Carry on Cruising Page #5

Aye aye, aye aye, aye.

Ooh!

Sir!

Ooh!

(Cackles)

Be serious. He's old enough to be your father.

- l need a mature man. Don't you understand?

- Yeah, you've got a dad fad.

Here he is.

Oh, if he so much as looks at me, l'll...

- Let's go back, then.

- Oh, no!

Oh, Flo, for heaven's sake,

don't make a spectacle of yourself. Come on!

l can't move! ln either direction.

My knees have gone.

My heart! My head! l feel awful.

- lt must be love!

- Sounds more like a shallow sleep.

- Morning, ladies.

- Good morning.

(Squeals)

What's the matter? Did l startle you?

No. No, it's quite all right.

l um... Excuse me, l think l'd better go

and have a look at the propeller shaft.

Why? Are we flying the rest of the way?

Excuse me.

Glad... Oh, Glad, did you see him?

My eyes weren't shut, l'm sorry to say.

Don't do that!

(Chair creaks)

- Do you mind?

(Bangs desk)

Where are you going?

l thought l'd go off er...

leave you alone...come later.

What's the matter?

Have you got water on the knee?

No. Never mind my knee, sir, that'll mend.

But you seem worried. Maybe l can help.

- Mind you, l'm not prying.

- Then don't.

lt's just that l do have a certain capacity

for sorting out other people's problems.

- On my last ship, l was known as the...

- Freud of the Frozen North.

- Very well, if you don't wish to confide in me.

- No, no.

- They do say two heads are better than one.

- Very true.

- Even if one of them's yours.

- Charming!

Marjoribanks, l'm going to tell you.

l have just done something

l have never done before.

l made a lady scream.

Very interesting. How?

l said good morning.

Should that have frightened her?

Come on!

You look as if ladies often scream at you.

Flatterer!

- You must have an electric sex appeal.

- l have not!

- There's another explanation.

- What's that?

- No, l can't say.

- Come on, tell me.

- No.

- Why?

- You'll be cross.

- l will not be cross!

- You promise?

- Of course! Scout's honour.

- Why did she scream when l looked at her?

- That's it.

- What's it?

- Your face.

My what?

Uh-uh. Scout's honour. You said it.

My face?

- Your face, suddenly zooming up at her...

- (Gasps)

(Screams)

That's it.

This is terrifying. This could drive a man to drink!

No. Just don't come upon any women

very suddenly, that's all.

Drink! That's it! Drink, Marjoribanks!

- A little one, if you insist.

- No, no, no! Now l know what to do!

- ls Tree outside?

- No, but there's a palm.

- That's the answer.

- You'll give her a palm?

Oh, shut up! Tree! Tree! Come here, Tree!

(Laughs)

- l could never do that.

- Oh, it's easy. Watch.

Miss Castle. The Captain's compliments. Can

you spare him a few moments in his day cabin?

- At once?

- Yes, miss. lf you could.

- Are you going to have a dive?

- Yes. Headfirst into his arms.

Glad, it's the Captain. He sent for me.

l must have shaken him.

l tell you, Marjoribanks, l shook her.

l frightened her because l was rude

when she was plastered.

- Poor girl.

- l wish she'd hurry.

l've got to convince her that the Captain

is everybody's friend, not a horrible ogre.

Quite so, sir.

Oh, go straight through, miss.

Your fairy godfather's waiting for you.

(Knocking)

Come in!

Ah, Miss Castle.

l'm sorry l interrupted your swim.

What's a swim compared with the tide of life?

Yes, er... Will you sit down?

You'll forgive me if l'm very brief, Miss Castle.

To save time, why not call me Flo?

And why not? lt's more friendly, isn't it?

And that's what l intend to be, Flo.

- More friendly with me?

- Certainly er...Flo.

- What's your first name?

- Er...mine?

Mm.

- Wellington.

- Mother frightened by a boot?

Well, no.

l think they expected me to be a soldier.

Oh, l'm glad you're not.

Give me a sailor every time.

A man can be more proud of his craft

than his barracks.

Quite. Yes, quite.

lt all boils down to this, Miss Castle.

l don't want you to be frightened of me.

Oh, how sweet you are.

- Then you do understand?

- Perfectly, Wellington.

Good.

- But you're quite wrong.

- l am?

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

l want to be

just that little bit ever so scared of you.

- What for?

- lt's what l need.

A sort of father figure.

Do go on...Dad.

- l've forgotten what l was going to say.

- Then let me say it for you.

All right, then.

That look between us -

that was enough, more than enough.

ln that flash of time, you saw my need

and l saw the supplier.

- Now wait a minute.

- A pure and perfect transaction

across the shop counter of existence.

- And yet you're worried.

- You can say that again.

Worried about the difference in our ages.

Well, l'm not.

- You're not?

- No, no, no.

l don't care if you're old, lined, going grey.

l prefer you that way.

Yes, Wellington. l want to do my packing

in the bags under your eyes.

My dear little Wellington bags.

Miss Fokstle! Er, Castle! Now look here, Flo.

- You're blushing.

- l'm melting!

lt's wonderful. You're so human.

Mature...and yet modest.

Oh, why have l wasted my time with mere boys?

Wellington, you...are my Waterloo.

- Flo, ebb a little.

- We've got to get to know each other.

- Stand back!

- Oh! Anything you say.

So masterful.

But relent...for a moment.

- Kiss me.

- You naughty girl!

Am l?

Well, if you catch me, you can spank me.

(Squeals)

(Knocking)

- Who is it?

Marjoribanks, sir.

- Has she gone?

- Yes, sir.

There seemed to be

some crossing of purposes, sir.

l explained to Miss Castle and,

somewhat red-faced, she's departed.

Well done. Ooh!

Who did you say was frightened of whom, sir?

Good morning, madam.

l see by your hat you've been to Mecca.

Your tea, madam.

Why don't you feed the camel? He looks hungry.

Aye.

Yes, l will. Certainly.

- l'd rather not discuss the Suez Canal.

- Me neither.

MlSS MADDERLEY:

Very well. l'd love to meet your four wives.

Yes.

(Door closes)

Oh, tea!

Hoo-hoo! Or should l say er...chai?

(Giggles) Chai.

(Knocking)

- Come in.

Good morning, sir. Nice new day, nice new start.

You watch me zip through the paperwork.

- Lie down.

- Eh?

- l'm gonna find out what makes you tick.

- Tick, sir?

- Psychologically speaking.

- l don't understand you.

That makes us even, cos l don't understand you.

You mogadore me.

lnside you, Marjoribanks, you must be a writhing

mass of complexes, egos, and all that gear.

A captain has to understand his men.

And that is why l am gonna psychoanalyse you.

Freud knew what he was talking about.

- On the other hand, l'm not a Jung man.

- Well, as long as you're Jung at heart!

What are you talking about?

There you go again, flying off on a tangent.

Couch.

- Couch, not crouch, you fool! Get over there!

- Terribly sorry.

- Right, now then, talk.

- Talk what?

Anything.

That's how they do this psycho malarkey.

- l feel silly.

- You don't look silly.

- l do.

- You don't.

- l know l do.

- l swear you don't.

- What do l look like, then?

- Lovely. Languid like a lily. Come on, talk.

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