Carry on Dick Page #2

- Go on, Strapp.

- As I was saying, sir,

all these hold-ups seem to have happened

within a 20-mile radius of this area here.

Yes, yes. Well?

We can deduce from that that Turpin's

headquarters are somewhere around there.

What?! Oh, any imbecile could see that, man!

Well I just wanted to make sure that you did.

Of course I did. Are you implying that

any imbecile has got more sense than I have?

No, sir.

I should hope not. Any fool can make fatuous

generalisations like that.

What I want to know is,

where is his headquarters? Where?

I was just coming to that.

There's a notorious inn

just as you go into Lower Dencher here.

It's the Old Cock, on the right.

That's where we've been going wrong!

- What?

- I've made provision on the left.

Will you shut up about the wretched breeches!

Go on, Strapp. Go on.

Well, sir, the Old Cock's been well known as

a meeting place for criminals for many years.

And I think that is where

we should start looking for Turpin.

- Whoa!

DICK:
Stand and deliver!

Deliver, I say! Deliver!

(Baby cries)

Oh, well. You can't win 'em all.

(Cackles)

I think we'll have a word with the good rector.

What for, Captain?

It never does any harm

to have the godly on one's side.

Whoa.

Good day, gentlemen. May I be of help?

Possibly. Are you the rector here?

That is my good fortune, sir.

The Reverend Flasher.

Well, Reverend Flasher,

is there somewhere confidential we can talk?

In the vestry. Follow me.

Ow!

Tom, I'd like to speak

to these gentlemen privately.

Right, sir.

This looks more like an armoury

than a vestry, Rector.

We do find it useful to keep a few pistols handy.

Against thieves, you mean?

And reluctant bridegrooms.

Thank you, Tom. You may go.

I've got the odd feeling

I've seen that man somewhere before.

Gentlemen, I don't like to rush you, but I have

a marriage and a christening to perform today.

Sounds as if they keep you busy, Rector.

The same parties are concerned in both events.

Methinks someone's

been putting the cart before the horse.

That's the usual practice here, I'm afraid.

Yes, a romp in the hay is worth

a bun in the oven, anytime!

All right, thank you,

we don't wish to know that, Sergeant.

- Sergeant?

- Yes. Confidentially, we are Bow Street runners.

In truth?

In truth,

I am Captain Fancey, this is Sergeant Strapp.

- Why be so secretive about it?

- We don't want anyone to know who we are,

especially the one they call Big Dick.

Then why tell me?

A man in your position

has everyone's confidence.

You might hear of something of value to us.

Yes, Captain, but if I did, I couldn't possibly

betray that confidence. You know that.

There's a reward of 100 guineas

for information leading to his capture.

Perhaps I could make an exception.

I thought you might.

I'm a mere man like yourself.

I'd like to get my organ in use again.

I beg your pardon?!

The bellows are leaking

and it does cost so much to repair it.

If you do hear anything,

we shall be at the Old Cock Inn.

- Ah, yes. I know it.

- Incognito, don't forget, so mum's the word.

Yes, Mum.

- Beg your pardon, sir.

- Yes, Harriet, what is it?

Mistress Hoggett sent me to say

the wedding party is coming.

Gentlemen, if you'll excuse me.

We'll be leaving you now.

- That way.

- Of course, yes.

A comely wench indeed!

I wouldn't mind putting my cart before her.

The cart before...

Bye, my love.

That tall one...

I'm sure he was one of the Bow Street runners

the other night.

- They both are.

- How do you know?

They told me.

They want me to help them catch Big Dick!

Here, does this mean

we've got to lie low for a bit?

Well, we'll see.

What did he mean when he said

he wanted to put his cart before me?

That's a bit difficult to explain in so many words.

Couldn't you show me?

WOMAN:
Rector!

- Oh, blast.

- Yes, Miss Hoggett?

- Rector, the wedding party has arrived.

(Baby cries)

So I hear. Would you please

start playing the wedding music?

- Very well, Rector. The usual march?

- Fight The Good Fight.

Very good, Rector.

Tonight we're going to go to the Old Cock Inn.

Are you game?

Oh, yes, sir!

Ooh, I'd do anything for you.

You know that.

Do you mean that? Anything?

Anything.

Well, in that case...

Yes?

Go and... pump the organ.

Oh.

(Bawdy laughter)

Evening, ma'am.

Don't you "evening" me!

What are my girls doing down here?

I don't know. I haven't been watching 'em.

You know my orders!

They are only allowed down here to perform.

- I thought that's what they were doing.

- That's enough.

Back to your room, all of you!

Go on.

(Shouts of protest)

You ought to know better

after all my careful training.

Go on, get up them stairs!

You minx, madam. Go on!

(Drunken jeers)

I am warning you lot for the last time.

This is for the next man who tries to make free

with one of my girls!

- I wouldn't fancy a poke with that.

- What did you say?

Your blade, ma'am.

You handle it too expertly for my liking.

I shouldn't worry.

You don't look as if you've got much to lose.

Ha-ha! Much to lose!

Shut up.

Remember, we're supposed to be criminals.

Try to act like one.

Give us your tuppence and be off.

Tuppence for a quart?

Daylight bloody robbery, that's what it is.

Bloody prices round here.

Two porters please, landlord.

Hello, sir. Room all right?

It'll do. One can't be too particular

when one's on the run.

Is the law after you, sir?

After him?

You've obviously never heard of

Dandy Desmond.

- Randy who?

- Dandy!

Dandy Desmond.

He's wanted for robbery in six counties.

It's a great honour to have you with us, then, sir.

If I can do anything for you,

- don't you forget to give me the nod.

- There is something.

I'm very anxious to meet this highwayman

I've heard so much about.

What is it you call him? The Big Dick?

- You mean Turpin?

- Ah, that's him, yes. Do you know him?

No, sir, nobody does...

except old Maggie over there.

She claims Big Dick

went to her for treatment once.

He must have been hard up at the time.

Ha-ha!

No, sir, not that sort of treatment.

She's the local midwife.

Midwife? What on earth

could have been wrong with him?

Maybe it was his birthday.

- Birthday, ha-ha, ha!

- Shut up.

Come along.

What on earth possessed you to give me

a name like Dandy Desmond?

I don't know. It just sort of popped out.

It does seem to suit you.

Wanted in six counties? With a name like that,

they'll be wondering what for.

I was only trying to help.

In future, kindly leave the talking to me.

Good evening, missus.

Mind if we join you?

What do you want?

I was told as how you might be able to assist us.

Oh.

I understand you've met Dick Turpin.

Maybe I have, maybe I haven't.

I can't rightly remember.

Now, then, Maggie, I feel sure

we may be able to... jog your memory a little.

- Oh, it's just come back to me, sir.

- I thought it might.

Big Dick come up my place one night

with some buckshot in his cheek.

So you saw his face?

No, not that cheek, silly.

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