Carry on Dick Page #8

Well, darling, you can call me... Big Dick.

And what a pret... What?

Put 'em up! Come on.

- Harriet.

- What are you doing?

- What do you want?

- Get over to that door, come on.

Do what I tell you.

FANCEY:
Constable!

Yes, Captain?

Go over to the inn

and fetch us another bottle of rum.

- What, already?

- Don't argue, now!

All right, Captain.

All right for some.

- What did you come for?

- You know. Get your clothes off.

- What?!

- You heard. Get 'em off.

(Cackles)

- Hey, Bodkin.

- Sir?

Another bottle of rum for the Captain.

What the devil?

Excuse me, Nell.

Constable! You're supposed to be on guard.

I know, sir, but the Captain sent me across

for another bottle, sir.

Another bottle? What the blazes for?

They must have finished the one

what you sent 'em, sir.

The one I sent them?

What are you talking about?

You know, sir, the one you sent

them two old women across with, sir.

Two old women? What do you mean?

Didn't you, sir?

I... I've been nobbled.

Oh! Oh, woe! Woe!

- Come on!

- I'm a silly old constable, sir.

Come along, Capty.

Who's had too much to drink, then?

He has.

Who's going to be icky-dicky in the morning?

(Muffled groans)

Oh... no!

(Moaning)

(Church bells ring)

- Well?

- Nothing definite, I'm afraid, sir.

One of the constable's men

did see the women leave last night

with someone they thought was me.

And you know who that was, of course?

It wasn't me, sir. I'm pretty sure of that.

I'm talking about the two women, you fool!

There was something familiar

about one of those women.

I could've sworn we'd met before somewhere.

It was Turpin, you blasted oaf!

Who else would bother rescuing the girl?

- I had considered that possibility, sir.

- Oh, my God.

I don't understand it.

He must have known about the trap we set.

How? Did you tell anyone?

What? Oh, certainly not, sir!

- Except the Rector.

- Oh, the Rector. Yes, well, him.

- Are you certain you told no-one else?

- I'm positive, sir.

What is it, sir?

Where did you get that cloak from?

I lost all mine. The landlord kindly lent me his.

Pretty awful, I know.

- It's mine!

- Oh, I don't think so, sir.

He told me he got it at the church sale.

Church sale?

- Do you suppose it's possible?

- I was just thinking the same thing, sir.

Of course!

That's who the woman reminded me of.

Who?

The old Rector.

So similar, it could almost have been him.

And you told him

about our plan to catch Turpin?

Yes, that's right, I...

Oh!

I'll deal with you later.

Strapp, go to the constable

and get all the men he has!

- And meet me at the church.

- Yes, sir.

You know, I suspected him

right from the beginning.

I said... Oh, they've gone.

The text for my sermon today

comes from the book of Numbers.

"Be sure your sins will find you out."

It astonishes me you come here Sunday after

Sunday and look me in the eye without shame,

me, your spiritual and moral leader.

Me, whose only sin has been to let you

continue in these sinful ways.

(Rattle of carriage wheels)

- I tell you now...

(Clears throat)

Where was I? Oh, yes.

Now I will tell you...

...the Day of Judgment is nigh.

Yes, indeed, I can say that again.

Yes, sinners.

The agents of retribution are all around us.

He's in the middle of the service, sir.

- Good, then we have him.

- May I, sir?

Certainly not, Captain! Have you no respect?

We must let him finish it.

Constable, how many exits from this church?

Just that one, sir, and the one in the vestry, sir.

Right, you and your men cover that.

We'll take this.

Even now they are getting closer.

And so, my friends, it seems that

we have a bit of a problem on our hands.

Believe me, we have.

"Ooh," you might say to yourselves,

"I am quite safe in this place.

Nobody would touch me here, would they?"

Praise be to heaven, you're right.

But what will happen after this service is over

and you have to leave this sanctuary?

We will now sing hymn 202.

O God, Our Help In Ages Past.

(Organ starts playing)

You saw?

- Yeah.

- We've got to get out of here.

- This way?

- No, they could never be that stupid.

Or could they?

Hang on.

Bless you, my children.

See what I mean?

- I think we've had it.

- Never!

Harriet's still hiding in the crypt.

Tell her what's happened and bring her up here.

# Beneath the shadow of our...

(Organ runs down)

(Bellows wheeze)

# Beneath the shadow of thy throne

# Thy saints...

# Sufficient is thine arm alone

(Organ runs down)

(Bellows wheeze)

Oh, blimey!

Is this the best you can do,

on this, the day of retribution?

We'll try it again and this time give.

Hymn 202...

O God, Our Help!

- What are we going to do?

- Quick, get in there.

# O God, our help in ages past

There we go.

Still here, gentlemen?

Sorry, Rector, but...

I've been ordered to arrest you.

- But the service isn't over yet.

- Oh, well...

I'm just about to say my final prayer.

Oh, well, in that case...

Would you care to join me?

Come in. Come along.

Come right in.

Come along.

There you are.

Kneel, please, gentlemen.

Over here, please.

(Organ runs down)

(Bellows splutter and wheeze)

Oh, dear.

# And our defence is sure

Thank you.

Bless these my children.

Give them the strength to carry out their duties,

and for what they are about to receive,

may they be truly grateful.

Amen.

Tie 'em up. Come on, let's get out of here.

# Amen

Oh, blimey. Get on with it. I'll be back.

To say that I am disappointed is to put it mildly.

Has everybody given?

- Aye, Rector.

- Those gentlemen at the back?

No, I didn't go to them.

Then do so.

During this collection we will sing hymn 202,

O God, Our Help.

# O God, our help in ages past

# Our hope for years to come

Well done, boys.

Sorry, Harriet.

I think we'll borrow His Lordship's coat.

Tom, go and persuade the coachman.

Very good, Rector.

# Beneath the shadow...

(Organ runs down)

(Bellows hiss)

- There's something funny going on.

- I was just going to say the same thing.

I don't like it. Strapp, go to the vestry

and see if everything's in order.

- Any sign of Tom yet?

- I'll have a look.

Constable!

Constable!

Look out! The Sergeant's coming!

Oh, no!

Up the belfry, quick!

Where the hell have they got to?

Hang on. This will fix him.

Right.

DICK:
Help, help!

Help!

He's coming.

Get ready.

Now!

(Bells peal)

(Confused singing amidst din)

I'll bet he's saying, "Bells to all this!"

You hang on here a minute.

Come on.

Fire! Fire!

(Confused shouting)

Everybody out! Run!

Give me the money.

Help!

(Shouting)

Come on, hurry! Hurry!

Out of the way! Out of my way!

TOM:
Come on, get up there.

Up! Come on, boys.

Without bleeding doubt,

you are the most useless...

(Bong! Bong!)

...that ever drew (Bong) breath.

Ooh!

You're safe now, Rector. We're over the border.

HIGHWAYMAN:
Halt!

- Whoa!

- Stand and deliver!

That's just what I was about to do.

And about time, too!

(Both cackle)

(Highwayman guffaws)

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