Carry on Dick Page #6

- Oh, no, it was indoors.

- I hope it was only once.

I don't know.

Nobody ever taught me how to count proper.

- Well, we'll have to do something about that.

- Will you teach me, sir?

- I'd be very happy to.

- To count right up to a hundred?

Well... up to three, for a start.

Three... How many's that?

Well, for instance...

that's one... and that's one, too.

Well, I know that.

No, we'll start again. Hang on.

That's one... and one makes two.

Yes?

And two and one makes three.

Ooh, that's lovely. Show me again.

- With pleasure.

- Who's that down there?

It's all right, Miss Hoggett, it's only me.

You nip off to bed

and don't forget to say your prayers.

What for? I never seem to get what I ask for.

Have patience.

Oh, Miss Hoggett,

you shouldn't have waited up for me.

I was worried about you, Rector.

I didn't know where you'd got to.

I didn't get anywhere, I'm afraid.

- But it's after midnight!

- Is it?

Well, I stopped by with old Mrs Giles.

She's failing fast, I fear.

Oh, sir, again?

You give far too much of your time

to people in need, I fear.

Well, you know what the Good Book says,

"Tis better to give than receive."

What you need, sir, is someone by your side,

to comfort you, share life's burdens.

Warm you, if needs be.

Oh, I don't know, Miss Hoggett.

I do have my warming pan, you know.

Yes, but where would you be

without me to put it in for you?

Eh? Oh, yes, Miss Hoggett.

I must say, you are an admirable housekeeper

and I don't know what I should do without you.

But a housekeeper is more limited in ways

she can be of service than say... a wife.

True... True, Miss Hoggett.

I think it's time I got to my warming pan.

Oh, sir, don't you see what I'm trying to tell you?

Sir, for ten years now,

I've run your house for you,

looked after you, cooked for you...

And I am most grateful, Miss Hoggett.

...nursed you when you were ill, helped you with

your work and been at your beck and call.

And I appreciate it, Miss Hoggett.

Miss Hoggett, yes. "Thank you very much,

Miss Hoggett. Three bags full, Miss Hoggett."

Do you think that's all I want in exchange?

- Well, I do reimburse you adequately.

- But I'm a woman with all a woman's needs.

I want more than that, much more!

I don't understand it, Miss Hoggett.

If you're not happy here...

Oh, but I am! There's no-one else for me,

no-one. I'll serve you till the end of my days.

But it's only natural

I should want something more.

Shall we talk about this in the morning?

Good night!

I may be wrong, but I think she's after a rise.

I must say, it's wonderful of people to part with

such valuable-looking items in these hard times.

Sometimes they do need a little persuading.

- Dashed if I could afford to give a coat like that.

- Oh, Squire, you're one of our chief benefactors.

I, ma'am? I've not given a damn thing.

- No-one's asked me to.

- But I understood from the Rector...

I think that we ought to let them in now.

Excuse me.

(Shouting)

- I'd like this horn.

- You've got one.

Mrs Giles, I'm so pleased to see

you've recovered from your indisposition.

What indisposition?

There's nothing wrong with me.

But the Rector said

you were confined to your bed.

(Cackles)

Here, stop that, you old devil.

But the Rector said you were sinking fast.

What, me? Oh, dear, no. Come on.

MRS GILES:
No, no.

- It looks like another big success.

- Not surprising.

Where else could you get a fur coat

and a silk dress for a few shillings?

Don't ask me. I'm only a poor rector.

I've saved a little something for you.

- For me? What for?

- For being a good girl.

Ooh!

If this is what I get for being a good girl,

just think what I could get being a bad one.

You'll find out one day.

Promises, promises.

If it goes on like this,

we'll be sold out within the hour.

We'll have to start another collection

straightaway, won't we?

Faster!

Go on, man!

Go on!

- I don't like the look of that.

- We did that one last night.

- And the week before.

- He's probably off to the parish constable.

- That's what I'm afraid of.

- Shall I go and see what happens?

Good idea. Go on. Get changed first.

Go with her.

Whoa!

Oooh. Sorry.

I was just having my grub.

Look lively, will you?

It's the chief of the runners.

Gawd have mercy!

- Welcome, sir...

- Close that damn door!

And give us something to cover ourselves with.

Hang on a minute.

Oh, dear!

Coming, sir!

Here you are, sir.

And something for the lady, too.

What a funny way to travel.

You stay there, my dear.

- Are you the parish constable?

- That's right, sir.

So, you're the fellow that claims

to have caught Turpin.

Yes, sir. And his mate, too, sir.

I caught 'em red-handed, I did, sir.

Really? May I see them?

Of course, sir. Right this way, sir.

That's them, sir.

I knew it!

I knew it!

All right. All right.

Captain, in all my experience, I can say I've

never heard of such blind, blundering stupidity.

I agree. I thought Turpin

would behave more cleverly than that.

I mean your stupidity!

Has it not occurred to you that the man who told

you where to meet him last night was Turpin?

FANCEY:
No, sir, no!

Between you and me,

I think our presence here scared him off.

I'll wager he's across the border by now.

It might interest you to know

the man who was so scared by you

last night robbed us of

everything we've damn well got!

He took my most treasured possession.

Come, milady. Surely that went long ago.

My mother's bracelet.

'Ere, you stay here, and I'll try and get

near enough to hear what they're saying.

SIR ROGER:

All you're giving me is excuses.

I've heard it all before, Fancey.

Believe me, Sir Roger,

I know how these villains work...

Ah, good day to you, sir.

As far as I'm concerned,

we're back where we started.

All this talk about Big Dick!

I've had enough of it.

Stap me vitals!

- What's the matter with you?

- Over there. It's him.

STRAPP:
Who?

The man. The man who tricked you last night.

The man who tricked me... That was you!

- Never mind about that. Are you sure?

- Yes, sir. Positive.

Right, I'll take charge.

Constable, Sergeant, cover the door.

Right, sir.

At the double, you. Hurry up.

TOM:
Look out!

SIR ROGER:
After him!

Oh... excuse me.

Don't let him get away, girls!

Aagh!

MADAME DESIREE:
Get out!

(Clattering)

- Stay exactly where you are!

- 'Ere, what's going on?

Don't be alarmed, ladies. You're about to

witness the capture of the notorious Dick Turpin.

- Are you?

- Afraid not. They've made a mistake.

- You're quite sure it's him, Fancey?

- Quite sure, sir.

You'll have a job proving it.

As it happens, I won't. He has a very distinctive

birthmark, sir, in a rather unusual place.

- Oh? Where?

- Er, he's not called Big Dick for nothing, sir.

Egad! You mean it's on his...

With your permission, sir?

By all means. Carry on, Fancey.

You, sir! Take your clothes off.

Right!

Would you ladies mind retiring

into the next room?

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