should really loosen you up.

- You reckon?

- Come on. Over you go.

- Fabulous!

- Argh!

- Are you all right?

- Nearly burnt my boats there.

- Well, what's next?

- No, you show me.

You're an expert on rope work.

lt's my weakest point.

Mine too. My one failing.

l've a terrible head for heights.

But...you were just up there.

Me? (Laughs) Me up there?

(Laughs) Oh, blimey!

Miss Castle! lt's Miss Castle!

What have you been doing to Miss Castle?

We were exercising together.

l had no idea she wasn't used to it.

Well, luckily for you,

l'm used to an emergency and you're not.

Would you mind leaving me with my patient,

please?

All right.

For what l'm thinking, l could be struck off.

Breathing very well.

ln...out. ln...out.

ln... Oh, stop it, Arthur Binn. Be professional.

The pulse! Of course, the pulse.

Oh.

l'm fingers and thumbs today.

Oh, dear.

Well, l'll go straight to the heart of the matter.

Bom-bom-bom-bom-bom-bom-cha-cha-cha.

Argh! Oh! Ah!

Wait! Madam!

l must have a witness!

The BMA will never believe this! Argh!

- What are you doing?

- l was just resuscitating you.

Oh!

- Look, you don't understand.

- Don't l?

- lt was just a doctor's dilemma.

- l was on the ceiling.

What am l doing here? Let go!

The ceiling. Delirious.

Well, get back on the ceiling if you want to.

There's a nice ceiling.

A special ceiling you can lie down on.

He's bonkers.

- That is a nice ceiling, yes.

- Oh, it's a beautiful ceiling.

Get on it like a good girl.

lt's quite safe, you won't fall off. You see?

- Come on, then.

- Now, you relax and tell me all about it.

Yes, l might just as well get it all straight.

l was just checking on your heart.

l had my head here like that.

Then your arm came up like that.

- Then the other one came up like that.

- He's at it again!

- We'll visit Dr Binn next.

- Yes, sir.

You kept squeezing and wouldn't let go.

And suddenly, down we...

lt's...not a good moment for your inspection, sir.

The Doctor is treating a lady.

What's he treating her to?

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Do you know Miss Castle, Captain?

Not as well as you do, Doctor.

- Good morning, sir. One for the road, eh?

- What road?

Everybody's going ashore, sir.

This is sunny Spain.

So that's why they're charging around

like a load of bulls.

- Bullfights, flamencos, seoritas, ol.

- Oh, lay off!

- Surely, sir, you're not stopping here?

- Why not?

Spain's got nothing for me

that l can't get right here. Open the sherry.

Now, let's try it again.

Ooh!

Oh, my eye!

Watch.

Hm... Very good. lf it were full of snuff.

lt's made wrong.

You're doing it wrong. Let me do it on you.

You've done it on me already,

bringing me on this cruise.

First port done,

not a glimmer of a husband in sight.

Aw!

- Shove your head back.

- Glad!

- Oh, keep still! l nearly shampooed you with it!

- Get on with it.

Open your mouth.

- (Laughs)

- Glad, you are awful!

Girls! Girls! Ol! Ol! O- Oh!

- Ol, seor.

- Oh, hello, Binn.

No, seor,

l am the famous toreador from Madrid.

You look exactly like our Medical Officer -

Dr Binn.

Well, seor, this afternoon l fight 1 5 bulls.

That's an awful lot of bull.

Mm-hm. Well, my father,

he breeds the famous fighting bulls, you know.

Every year, 50,000 bulls he sends off by ship

to South America.

50,000 bulls?

Si-si. And also, every year,

20,000 more he ships off to France.

That's 70,000 bulls.

Si-si. He's one of the biggest bull-shippers

in the business! Ha!

Well, watch it, mate. l am Ferdinand the bull.

Oh-ho!

(Snorts)

Hey! Back, mate. Come on!

Hey! Ah!

Ol! Ol! Ol! Hey-hey!

(Snorts)

(Growls)

Ol! Ow!

You! You...

Get out of here!

(Tearing)

(Chuckles) Yours is the best.

(Chuckles nervously) Yes.

- Excuse me, sir. Very sorry.

- Thank you.

- Having a little party in your cabin, sir?

- With one guest. Me.

Sir?

Turner, the Aberdeen Angus

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