Carry on Dick Page #4

leading to his apprehension, isn't there?

- That is so, ma'am.

- Then, if I could provide the necessary proof...

What? Oh, no, no.

I couldn't possibly allow you to...

to expose yourself to such an indignity.

I should not be exposing myself, Rector.

- But even so, ma'am...

- Think what a service I'd do for the community.

Yes, perhaps that might be worth the sacrifice.

Of course. Now, who do you think this Turpin is?

At this very moment, ma'am,

he is sitting downstairs.

- Here cometh the first lesson.

- Why? What's going on?

It's what's coming off that matters.

Do you know, I could just manage them two.

Look!

Blimey, I'll be in there all night.

It's working.

Yoo-hoo!

Is anybody there?

Ah, there you are, you little minx.

- Your note, I believe.

- Was it a great surprise to you?

To be frank, my dear, no. I have

what you French call a certain je ne sais quoi.

Yes, and I hope to see it, mon cher.

You shall, my dear, all in good time.

Don't rush me.

I think that two people like us, living in the

same place, should get better acquainted.

Oh, quite definitely. Oui, oui.

What exactly did you have in mind?

I was about to have a bath.

Perhaps you will join me.

If it's all the same to you, I'll...

A bath together, you mean?

You English say such very naughty things!

Let me help you off with your things.

Certainly not. What an outrageous suggestion!

- But am I not a desirable woman?

- Yes...

Let's take off your breeches

and have a paddle with me.

What a disgraceful suggestion!

Certainly not. You're mad!

Girls!

- Girls!

- Are you out of your mind?

The gentleman

needs some assistance to disrobe.

No! No! No!

Get 'em off, girls!

Madam!

STRAPP:
No, please!

Get off me! Sorry, I beg your pardon.

Look, you've got it all wrong.

I'm not a Peeping Tom!

You don't understand.

I was on there on business!

Look, I...

Ow! Get off! Mother!

What are you playing at?

Leave me alone! Get off!

Let's go.

He who covets another man's weapon

shall himself be smitten.

Isaiah?

No, the Reverend Flasher.

(Church bells ring)

(Dress fastenings twang)

Ooh!

- Ooh, Rector. Sorry.

- Don't apologise.

Tom, you'd better pump the organ today.

Have we got enough out there

for a good collection?

I'll just pop out and see.

If you pop out any more,

we'll have standing room only.

CONGREGATION:
Amen.

As I look round my little flock this beautiful day,

I cannot help but be struck by the thought

that seldom under one roof can there

have been gathered such a fine collection...

of thieves and fornicators.

Oh, yes.

You may well look guilty and ashamed,

all of you.

What has become of

the priceless gift of virginity?

Gone.

What has become of

the promised sanctity of marriage?

Gone.

If there is one man, just one man amongst you,

who can say in all truthfulness that within

the past week he has not committed adultery,

then he may leave this church now

and go with my blessing.

Ah... we have at least one good man with us.

Well done, Brother Bodkin.

It's not that, Rector. You just reminded me

where I left my hat last night.

(Riotous laughter)

RECTOR:
Bye-bye.

CHURCHGOER:
Bye-bye.

- Bye.

Thank you, Rector,

for a most interesting sermon.

Thank you, ma'am. One can but sow the seed

and pray that it will bear fruit.

Oh, but of course.

I must tell you that the man

you suspect of being Dick Turpin,

I'm afraid we did not succeed

in getting a look at his er...

you know.

Oh, well, ma'am, no matter.

I've since learned that he doesn't have one.

Oh, dear, the poor man!

- Birthmark, I mean.

- Oh, I see.

Good day, ma'am.

I should advise caution in your dealings

with that woman, Rector.

Oh? How so?

She is, not to put too fine a point on it,

a shameless doxy.

Oh, I'm afraid you misjudge her, sir.

Misjudge her? The minute I entered her room,

she asked me to bath with her.

Perhaps she wanted to show you

the beauties of that fair city.

Not that Bath!

But you're not far from the truth.

I know what beauties she wanted to show me.

(Tuts) That is terrible, terrible.

Tell me, did you er...

Certainly not! I came here for one thing

and one thing only...

That is what I was asking you. Did you?

...to apprehend this rogue Turpin.

Ah, yes, of course.

I shall pray for your success in that venture, sir.

Don't worry, Rector.

I'll have him on the end of a rope's end,

or my name's not Desmond Fancey.

He'll have to go.

I think that covers it, Sergeant.

"Have important clue to identity of Turpin.

Investigation proceeding."

Sounds all right, Captain.

Get it off to the chief right away.

I often wonder what chance crime has against

the modern scientific methods at our disposal.

None, sir, none.

It seems incredible that that message

will be in London this time tomorrow morning.

It's like a miracle, sir.

Well, get it off, then.

Look out, sir!

(Splat)

Oh! Filthy beast! Give me a bit of paper.

Don't be silly,

that pigeon will be miles away by now.

Oh, yes.

Stop!

If you value your lives, don't make a move.

- What do you want?

- The one who calls himself Dandy Desmond.

BOTH:
That's him.

- Which one of you is looking for Big Dick?

BOTH:
He is!

What do you want with him? Speak up,

or would you rather a shot through your guts?

You heard the man. Tell him.

We know where we can get our hands

on a great deal of money, you see.

That's right. A fortune!

The job is a little big for just the two of us.

- Much too big!

- We thought he might like to join us.

That's right. Share!

What exactly is this job?

Well, it's...

We'll not discuss it with anyone

but Big Dick personally.

Personally.

Very well. Be on the London Road

at ten o'clock tonight,

four miles out by the blasted oak.

- We'll be there.

- Come armed and wear these.

What about that?

I've tricked him. He's fallen right into my trap.

Your trap?

Don't you see? He'll meet me face to face.

Well, well. And I suppose I had nothing

whatsoever to do with it?

Nothing. I have the sweet smell of success.

I'm glad about that.

I thought it was the pigeon.

Hello, Bodkin.

What have they got you in there for, eh?

I got involved in a fight with Katy's husband.

It was bad luck.

- What do you mean, bad luck?

- He found my hat before I could get back there.

Too much of a gentleman, you are.

Next time, keep your hat on.

You rotten so-and-so! Get out of it!

I shall get my own back.

I shall piss in your ale!

(Laughter and whooping)

Ahem! Afternoon, Constable.

What, eh?

- Are you busy, then?

- No... no, of course I'm not.

Good, I wanted to have a word with you.

Shall I come in?

No... I'll er... come out there.

Get off.

Well?

- You forgot to lock it.

- That's all right. Katy's not a prisoner.

She's come in here to make a complaint,

you see.

(Coughs and wheezes)

- Her husband beat her up.

- Oh, I see.

Well, she was showing me how he did it.

Yeah, I saw that as well.

Would you mind telling me what it is you want,

please? I'm in a hurry.

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