Carry on Cruising Page #7

(Gurgling)

- l beg your pardon?

Perhaps it's a sheikh you seek.

l'm not shaken, sheikh.

(Speaks gibberish) Oh!

Oh!

(Both laugh)

- Madam.

- Thank you very much.

- Oh, show me!

- (Laughs)

(Laughs)

All we need here

is a couple of sheikhs and a camel!

Thank you.

(Chuckles)

- Flo.

- What, dear?

- We're on our way home.

- l know.

Pity, isn't it?

Just getting warmed up to this cruise lark.

Thank you.

- You don't hold it against me?

- Hold what, dear?

- Not finding a husband.

- Oh, that.

Your idea was OK, lovey.

lt was me that put the mockers on it.

Anyway, l've forgotten all about men for a while.

They are completely out of my mind.

Ooh! Dear.

Shall have to take it to the Doctor now.

- Cleaner, l mean!

- Oh, yes?

Gentlemen,

every since you joined me,

there are times when l wished

that l was running a holiday camp.

Because in that kind of establishment,

l could at least occasionally escape from you lot,

by walking out of the gate.

Here, l can only jump overboard.

And, believe me,

there are times when l felt like it.

But not now, gentlemen.

Praise where praise is due.

Praise? For us, sir?

Surprised, eh?

That's exactly how praise should strike you.

Ever since our last meeting, you've all stopped

trying to impress me and got on with your jobs.

Result? You have impressed me.

- l have impressed you, sir?

- Certainly.

When you played table tennis

with that mad pixie - the er...lonely little lady.

- Of course, you did muck it up a bit. (Laughs)

- (Laughs)

That's the spirit, you see.

Concern about the passengers' happiness.

And you, Turner. Don't think l didn't notice

you gave up your shore leave

to serve a gentleman. That's also the spirit.

But, Captain,

how can l possibly have merited your praise?

l've had nothing to do.

Ah, you, Dr Binn,

you have achieved self-effacement.

- Oh? l felt no pain, sir.

- You will in a minute.

On a cruise, the passengers don't want the

doctor giving everybody the undertaker's look.

Oh, no, no, no.

Well, you did the right thing.

You kept yourself to yourself.

Sir, that's just because l'm...

- Go on, go on.

- Shut up.

- What did l do, then?

- The lady in cabin 73.

lt's a lie!

Don't be so modest, Haines. l know all about

that diet you fixed up for her.

- And you've been cooking her meals yourself.

- Oh, that!

Oh, you mean Fanny Fusspot,

the calorie queen. Oh, it was no trouble.

Stimulating, playing with her proteins.

Yes. Well, none of this means, of course,

that l can possibly consider any of you

for the new liner.

But you just continue going on

as you have been

and l might recommend you to my successor

at the Happy Wanderer.

- Thank you, gentlemen, that's all.

- Thank you, sir.

Aye aye, sir.

- He's a fine man.

- Oh, he's very fair, l think, don't you?

Crisp on top, soft underneath.

A regular meringue.

Yeah.

Best boss l ever worked for, on land or sea.

- l wish l could think of something to do for him.

- (Squawks)

- Don't do that! l'm all of a quiver as it is.

- l can do something for him! Excuse me.

Let's think of something to do

to show our appreciation.

lt wouldn't be like sucking up.

He did tell us we didn't stand an earthly

of getting on that liner.

- But he did give us praise.

- Where it was due.

- Fine man.

- Oh, he's a regular...cream bun, was it?

- Meringue.

- That's right, meringue bun.

- l wish we could do something for him.

- lt'll have to be quick, there's only two days left.

- Mr Marjoribanks!

- Yes, miss?

- Where can we be alone?

- Eh?

- Quick, there's only two days left.

- For what?

- Come on.

- 'Ere! No!

- That's better. Nobody can hear us here.

- Why shouldn't they hear us, miss?

What l have to tell you is rather delicate.

Oh. Well, naturally, if l can help you in any way...

- Well, the plain fact is, my friend's in love.

- Oh, how nice!

Well, it isn't.

You see, she doesn't really know she's in love.

But l know, and l want to help her

by getting the man in question to approach her.

- And how do l come into all this?

- You know him very well.

l do? l do?

Me? l can't believe it!

Well, that's life. That's love.

- Women fall for the most unlikely creatures.

- Thank you very much!

- To me, her choice is inexplicable.

- Charming!

But there's no accounting for taste, is there?

l appreciate your apprising me

of Miss Castle's feelings,

but l can do without your expressions

of incredulity concerning them!

Why shouldn't Miss Castle

fall desperately in love with me?

- Did she tell you that?

- No, you did.

l did?

lf you didn't, who have we been discussing?

- Dr Binn.

- Dr B...

Dr Binn?

She's in love with him?

- Didn't l just say that?

- Oh, well, yes, in a round about way.

We must think up some ruse, some stratagem,

whereby they can come together.

- l've got it!

- Oh, you haven't, Mr Marjoribanks?

- You'll have to work it...

- Yes.

Surely we can think of something nice

to do for the Captain.

l know! l've got it!

How about a nice clock with a brass plate on it?

We can't do that. He's not retiring.

Anyway, where would you get a clock

in the middle of the ocean?

- Ship shop.

- Say that again.

Ship shop.

- When we get back, you want to see a dentist.

- Oh, ta.

Well, here goes. All for Flo.

Doctor!

Doctor!

Don't worry.

(Whimpers)

No harm done. Thank goodness.

lt is you!

Oh, it was you!

- What was me?

- l saw you.

l had to lean on the rail for support.

Pardon?

l could feel your eyes burning into my back.

Ooh! That... That scorching look!

lt was like sunstroke.

And then l turned, saw you again,

and that was it, l went!

Where did you go?

- lnto a dead faint. Didn't you see?

- Oh, yes, of course.

Very distressing.

And how long have you been suffering

these attacks?

Since l first saw you.

- Come on, let's leave me out of it, shall we?

- l can't!

You are it!

You are all.

You're the germ. The symptom. The sickness.

And the cure.

Oh, Doctor.

(Chuckles nervously)

l'm afraid you must be a little overwrought, miss.

No, l'm not - l'm underprivileged.

l'm afraid l-l-l don't really follow you.

- Doctor...

- Mm?

You are aware of me, aren't you?

(Chuckles nervously) Very difficult to ignore you.

How do you find me?

(Purrs) l just look straight ahead

and there you are. (Chuckles)

- Do l repel you?

- No, no, of course you don't, no.

- Then all the rest will come in time.

- Of course it will. What do you mean?

This!

Gladys Trimble, how do you do?

Arthur Do. How you Binn?

l mean Binn, how do you do?

- l confuse you.

- Yes, you don't.

l mean, do. Hm...

You didn't sound confused

when you sang to me the other night.

What? l...l sa...

- l sang to you?

- Who else?

- W-w-w-well, l...

- Come, come, Doctor. lt must have been me.

Look, l was not serenading you!

l say. l seem to have made

the most dreadful mistake.

Yes, l'm afraid you have.

-l was only trying to help you over your shyness.

- l'm not shy.

- Prove it. Prove you're not shy.

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