Carry on England Page #3

If you're going to talk about

being cruel to be kind,

you may as well know,

that as far as that shower outside is concerned,

that I intend to be cruel to be cruel!

- I is very worried, sir.

- You is very worried.

- I is worried about you, sir.

- Thank you, Sergeant Major. Very decent.

I think you is going to cause trouble

and they will not like it.

The likes and dislikes of the men

under my command are neither here nor there!

Sir, if you does not know

the difference between here nor there,

you does not know the difference

between men and women.

Some of the men in this camp is women.

They are all men to me.

Oooh, I wish they was, sir. I wish they was.

I'd have them saluting till their arms dropped off.

I'd run them till their legs dropped off

and I'd rant and roar till their ears dropped off!

As from tomorrow, I intend to start a series

of what I call my agony parades.

In that case, sir, tomorrow morning, the only

parade you is likely to see is sick parade.

(Trumpet fanfare)

- Right. Who's first?

- A-a-a-a-a!

- What do you think these are, Nurse?

- Come on, then.

Oh! Oh, Nurse.

Oh, Nurse. I need assistance.

Oooh! Oh. Oh!

All right. Drop your trousers.

But, sir, it's my ears, my nose, my throat...

- My throat and my knees. My feet... oooohh!

- I'll be the judge of that. Drop 'em.

Nurse, two aspirins, please.

Right. Next!

Here, Shaw. What did he say to you?

He said, "Drop your trousers,"

had a look and gave me two aspirins.

What sort of a doctor's he? Here we are

pretending we've got different complaints...

Hey, Shorthouse, what did he say to you?

He said, "Drop your trousers," had a look...

- And he gave you two aspirins.

- No, he gave me half an aspirin.

- All right, drop your trousers.

- Aaaerrhhee!

I was... (Stammers incoherently)

Haabbeeerrr!

Have you noticed

anything strange about me, sir?

Yes, you haven't dropped your trousers.

Two aspirins, Nurse.

Yes. Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Hey, he told me to drop my trousers

and he gave me two of these...

aschooo... sprins!

All right. Drop 'em.

Nurse, two aspirins, please.

- Where are they?

- They is all sick, sir.

- All of them?

- I told sir so, did not I, sir?

Hee-hee hee-hee!

Well, never mind. I've had a word with the MO.

Those are my orders.

Right, Sergeant Major.

Let them know that we're here.

13-13 Battery, get on parade!

I want you to run them into the ground.

What about the females, sir?

As far as I'm concerned, this is a unit.

One piece.

My duty is to make it an efficient unit.

I am unaware of males or females.

To me, they're all alike.

They are the same. Right, Sergeant Major?

Give 'em hell.

Ah-haaah! Come on!

BLOOMER:
That is not the way!

That is not the way.

When one of your comrades is a short arse,

like Shorthouse here, a taller man

climbs up on him. Down, Shorthouse.

- But, Sergeant Major.

- Do not "but, Sergeant Major" me!

Get down. Watch me.

Right. Steady. Up!

Give me your hand!

Now, pay attention.

You cannot go under the wire.

You has to go over the wire,

which means that one of you

has to lie on top of the wire

and let the rest of them walk over him.

Right. One volunteer.

- You!

- Me?

Move yourself!

That is not the way. That is not the way! Fall out.

Move yourself!

Watch me. Watch me. Haarrgghh!

Charge!

Next.

No, no, no, no, no! That is not the way.

You must not stop to think.

- Are you sure this rope's safe, Sergeant Major?

- Safe? Of course it's safe. Watch me.

(Tarzan call)

Well done, Sergeant Major.

Fingers of steel, boy. Fingers of steel.

Right.

Right, Gunner. Your turn now.

(Squeals of laughter)

Drown the lot of you.

Sergeant Major...

- Yes, ungrateful...

(Door opens)

Come on, Sergeant Major. Wake up.

On your feet...

I'm talking to you, Sergeant Major!

- Sergeant Major!

- What are you up to, boy?

- Come on!

- Serge... Sergeant Major!

- Oh, it's you, sir.

- God!

Have you gone mad, Sergeant Major?

You sort of walked into my nightmare, sir.

I thought you were short arse, sir. I'm sorry.

And so you damn well should be, man.

- You dropped your hat, sir.

- Where is it?

Right, Sergeant Major.

Sergeant Major, now you're on your feet,

I'm going to blast their blasted evening.

- What have you got in mind, sir?

- A surprise kit inspection.

Men's hut first.

# Tango

- Get those pants down.

- Not bloody likely.

# Tango

- Having a musical soiree, are they?

- Sounds more like a tango, sir.

Oh, come on, Sergeant Major.

Aarrghh!

Enemy approaching.

Operation Scarper!

You is covered in shh... something distasteful.

- I'm aware of that.

- Are you going to change or what, sir?

I mean, there's... a bit of a pong.

Sergeant Major, when I start something,

I go through with it,

come hell and high water!

And whatever this is.

Tell them I'm here!

Commanding officer!

Your nostrils, Sergeant.

My nostrils, sir?

They're twitching.

It's like, suddenly, there's a funny sort of smell

come into the hut, sir.

Why do you think that is, Sergeant?

Well, it's like suddenly...

someone's come in who's covered with sh...

Ooh, something nasty, sir.

Yes, someone is.

Me!

Now, Sergeant...

...how do you suppose that occurred?

I...

I can't say, sir.

- I can. Trip wire.

- A trip wire, sir?

It tripped me right in it.

- Right into the?

- Yes.

(Gasps)

How do you suppose...

it got there?

What, you mean the er?

- You know the officer means the trip wire!

- I'm doing the talking, Sergeant Major.

Well?

Well...

Well, sir, that... that is a trap

for Nazi paratroopers, sir.

Am I a Nazi paratrooper?

No! No, sir. You're one of us.

I think.

Explain yourself, Sergeant.

Well, sir, in this hut,

we are usually otherwise engaged.

You know, kipping and things like that.

And... well, we thought some sort of

early warning system was necessary.

I mean, you can't trust that Hitler, can you, sir?

And this unit prides itself on being ever ready.

- Yes, Sergeant?

- Bombardier Ready, I wasn't talking to you.

I am addressing the commanding officer.

What is that man doing sitting at attention

on that man's shoulders?

Well, sir. That's presence of an officer, sir.

- But why sitting on someone's shoulders?

- Sir, Shorthouse has a fine head of hair.

We use him to keep the cobwebs down.

Ready, give the officer a demonstration.

My head! Ow, my head! He's banging it!

Careful! You're banging my... Ow!

READY:
You're off balance!

Enough of that. Enough of that!

Get down, that man!

- Sergeant Major.

- Hargh!

Stand by your beds! This is an inspection!

Move yourselves!

Come on! At the double!

Get properly dressed! Do yourself up, lad!

Do your flies up, that man!

Your brains is catching cold.

Lay it out! Lay it out!

Hang properly to attention, that man!

- You call that laying it out?

- Give us a minute, Sergeant Major.

Never mind that, Sergeant Major.

What the devil is this?

Ah. Yes, sir.

You see, those, sir, are ear muffs, sir.

A trophy of war, that is, sir.

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