Carry on England Page #2

Hah!

Parade! Right turn!

As you were! As you were!

You stupid f...

How is I expected to use the proper words

with women present?

Never mind. Never mind.

Just f...

Forget it.

Go away.

(Stomach gurgles)

Ah, yes, sir. They gives me a headache too.

It's not a headache. It's the stomach.

There's a button in it.

What you might now call a belly button, sir.

Hee-hee hee-hee!

Oh, shut up!

20 year I've been a sergeant major

and nobody told me to shut up before.

I is the person what tells people to shut up, sir...

- Shut up!

- Hah!

Now, Sergeant Major,

what, in your opinion, is the thing most

calculated to make things hot for this shower?

Well?

What's the matter with you, man?

Have you been struck dumb?

- I asked you a question.

- Sir.

- Have I got permission to break the silence?

- Of course you have.

Very well, sir. Kindly repeat the question.

I repeat, what in your opinion, is the thing most

calculated to make things hot for this shower?

- Only one thing in my book, sir.

- Yes. Yes.

- Firing squad.

- Ah, yes. That's it.

What sort of a suggestion is that,

Sergeant Major?

The only one I has to offer.

I has tried everything else.

Well, thank you. That's been a great help.

I shall have to think for both of us.

I've got it.

- We're going to have an air raid.

- My God, sir! They will panic.

- This is just a practice.

- They'll still panic.

Yes, they will, won't they?

- The wind.

- Not me, sir.

No, Sergeant Major. The wind is what you

and me are going to put up them.

(Burps)

- Gives me the wind just to look at it.

- Leonard...

- What?

- I've got this feeling.

There's a time and a place for everything.

- Not that kind of feeling.

- I didn't know you had any other.

No! Listen!

I've got this feeling that that new bloke's

going to make trouble for us.

That pipsqueaker?

He's too little to be awkward.

Squash him into the ground.

Not worried about him.

I'm more worried about this.

- Do we eat it or rub it in?

- You can bounce it off the ceiling for all I care.

Right, Sergeant Major.

They should be starting on their pudding.

Now! Now, Sergeant Major!

- Sir?

- I said now.

- There is no need to shout, sir.

- What?

- There's no need to shout!

- What are you mumbling about?

- There's no need to shout!

- Who is?

- I said now!

- Hah!

(Air raid siren wails)

Here. What's that?

- No, it can't be.

- It can't be what?

- What I think it is.

- What do you think it is?

It's an air raid.

ABLE:
Get a move on!

I'll say one thing for them, Sergeant Major...

they certainly know how to run.

Oh, yes, indeed, sir. Of course,

they is running in the wrong direction.

- What?

- The gun emplacement is over there, sir.

- Well, why are they running that way, then?

- Air raid shelter, sir.

- They built it. They calls it the snoggery.

- I don't care.

There's an air raid on.

This is an anti-aircraft battery unit!

Is it?

(Whines like an attacking bomber)

Rat-a-tat tat! Rat-a-tat tat!

(Aeroplane attacks)

(Aeroplane fires)

Bang!

MELLY:
Bang!

I could have sworn someone said "bang".

Oh, Leonard. Ooh, what a lovely idea.

(Laughs) Lovely.

I said bang!

You heard what the officer said,

you horrible shower! He said bang.

Don't you realise there's an air raid on?

(Stammers)

Course we do.

Well, then?

Well, you shouldn't be out in it. Come in here

with us, sir. There's plenty of room.

Yes, do join us, Tiger.

I'm not coming in there.

You are coming out here.

With an air raid on? There's ladies present.

- You can't have them out in an air raid.

- No, you can't.

There is no air raid.

- B-B-But you said there was.

- It's a mock air raid.

ALL:
Oooh!

I mocked it and you made a mockery of it!

That's nice, isn't it? You're having a mockery

while we're having our grub.

- I was just enjoying my spotted dick.

- Yeah.

Shut up!

All right. Carry on, Sergeant Major.

- Carry on what, sir?

- Get 'em out! Get 'em out!

Sir.

- (Captain Melly mutters)

BLOOMER:
Right!

Get outside on the double!

Move yourselves! Move yourselves!

Get the lead out of your pants!

Knickers, Tiger. Knickers.

What?

Ladies wear knickers.

Pants or knickers, shift your ar...

What's inside 'em.

Now, look...

20 years I've worn this crown on my sleeve.

(All hum sad tune)

You wouldn't like to be the cause of me losing it,

would you?

I mean, after all that... serving...

of King and country.

Oh, Tiger...

You all heard what the sergeant major said!

All out! Or I'll break you in two.

BLOOMER:
In two lines. Move yourselves.

Move yourselves!

Come on! Come on! Come on!

Now, you dozy lot,

when I say "man the gun",

I want you to double off to the emplacement.

Now, man the gun!

(Whispers)

Oh, for heaven's sake. All right.

Woman the gun as well.

BLOOMER:
Come on, you Brownies!

Let's have you! Knees up, knees up, knees up!

(Soldiers bark orders)

Load!

- Sergeant Major!

- Hah!

What the blue-blank-blazes is that?

It's a gun, sir.

It's made of wood.

It's not a real gun yet, sir.

A gun emplacement without a real gun?

With respect, sir. Remember there's a war on.

Real guns is hard to come by.

Permission to carry on with the gun drill. Fire!

Bang!

What the devil's going on now?

We're dead, sir. A round exploded in the breach.

It's the ammunition we're being sent.

(Melly farts)

- Anything wrong, sir?

- (Farts again)

- You've gone white.

- It's that damn button.

Are you taken short, sir?

(Stomach gurgles)

Keep your voice down, Sergeant Major.

(Stomach gurgles)

You just carry on doing

whatever it is you're doing.

(Melly farts loudly)

- No.2 detachment, take post!

(Melly farts continuously)

BLOOMER:
Go to bearing 90-2E-20!

(Toilet flushes)

BLOOMER:
Halt!

Now, this time, just for me, let us get it right!

Parade... dis-miss!

That was lovely. Good. Thank you very much.

Get out of my sight!

That includes you, Ffoukes Sharpe! Look sharp!

Silly boy.

Aarrghh!

You may not frighten the enemy,

Sergeant Major,

but, by heaven, you certainly frighten me.

It's not my fault, sir. That was hers.

- It was entirely hers, sir.

- What are you talking about? Whose fault?

(Mouths) Oh, Tiger.

Private Ffoukes Sharpe, sir... is after me.

After you? What for?

- She has designs on me, sir.

- Get this bloody thing off me!

Sir!

- Oh, I sees your predicament, sir.

- And I feel it. Get it off!

Steady, sir. Resist me.

Resist me, sir.

You is not resisting.

Pulling out.

Sergeant Major, we're getting nowhere fast.

Perhaps you should er... clench your cheeks, sir.

They are clenched.

That is true, sir. Forward march.

Right. Clench the table, sir.

Now, grit your teeth

and we will have it off in a minute.

A bit of leverage.

Aaaaahh!

Brace yourself, sir.

Is it off?

- Can't you feel the difference, sir?

- No.

It must be your bum is numb.

Permission to un-numb bum, sir.

Get on with it!

Aarrghh!

That will soon bring the blood back

to your cheeks, sir.

Cruel to be kind, sir. Cruel to be kind.

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