Carry on Cruising Page #6

- That's very vivid.

- What is?

- That phrase you used - languid as a lily.

- ls it?

- Yes. Are you interested in flowers?

- Oh, yes.

- Do you enjoy gardening?

- Very much.

- Got a nice garden at home?

- The envy of the Horticultural Society.

- Do you belong to many societies?

- Quite a few.

- Gregarious, eh?

- No, Taurus.

Ooh! lnterested in astrology, too.

- Yes, sit down.

- Oh, thanks.

Now, quickly, what does this make you think of?

- The bull.

- Horns.

- Horns.

- No, hang on a minute.

- Horns of a dilemma, for example?

- How did you know?

Yes. Put your feet up.

We are getting somewhere.

- We are not! l'm supposed to be doing you!

- Captain, don't quibble, please.

Horns of a dilemma - that's it.

That's your analysis.

You see everything as a dilemma.

- You see everything as a problem.

- Very true.

Because of your deep-rooted inferiority complex.

- l don't feel inferior.

- Of course you don't. lt's all in your ucs.

- My what?

- Your ucs.

- So are you!

- No, UCS - your unconscious.

Look here, Marjoribanks,

you are supposed to be the idiot, not me!

How did l get down here?

lt's always a shock when illusions disperse.

Don't worry. Now you know your own problems,

you'll get rid of this idea

that everyone's persecuting you.

- l will?

- Yes. Of course.

And forget this fear of new faces.

New faces can be just as efficient

as the old faces - just as efficient.

Well done, Marjoribanks.

You've made me feel much better.

- l feel much better already.

- That's the spirit.

Highly successful.

- Oh. Morning, Captain.

- Morning, Dr Binn.

- You're a new face, aren't you?

- No, it's the same one, sir.

But you've got to remember - a new face is just

as efficient as an old one. Well done. Very good.

Mm-hm. Nil return, eh?

l've never known such healthy people.

- What do you want, an epidemic?

- Of course not.

- l just don't know what to do with myself.

- You could help with this.

- l'm too tense.

- Well, relax.

- l can't.

- Run round the deck.

- Right off exercise.

- Well, so lie down.

- l'm too restless.

- Well, read a book.

- l can't concentrate.

- Well, write a book!

Oh, please!

You've got to live before you can write a book.

And no-one can say he's lived until he's loved.

- Well, go out and love someone.

- l do. Her.

- Who her?

- What do you mean, ''who her''?

Miss Castle.

- Miss Castle?

- Oh, Miss Castle, yeah.

- Have you told her?

- No, you know me - l'm too shy.

- Here, l could cable her.

- Why not semaphore?

You have to declare yourself openly.

Otherwise you'll stay right where you are.

- Right up an impasse.

- Hm?

- Oh! Oh, l see. You mean speak to her.

- Yes.

Straight from the shoulder

to the point of dislocation!

- Ooh! l'd die if l did that.

- lt would put you out of your misery.

- You've no sympathy.

- Do you expect me to tell her for you?

- Oh, would you?

- What, am l Cyrano de Bergerac?

Who's he? Would he tell her?

What cabin's he in? What deck?

Arthur, Arthur, Arthur. Keep calm.

- No, no, please! You've got me all worked up.

- l'm frightfully sorry.

Don't apologise.

l'm not angry - you've done me a good turn.

Yes.

ln this mood of self-realisation,

of merciless self-determination,

- l think l could do it, you know.

- You could?

- Yes, l think l could overcome my timodity.

- Your what?

Time... Overcome my timidity, l mean.

l could! Yes.

l could go right up to her now and l could...

- Ooh, l could speak to her.

- Bravo!

- Thank you.

- Not at all.

- l'll be indebted to you for the rest of my life.

- Now is the time. Think only of now.

- Oh, you're right. Good luck.

- Thank you.

- Bye-bye.

- Bye-bye.

- Ooh!

- 'Ere!

Fool!

Oh! (Laughs)

You're always leaving that thing lying around.

lt's worse than a pair of gloves.

- Why not leave it in the cabin?

- Somebody might have kicked it.

Let's see if it's still working.

lt's simple. Of course. There's nothing to it.

All these years of shyness. lt's ridiculous.

Just go right up to her and say,

''Miss Castle...l have something to tell you.

l am a plain, simple man, Miss Castle.

l have plain, simple feelings,

and l use plain, simple words.

And l simply have to let you know, plainly,

that l... that l...

(Radio crackles)

..that l slainly and pimply want...

Coo-oo!

(lnterference)

- Point it towards ltaly.

Well, which way is that?

l don't know. Wave it about a bit.

(Mixed signals)

# Bella Marie...

Oh, Flo.

lsn't that romantic?

Just dishy!

Why can't Englishmen sing to us about love

instead of dragging us off to rugger matches?

l couldn't resist any man

who'd sing to me like that.

Good day, madam. Care for a knock-up

while you're waiting for your partner?

Ooh, l haven't got a...

Well, yes, Officer. Thank you.

But l'm not very good at the game.

Oh, it's quite easy. Just be careful not to pong

instead of ping. (Laughs)

- Gently to begin, eh?

- lf you please.

- Ow!

- l'm terribly sorry. Most unfortunate.

Beginner's luck. (Laughs)

Try your luck on this.

(Giggles)

Clever! Do it again!

l'm terribly sorry, Captain...sir...dear. l mean...

lt's not my day.

(Soft guitar and humming)

(Hums)

# ..reason l must live

# Only for you

And this is it.

- North Africa tomorrow.

- Yes.

Maybe l'll get my name on the shortlist

for a harem.

You're not still worrying about romance,

are you?

Frankly, l'm past worrying.

Too tired, for one thing.

- Let's go to bed, hm?

- OK.

- Want to be fresh for North Africa tomorrow.

- Yes.

But will North Africa be fresh for us?

Ah, perfect.

Just right for some soft serenading

outside her cabin.

Here we go.

Much better. l'll do it here.

# Bella Marie

# Bella Marie

# Bella Marie

# Please come to me

# How can words explain to you

# The love l try to give?

# You're the sun, the wind, the rain

# The reason l must live

# Only for you

# Oh, please love me too

# Oh, bella Flo

# Oh, bella Flo

# l need you so

# Please let's have a...

# l love you so

# Oh, bella Flo

# My bella Flo

# l love you so

# Please don't say no

# Please don't say no

# Please don't say no-o-o-o

(Snoring)

(Snores)

(Twangs guitar) Uh...

(Snoring continues)

l'm wasting time!

North Africa at last.

l thought we'd never get here. Shop!

(Slurred) Sam, old chap, what have l

been drinking for the last couple of days?

Well, you asked for something

characteristically Arabic, sir, and this is it.

Drunk by everybody round these parts

and distilled on the banks of the Nile.

(lnhales and burps)

(Gurgling)

(Gurgling)

- Cook?

He must be dreadfully ill. l wouldn't think

he'd that much stomach to gurgle with!

- You get the Doctor, l'll see what's wrong.

- Yes, sir.

'Ere, cop this for a souvenir, eh, Captain?

- What are you trying to do?

- Do you mind?

lt's much better than filter tips.

You can hardly taste the smoke at all.

l'm not surprised. You're not supposed to blow it!

- What, then?

- Suck it and see!

Hm?

Urgh! No, much better the other way.

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