Carry on Dick Page #7

Come on, my little doxies.

Come on. Whoa-ho!

All right, carry on.

You're making a big mistake, you know.

I don't think so.

Well, all right, then.

That's enough!

They're real. Feel 'em.

That won't be necessary.

Well, Fancey?

It's... it's a woman, sir.

Brilliant! A masterpiece of deduction, you

blithering jackass! I'll have your hide for this.

But, sir, he could still... she could still be

Dick Turpin, couldn't she?

Yes? And where's your precious birthmark?

And where's the thing it's supposed to be on?

I've just realised.

She's the Rector's housemaid, sir.

The Rector's housemaid!

That's all I needed to hear!

Wait till the Rector hears about this.

No. I'd prefer that

you didn't mention this to anyone.

What in heaven's name is going on here?

Oh!

My bracelet!

What?!

'Od's blood, so it is!

I told you she was something to do with it.

I told you!

Hold her, Constable!

Good man. Take her away and lock her up.

Come on, my girl.

I'm going to have you in the lockup.

Most successful, Miss Hoggett.

How much did we make?

Rector, I must talk to you.

Yes, what is it, Miss Hoggett?

Rector, I've always been loyal

and honest with you, haven't I?

Yes, of course, Miss Hoggett.

Then why should you lie to me?

- You, of all people.

- Lie to you?

Yes. You said you'd gone to visit

Squire Trelawney the other night.

But you didn't. And Mrs Giles.

Oh, yes, well, I did tell you a little white lie,

Miss Hoggett.

Why? Why should you do such a thing to me?

It's another woman, isn't it?

I must know. Tell me, is it?

- Miss Hoggett, please.

- It is! I knew it!

Oh, how could you?

After all the love and attention

I've lavished on you...

playing your organ?

Rector, Rector!

(Sobs) Ohh...

- Excuse me.

- Yes, Tom, what is it?

Bad news, I'm afraid. Damn and blast it!

- Oh!

- Tom, Tom. (Tuts)

No news is so bad

that it merits the use of a cuss word,

particularly in front of Miss Hoggett.

Sorry, Rector, but they've got Harriet.

Bloody hell!

All right. All right.

No point in your staying in this wretched place,

my dear. You go on back to London.

But why can you not accompany me?

I wish I could, dear heart.

But I fear I cannot trust that fool Fancey to bring

this business to a successful conclusion.

Be it so.

Your servant, ma'am.

Your Lordship, are you not returning to London?

I could not, ma'am.

I wanted to see more of you.

Oh, sir, after helping me out of that bath,

there is little more to see.

Yes, but one doesn't view

a luscious ripe peach

without wanting to sink one's teeth into it.

A peach? Is that not

what you English play cricket on?

No, ma'am. Though I must confess,

I'd relish an innings with you.

I do not play the game, sir.

Well, ma'am, perhaps if we went somewhere

a little more private, I could teach you.

Mon Dieu! Who do you think I am?

A damned attractive cockney wench

with an absurdly bogus French accent.

All right. And I know what a peach is.

But it doesn't mean I'm easy to pluck.

I'm a very wealthy man.

And influential at court.

Well, in that case...

Perhaps we should go somewhere more private.

No!

It's no good, sir. I can't get any sense out of her.

Leave it to me.

I know how to handle this baggage.

Now, look here, my girl.

Come along. We know very well

you're a member of Big Dick's gang.

Then why do you keep asking me?

Where can we find Dick?

Search me. I've been living here for ten years

and I've never found any.

We have ways of making you talk.

Torture? That's against the law nowadays.

You're a comely wench.

There's nothing to stop me

forcing my attentions on you.

Promises, promises!

Get off! She's incorrigible!

Let me out!

- Are you all right, sir?

- Dreadful creature.

(Knock at door)

Yes?

It's the Rector. He wants to see the Captain.

All right, well, show him in.

So it's true.

Harriet, what have you done?

- It's no good. You won't get a word out of her.

- What is her crime?

This may come as a bit of a shock, but she's

suspected of being a member of Turpin's gang.

I cannot believe it.

Captain, let me take her home.

I'm sure I can get at the truth.

Impossible.

She is the sprat to catch the mackerel.

What do you mean?

I have your word that you'll keep this plan

strictly to yourself?

Yes, of course.

Well, let us suppose that you were Dick Turpin.

What?

A ridiculous supposition, I know.

Absurd.

Yes, but if you were, and you learned

of her arrest, what would you do?

I would try to rescue her.

- Exactly.

- And how would you stop me from doing so?

I have men all round the house.

You'd get in, all right, but you'd never get out.

In that case, Captain, I'm very glad I'm not him.

I would hate to pit my wits

against a man of your brilliance.

(Laughter and chatter)

It's right enough what the Captain says.

The constable's got his men all round the house.

No wonder His Lordship looks so happy.

There must be some way

we can get her out of there.

It'll take a bit of doing.

Come on, lads, settle down nice and quiet.

Once again, it's my very great pleasure

to introduce Madame Desiree

and her Oizy-ecks dez Paradiss.

(Cheering)

I've got it.

Come on.

The glories of all women,

their charms and their traditions,

we are now proud to show to you,

in different positions.

(Cheering and applause)

The maidens of the woodlands,

they hunted for sheer love of it,

were oftentimes called nymphs

because they couldn't get... enough of it.

(Laughter)

The vestal virgins of old Rome,

who from their birth were taught

to stay forever pure and chaste,

but never to get caught.

(Laughter and applause)

And finally, our maids at rest

in languorous sleep so sightly,

'tis not the show that tires them so,

but doing it twice nightly.

Bottle of rum, please, ducks.

Certainly, ladies.

Thank you.

(Knock at door)

Someone's coming, Captain.

Right... Move out of sight until they come in.

Give me that!

- Just a minute, dear.

- Get off!

Captain?

Captain?

Captain Fancey?

STRAPP:
Don't move!

- Ooh, you did give us a shock.

- Who are you?

- And what are you doing here?

- His Lordship sent us with a bottle.

How very thoughtful of him.

He said to stay and keep you company for a bit.

- Well, I could do with a bit.

- Saucy!

- All right, Constable, you can leave us now.

- All right, sir.

You're not exactly a couple of fillies, are you?

DICK:
A gentleman of taste.

- We'll have a few noggins to loosen things up.

DICK:
Lovely...

Here...

Is that the one that's supposed

to belong to Turpin's gang?

That's right, love.

Fancy, her a highwayman.

Ain't you afraid she'll get away?

No chance of that.

If you got too near the bars, she could reach

through and grab you from behind, couldn't she?

Come over here, my dear.

Yes, sweetheart.

What's your name, my little pretty one?

- Bridgette.

- Oh, Bridgette?

Most of the fellas call me Bridge.

Bridge? Why?

Because I come across.

Get off me!

- There you are, my dear.

- Oh, ta.

And what might your pretty little name be?

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