Carry on Cruising Page #8

- How?

l don't know. Do something.

Yes. All right. l will!

Where is she?

- Cigarette?

- No, thank you.

- Do you mind if l do?

FLO:
No, go ahead.

- l must say, l enjoy these cruises.

- Excuse me.

- Yes. Ah, yes. l thought so.

- Huh?

- You're going a bit blotchy around here.

- Really?

l noticed this coming on over the past few days.

lt's probably highly infectious.

lt's just the change of food,

the change of climate.

Nothing to worry about, of course. You'll live.

Providing l give you instant treatment, of course.

Would you mind popping down to

the treatment cabin? And don't touch anybody.

- May l...?

- What about that young man?

Oh, don't worry about him.

Let him get another deck chair.

- That young man, is he ill?

- No, no.

- Then why are you...

- Preventive medicine.

- l don't understand.

- You will, if you listen.

l'm not interested in preventive medicine.

What is this?

- l have something to declare.

- Well, wait till we get to Customs.

- Now listen, please. l'm not like that. l'm pure.

- Pure what?

- There's not many like me left, you know.

- l'm glad to hear it.

Please, if we're going to spend the rest of our

lives together, you must learn not to interrupt.

The rest of our lives?

Yes. For better or for worse.

And so on and so forth.

You mean marriage?

Of course! l know of no respectable alternative.

You've got a nerve.

l've got several of them.

They're all functioning normally.

Do you realise what you've said?

l should do. lt's pounded in my brain

often enough, asleep and awake.

ln the drowsy fantasy moment

of every lonely dawn...

- Well, come on, what's your answer?

- You've taken my breath away.

Oh, l'm terribly sorry. Would you mind

standing up? Thank you. Breathe in deeply.

Out again, please. Thank you. ln...

Try a bit further. Out. Thank you.

- Marvellous. You'll feel better in a moment.

- l feel dizzy.

Oh. Sit down.

lt's just the...sudden realisation, you see,

of the fact that... that l love you.

Do you?

Yes. Oh! Haven't l said so?

Not in so many words.

- Shall l?

- Yes, please.

All right.

l love you.

Ha-ha! What about that, then?

- And how about you?

- How about me?

Do you think that you could come to love me?

Well, l...

l suppose l could do worse.

Ooh! Coo!

Ha-ha!

- Turned out nice again.

- Has it?

Mr Haines! Mr Haines! Where is the idiot?

- Mr...

- Here.

Oh, l'm terribly sorry.

- Do you know what day it is today?

- l'm not daft, it's Thursday.

- lt's providential.

- No, it's Thursday.

No, listen. Exactly 1 0 years ago to this day,

Captain Crowther took command

of the Happy Wanderer.

l only found it out by accident.

l looked it up in an old log book.

- l'm not with you.

- Yes, you are.

Have you got some private little place

where you could make a cake?

- A cake?

- A cake!

- An anniversary cake?

- An anniversary cake!

- Of course! l knew l'd think of something.

- You knew you'd think of...

Yes, all right. Well, to work, then.

And remember, the utmost secrecy.

No-one'll see me handle as much as a nut.

The success of this operation

will depend entirely on your culinary expertise.

l don't know about that. But l can cook.

We understand each other. With some difficulty,

but we do understand each other.

Till tonight.

Tonight. With a cake to stagger humanity.

Thank you.

(Whispers) We're arranging a party

especially for the Captain.

- A party?

- Ssh!

Please, it's supposed to be a secret.

What if the Captain should hear?

You shouldn't have told me.

l get so excited - l can't keep secrets.

What a lovely idea. So thoughtful and tender.

Just the sort of thing that makes me feel...

really...happy.

(Sobs) Oh, l'm so happy.

Miss Madderley, pull yourself together!

lt's only a little party.

Ssh, ssh! Don't say that. lt's a secret.

Suppose the Captain... (Gasps)

Oh, the Captain!

The dear, devoted Captain!

Hello, hello. What is afoot?

That peculiar shaped thing

on the end of your leg!

Keep taking the tablets.

Excuse me.

- Miss Madderley.

- (Yelps)

- What's wrong?

- You are! Er...nothing!

Hello! Goodbye.

(Sighs) Handmade. Nothing like it. (Chuckles)

Hm...

Mm... Well made...but not yet created.

This needs the Haines touch.

We don't need that, l don't think.

Here we go.

Espaola sherry.

Gracia... (Sniffs)

Blimey!

Smells like a Babylonian boozer's bedroom!

Phwoar!

Can't have put too much sherry in.

lt's not like me at all.

Well, we'll soon see.

Too much sherry in.

(Sighs) Now what? Counteraction.

Yes. Cream. Of course.

Only glorious Devon cream can save the day.

Glorious Dev...

What an idea!

An international cake!

Just the thing for a mariner's anniversary.

And apart from that, a good turmoil

of ingredients will give it flavouring.

Yes. Flavouring.

Ha-ha!

Right, we'll start with the grated coconut

from the South Seas.

Grated coconut.

And then... (lndian accent) Bombay duck,

all the way from Bombay.

A little bit of Bombay duck.

Thank you very much.

(Chinese accent) And Chinese chop suey.

Chinese chop...Chinese chop suey.

And a little Californian prunes.

Yes.

Last but not least, viva spaghetti!

Viva voce per la tomato, eh?

(ltalian accent) No wonder they say

''Mr Haines takes-a pains.''

(Knocking)

- Who?

- Me!

- You?

- Aye.

Come!

Haines! l'm thrilled!

Haines, l'm engaged.

No need to ask how you're getting on,

Mr Haines.

Or him! Congratulations.

Here, l hope you'll allow me

to cook the cake for your wedding.

What? Not if it's got spaghetti in it!

Or chop suey! (Laughs)

- Hey! Or bicarbonate of soda!

- And why not?

My dear Wilfred.

You don't mean that all that stuff

is in the cake you're now baking?

l repeat - why not?

- lt's incredible!

- lt's inedible.

Out of my kitchen! Do l tell you how to doctor?

Do l tell you how to run the ship?

Do l tell you how to get engaged?

Well, then don't tell me how to cook!

You wait! You'll eat it. Then you'll see.

This is an historic moment for English cooking.

England expects this day

every man to have a nibble.

- Sir! Sir! There's something going on in the bar!

- There usually is.

- Will you come at once, sir?

- What's the matter?

lf it's anything medical, you can deal with it.

lf it's anything else, l've got a staff...

Come quickly, sir. Only you can deal with it.

- Well, what is it?

- Would you come with me, sir, please?

All right! All right.

Mr Marjoribanks, sir.

For the Captain.

An Aberdeen Angus!

You clever boy!

- That's right, sir. l cabled Angus for the recipe.

- lnitiative.

1 2 days late, but initiative.

The cake, sir.

How beautiful! Looks almost too good to eat.

- Doesn't it?

- Oh, yes! lt's much too good to eat.

Thank you, Haines.

lt's great.

lt reminds me of everywhere l've ever been.

lncluding Port Said.

Thank you.

- Speech! Speech!

- Speech!

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much

for this very gratifying party. You seem...

Spaghetti?

You seem to like travelling with me and

l certainly like travelling with you. l'm afraid...

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