Carry on Doctor

---

Dear friends!

It's thinking. Think it!

It's all in here.

The triumph of mind over matter.

What is mind? No matter.

What is matter? Never mind.

It's thinking. It's thinking that counts.

That's the secret,

your way to health and to happiness.

Now, my friends,

I want you to look at this woman.

You won't believe this,

but for many years this poor creature

has suffered from loss of hearing,

or, in technical terms,

Mutt and Jeffness.

Medicine could do nothing for her.

The doctors gave her up.

That's right, dear, isn't it?

That's right, dear. Chloe!

They gave you up!

Yes.

It's not surprising.

- But...

- For years I had suffered from loss of hearing.

The doctors could do nothing for me.

I did not know which way to turn.

That's right, dear, yes.

Till one day, I had the good fortune

to meet Mr Bigger.

It was he who taught me the power of thought.

He showed me

that the mind was stronger than the body.

That is enough!

And now...

while my assistant passes amongst you

with the collection box...

Purely travelling expenses, of course.

No cheques, please. Just notes.

I will deliver my final message.

You will be amazed!

Look at me. I don't need doctors,

I don't need medicine,

and nor will you

if you'll just think:

"Nothing.

Nothing can happen to me. "

And believe me,

nothing will.

Oh!

Hurts, does it, sir?

Oh, no,

I'm just doing this to while away the journey.

Oh, no!

Oh!

Argh! Urgh!

Blimey, he's in a hurry!

Come on.

Just a quick one while Sister's out of the ward.

No, Mr Roper.

Dr Tinkle says it's not good for you.

- But I've been smoking for years.

- No!

- Well, give us a kiss, then.

- Certainly not!

That's even worse for you.

- What am I going to do, then?

- You can take your medicine.

I bet you can too.

Not again.

I've never known a bloke go as much as you.

You're just jealous cos you can't.

Fosdick Ward, Nurse Clarke. Bed three.

- Yes, Sister.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute!

Aren't I going to see a doctor?

All in good time, Mr Bigger. We must get

our clothes off and get into bed first, mustn't we?

We?

Madam, I have an affliction!

That will do, Nurse.

Sister's coming!

Evening, Sister.

All right. Onto the bed, please, Mr Bigger.

I can't. Every movement is agony!

Come along, come along.

We mustn't be a baby, must we?

We must be a big, brave boy.

How can I be a big, brave boy?

I've got a painsy-wainsy in my botty-wotty!

Come along, now.

Well... Mind. Will you...

Oh! Don't...

Leave it alone, I'll do it myself!

There. More comfortable?

No.

Oi, there's something moving about under my...

Oh! It's trying to...

He's on my hand, Sister.

Oh, thank goodness for that.

I thought I was being got at by something.

I'll try and find Matron. Get his things off, Nurse.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute! I don't want my things off!

Don't get Matron. I'm not having my...

What are you doing that for?

Look, I'm not being exposed by you.

So now, then.

Mr Biddle.

Ah, evening, Matron.

What are you doing out of your ward, Mr Biddle?

I've just been to the whatnot.

I'm allowed to go myself now. Sister said so.

That's right, Matron, but within reason.

This is the third time in an hour.

Sorry.

I didn't know anybody was keeping the score.

I think we'd better have a look

at Mr Biddle's bladder, Sister.

Oh, no, it wasn't that. It was the other.

I wanted to go, so I went,

but... I couldn't.

Oh, I see. Then we must try and make it easier

for you, Mr Biddle.

Double the dose in future, Sister.

Oh, no!

Back to your ward. Hurry along.

Oh! You might have cut your nails.

Well, will you take them off, then?

No, I will not. Don't you dare!

Oh, now, don't be a silly boy.

Look, if I let you,

would that make me a sensible one?

What's going on here, Nurse?

Sister, he won't let me

take his underpants off, the silly boy.

You're darn right I won't.

And I'm not a boy, as you'd soon find out.

Come now, Mr Bigger.

We don't want to lie in our nice, comfortable bed

with our nasty old pants on, do we now?

Madam, what you do in your bed

is your own affair.

Mr Bigger,

all patients must wear pyjamas or a bed gown.

Look, I don't care about that.

I'm not letting her take them off.

I mean, her a mere chit of a girl

and me a fully matured male animal.

- Mr Bigger...

- All right, Sister, that's quite enough.

I'll handle this.

I don't suppose you regard me as

a mere chit of a girl, Mr Bigger.

Well, you said it.

Very well, then.

What...

Argh!

Oy!

That wasn't so bad, was it?

Well,

they were a present.

I can understand your reluctance

to part with them.

All right, Nurse, put his bed gown on.

lunderstand you are suffering

from an acute pain in the region of the posterior.

Ooh, yes. Not half I am.

- Yes.

- Could you be a little more specific, Mr Bigger?

Where exactly is it?

It's in the same place

as everybody else's posterior, including yours.

I was referring to the pain.

All right. It's down here.

There's... Ohh!

No, that's far enough!

I'll take it from there, cheeky.

Has the houseman seen him yet?

- No, Matron.

- Why not?

Who's on duty this evening?

- Oh, Dr Kilmore, Matron.

That explains it.

Would you like me to go and fetch him, Matron?

You may as well. It's the best we can do

until Dr Tinkle sees him tomorrow.

I want the best treatment, you know.

No experiments.

I'm not a guinea pig.

Oh, I agree, Mr Bigger.

More like a hamster.

Oh!

Have you been smoking, Mr Roper?

And so a great hospital

swings into action.

Its doctors, nurses and orderlies

working round the clock,

calmly, coolly and efficiently

to relieve the suffering of others.

Dedicated,

and apparently without any emotions.

But as any television viewer knows,

appearances can be deceptive.

Yes, as in all hospitals,

there is high drama beneath the placid surface.

As in all humans,

a thousand passions and loves

surge and tremble

beneath the bed gowns,

the white jackets, and the starched bosoms.

Oh dear, I must

try and control my feelings when I see him.

Please, please don't let me blush.

I can't think of anything

more perfect than the night, and you.

And me.

God, but you look absolutely stunning tonight.

Breathlessly beautiful.

I've never seen such a lovely...

Not bad.

Not bad at all.

Now, what do I say?

Ah, yes.

I don't know what it is,

but, somehow,

you're completely different to all other girls.

May I?

May I take your coat?

Oh, what a beautiful neck!

Quite irresistible.

Forgive me. I just had to do that.

Doctor?

Please, darling, just call me Jim.

Dr Kilmore?

Oh... Oh, oh, Nurse Clarke.

Excuse me,

but there's a casualty in Fosdick.

Oh, good!

There. Doctor will be here in a moment.

I should hope so.

For all he knows,

I might be lying here with my life ebbing away!

Well, it can happen, you know.

You never can tell.

One moment you're here, the next... phut!

I think he's phutted already.

What've they got you in here for?

Something nasty?

No, not really. Just a pain in the back.

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