Carry on Dick Page #3

You mean he kept his face mask on?

Of course. But I'd know him anywhere again

with his breeches down.

Really? How?

Dear, oh, dear, it's gone again.

Memory do play queer tricks, don't it?

It comes back to me now.

How would you recognise him

with his breeches down?

Well, he's got this funny birthmark on his diddler.

- On his what?

- You know what a diddler is, don't you?

A diddler is a slang term for...

Flap me sideways!

I've never heard it called that before.

You haven't been diddled as often as me, ducky.

(Cackles)

A fat lot of good that was!

Not that my opinion counts for much,

but I would say that is quite a valuable clue.

Really? What do you suggest we do now?

Hold a diddler identification parade?

Any suggestion I make would be quite useless.

And to point out that Big Dick might well be

someone in this room, utterly stupid.

The height of folly indeed!

Distinguishing birthmark or not, sooner or later

he's got to answer the call of nature.

The call of... what? I don't follow you.

No, but I'll follow him!

Jock, my dear fellow!

They don't call you Jock Strapp for nothing!

You don't hang about.

With your permission, I'll start on that one.

I beg your pardon. Sorry.

How do you do?

What are you up to?

Er... nothing. Er... nice place.

Do you come here often?

(Laughs nervously)

Well?

Not that one, but I'll keep trying.

What a place to look for clues.

Right, now, then!

Could I have a bit of quiet, please?

Nice and quiet, because this is the moment

we've all been waiting for!

It's my great pleasure to introduce

Madame Desiree and her Ois...

Oswas...

Madame Desiree and her bloody birds!

(Cheering)

(French accent) The glories of all women,

their charm and their traditions,

we are now proud to show to you...

in different positions.

The sirens of the rock.

These maidens lured all sailors to their doom

in ancient history,

though who did what and how,

has forever been a mystery.

Right, let's go in.

Good evening, Rector.

Evening, Bodkin. What's going on?

It's just a travelling show to amuse the lads.

PATRON:
Get 'em off!

The vestal virgins of old Rome,

who from their birth were taught

to stay forever pure and chaste,

but never to get caught.

Very instructive. Are those the ones

that were held up on the road the other night?

That's right, Rector. By Big Dick.

(Tuts) Dear, oh, dear. The quicker that villain's

caught the better, eh, Tom?

That's right, sir.

No-one's safe from Big Dick, and that's a fact.

Alas, yes.

The shepherdesses who spend the day

in search of a stray lamb,

and oft would spend most of the night

looking for... a ram.

(Laughter)

A ram!

Look, over there.

The nymphs of the forest.

The maidens of the woodlands,

they hunted for sheer love of it,

were oftentimes called nymphs

because they couldn't get enough of it.

Do you mind?

I see you have strangers in, Bodkin.

Oh, them.

Aye, they've come in from London today.

- He calls himself Dandy Desmond.

- Dandy Desmond?

Perhaps I can get him into the choir.

We're short of a soprano.

And finally, our maids at rest,

so languorous and so sightly,

'tis not the show that tires them so,

but doing it twice nightly.

Twice nightly!

Ha-ha!

You wait here.

Hello, Maggie.

Where have you been?

I didn't see you in church on Sunday.

I'm not surprised, Rector. I wasn't there.

Another meeting of the Purity League.

William, isn't it time you came to church again?

What do you mean, Rector?

I was there last Sunday. I took the collection.

I know. Next Sunday, I want you to bring it back.

Excuse me, gentlemen. Mind if I join you?

By all means, my dear Rector. By all means.

As long as you don't start lecturing us

on the error of our ways.

Have you had any luck with your investigations?

Yes, we have an important clue

as to his identity.

You have? And what is that?

It appears he has a curious marking on his -

if you'll pardon the expression, Reverend -

on his diddler.

Diddler? I don't know what that is.

Well, perhaps a more familiar word for you

would be...

Oh.

- But I fear that won't be of much use to you.

- Why not?

Well, so many folk round here keep poultry.

I don't mean that kind of co...

This is very difficult.

If I may be permitted to speak?

What he means, Rector,

is that he's got a birthmark on his...

Ah!

Now he's got it!

Now I have got it, yes.

But I don't think it's possible

that Jack the woodcutter...

Jack the woodcutter?

He's the only one I know that has a chopper.

A cho... No...

This is ridiculous.

Reverend, do you know the difference

between a man and a woman?

Of course.

Well, that's it, the difference.

It's on his difference.

Oh, yes! Now I understand.

A- ha!

Oh, dear. I hope I haven't said anything

to upset your friend.

- Oh, no. He's going to have a look.

- At what?

At his difference... at his diddler...

Don't start that all over again!

I can't tarry any longer. Duty calls.

- Don't let me detain you, Rector.

- Goodbye, my son.

I will pray for success

to follow up your every endeavour.

And up yours too, Rector.

That's funny.

What's funny?

- It looks like rain.

- Rain?

Outside. You see... No, I didn't mean that.

Well, anything?

Nothing.

I fear this is going to be a long job.

Well, if it is,

it will be easier for me to see, won't it?

(Knock at door)

- Who's there?

A friend, ma'am, come to wish you well.

In this place, I should say so.

Forgive the intrusion, ma'am.

I am the rector of Upper Dencher.

(French accent) Oh, well, um...

do come in, Rector.

Thank you.

I hope I haven't come at an awkward moment.

What? Oh, no, I was just tidying up.

Allow me.

I felt I had to come, ma'am,

after hearing of your terrible experience

at the hands of that ruffian Turpin.

Very kind of you, I'm sure, Rector.

When I think of it, those lovely young ladies

of yours being made to strip half naked...

Oh, I wish I'd been there.

- What?

- To offer my protection.

Oh, yes, of course.

If ever a man deserved to be hanged it's him,

after what he did to me.

Whatsoever a man soweth,

that shall he also reap.

No, he didn't do anything like that.

Just a quotation, ma'am.

Galatians, chapter 6, verse 7.

Oh, yes, of course. Yes.

Also, it seems terrible that with such a definite

clue to his identity, we cannot bring him to book.

Oh? What clue is that?

Oh, dear. You haven't heard?

No, what is it?

Well, it is of a somewhat delicate nature, ma'am.

Oh, I'm sure you can tell me, Rector.

Perhaps if I may whisper?

Really?

How very unusual!

Not that I have had experience of these things,

of course.

Well, I did warn you

it was a somewhat delicate matter.

It is not quite the same as comparing fingerprints

or anything else, is it?

No, indeed. No.

It's also so frustrating

when I almost know for certain who he is.

- You do?

- Oh, yes.

But then, what can I do about it?

Perhaps if I were a woman...

Oh, yes!

I see what you mean.

There's 300 sovereigns for information

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