Carry on Dick Page #5

Yes... what was it, now?

I know it was something important.

Oh, for pity's sake!

- I've got it.

- So have I.

I do hear as how you're after

this Dick Turpin fellow. Is that right?

Of course we are. What about it?

If you're out on the London Road

ten o'clock tonight, by the old blasted oak...

Ten o'clock by the blasted oak.

Here they come.

Right on time.

This looks like the place.

That's not a blasted oak, it's a bloody yew.

No, that one there, sir.

Oh, that one. I see.

Mask.

- It's me! Put your mask on, sir.

- Oh, yes.

(Rumble of carriage wheels)

That should be the constable.

- I hear something.

- What?

I said I think I hear something coming!

- I know what you said, but what?

- It sounds like a coach.

Why would he be in a coach?

It's bang on ten o'clock, so it must be him.

All right, don't panic.

- Pistol.

- What? I haven't had a drop.

- No, sir. Pistol.

- Oh, pistol. Yes.

Get ready, lads. We're coming up to it now.

You wait here. I'll get in position.

Stand and deliver!

That's him! Get 'em, lads!

What do you think you're doing?!

STRAPP:
Leave me alone!

STRAPP:
Get your hands off me immediately!

FANCEY:
You have no right to behave like this!

All right, Turpin, the game's up.

- You might just as well come quietly.

- I'm not Turpin!

Oh, no, of course not.

I am... I am Captain Fancey

of the Bow Street runners.

And I'm Titania, Queen of all the Fairies.

(Jeers and laughter)

Right, back to business.

(Cock crows)

Ah.

It's after ten o'clock, sir.

Goodness gracious me.

I feel as if I've been up all night.

- You have, sir.

- Pardon?

You didn't get in until

after two o'clock this morning.

Was it that late? I had no idea.

No matter. As long as you got what you wanted.

What do you mean by that, Miss Hoggett?

You went to Squire Trelawney's to get

donations for the church sale tomorrow.

Of course I did.

Even so, I was surprised it took you so long.

Well, I did drop in to see old Mrs Giles.

She's very poorly, I'm afraid.

Oh, can it be wondered at?

Her husband treats her shamefully, I hear.

You'd never believe he was once a knight.

(Tuts) It's too much for a woman of that age.

Speaking of that, sir,

I think you ought to do something

about Harriet soon.

In what way, Miss Hoggett?

Well, she was very late in again last night,

only two minutes before you.

I think she's up to no good.

I'm sure there's some

quite innocent explanation.

Well, I'm not.

And I discovered, quite by chance, of course,

quite a large amount of money hidden away

in the drawer in her room.

Really?

Yes! Now, I don't know where she's getting it,

but I'm sure she's not getting it from you.

You're dead right...

You're quite right, Miss Hoggett, I'm afraid.

I'll have a serious talk with her.

Oh, by the way,

news came through from the constable.

They've caught Dick Turpin!

Well!

That really is wonderful news.

Now all innocent,

God-fearing people can travel about in safety.

(Jeering and laughter)

Stop it, you hear? You don't know who I am.

I'll have you all arrested!

Go away! Leave me alone!

Oh, it's humiliating! Ooh!

It's a waste of good food, an' all.

Is that all you can say

after getting me into this predicament?

Me?! What did I do?

Nothing! Couldn't you see

we were being led into a trap?

Excuse me, but I was distinctly under the

impression that they were walking into your trap.

If you can't talk sense, shut your trap.

If the chief could see me now.

Oh, stop it! Go away!

Get off home!

Urgent message from the parish constable

at Upper Dencher, sir.

Right, give it here.

Stone the crows!

- 'Od's teeth! What is it?

- Urgent message just come in, sir.

Can't you deal with it? I'm very busy.

It says they've caught Turpin, sir.

What?!

Let me see that.

Step me sidewards, it's true!

Did Captain Fancey have anything to do with it?

No, sir, not that I know of.

That doesn't surprise me.

Tell your constable I shall come myself.

- I'll order your coach, sir.

- No, not yet.

I have a bit of business to clear up here. I shall

travel overnight and be with him in the morning.

(Knock at door)

- Yes, Miss Hoggett?

- I have Harriet here, sir.

- Oh, yes, the talk.

- Bring her right in, please.

- Come along, Harriet. The Rector wants a word.

Miss Hoggett,

I think it would be better if you left us.

I may have to say things that could prove

shocking to anyone of your gentle upbringing.

Oh... very well, sir.

Thank you.

You old rogue!

She's listening.

(Clears throat)

Now, Harriet,

I must have a very serious talk with you.

Ooh, yes, sir!

I am very shocked to hear from Miss Hoggett

that you have been staying out late

on several occasions.

- Is this true?

- I cannot tell a lie, sir.

I have been a bad girl.

It must stop right away, do you hear?

Oh, but, sir, you see, I cannot help myself.

Something gets the better of me.

Then you must fight the good fight,

fight against it. Get thee behind me, Satan.

Anything you say, sir.

You must learn to resist the temptations

of the flesh and fight against the devil, and...

when he beckons most strongly

and the flame of purity burns at its weakest.

Oh, I will try, sir. I promise you.

Now is the time to cry, "Enough!"

From now on, I swear I'll be a good girl.

Oh, very good.

It is not enough to say that you will be good.

Deeds are more powerful than words.

The temptation to sin is forever with us.

You've got to get on top of it!

I am on top of it now. I'm sure of that, sir.

Get off, you little devil.

No, I might not get another chance like this.

Want a bet?

Oh, sir, all I want is your forgiveness.

Give it to me. Please, give it to me!

I wish I had the time.

First you must prove yourself

by stopping what you're doing.

Aagh! Become once again

in thought and deed...

(Aside) Get off...

Get off the road to ruin and let go...

(Aside) Let go, you little...

Let go the devil and his ways. Stop!

Thank you, Miss Hoggett.

I feel much better now.

Rector?

Oh, Rector. Are you all right?

Oh, yes, thank you, Miss Hoggett.

It's always so distressing to me,

a scene like that.

Poor girl.

Don't waste any pity on her, sir.

She was more than ready for it.

How right you are, Miss Hoggett.

How very right.

Oh, Rector,

I can't bear to see you unhappy like this.

Thank you, Miss Hoggett.

- Oh, no, not again!

- Let me comfort you. There, there.

Well, I still don't see why

I have to come with you.

I thought you would enjoy seeing the wretch who

stripped us of all our belongings behind bars.

It's reassuring

it can never happen again, certainly.

Exactly, my dear.

Halt! Stand and deliver!

- What the devil's going on?

- Everybody out.

Oh, no. It can't be!

All right, Tom. Stable 'em.

Right-o.

You did very well tonight, Harriet.

Oh, thank you, sir.

I must say, it is a pleasure working for you.

You're a good girl.

You don't want to believe

everything you read in my references.

Don't tell me a nice young girl like you

has strayed from the primrose path.

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