Carry on Girls

---

And since I am strongly of the opinion...

...that we are already providing

more than enough entertainment for visitors,

I wish to propose the motion

that the provision of more

would be detrimental

to the good name of the borough.

- Knickers.

- Please, Councillor!

- Strike that from the minutes, Miss Drew.

- I beg your pardon, Your Worship?

Don't take down "knickers".

Chance would be a fine thing,

wouldn't it, love?

Councillor Fiddler, I really must request you to

moderate your language when in committee.

I second that.

I do beg the committee's pardon, Your Worship.

But all this bleeding codswallop about mucking

up the name of the borough gets on my wick.

- Should I...

- No, no.

Oh, gorblimey, why don't we face facts?

We don't attract visitors to this dump because

there's nothing for them to flipping do!

Of course, we are well aware that Mr Fiddler

would like to see more people

in that so-called amusement arcade of his,

playing on those dreadful machines.

You're dead right. Do you know how much

What the Butler Saw took last season?

1.60... that works out

at about two pence a grope.

Please.

I really do feel that we are somewhat

straying from the point here.

That is the point! It's the only indoor amusement

we have, except snogging under the bandstand.

I do feel, you know,

that Councillor Fiddler does have a point there,

considering our very high

seasonal rainfall figure.

Oh, really, Mr Mayor?

Personally, I think it is quite an average one.

If you think nine inches is an average one,

you've been spoilt.

Yes...

yes, yes.

Does anyone else have any useful suggestions?

- I have.

- What is that, Councillor?

- Miss Fircombe.

- I beg your pardon?

Miss Fircombe... a beauty queen! That's

what we want. All the best resorts have 'em.

Mr Mayor, I think we have wasted

quite enough time here today,

and I propose that you close the meeting.

Please. Mrs Prodworthy, please.

I do feel that the proposal

merits some discussion.

Mr Mayor, you are well aware

of my views on women's rights.

And there can never be anything proper in

young women being shown off like cattle,

for the sexual gratification

of a lot of drooling men.

Bowls.

I beg your pardon, Alderman Pratt?

A bowls competition. That's what we need.

Poor old Pratt! He really will have to go.

And so will I. We've heard quite enough rubbish

spoken here today.

Oh, but we still wish to hear yours,

Mrs Prodworthy.

Your views, I mean.

I think I have made myself perfectly clear.

And as far as I am concerned,

the matter is closed.

Good morning.

Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear.

I'm afraid that's that, then.

We're still in committee.

I propose we put it to the vote.

- What? Without Mrs Prodworthy?

- We've still got a quorum.

Yes.

Yeah, all right, then.

All those in favour of the motion

to hold a beauty contest?

One only.

How about you?

You were all for it a moment ago.

Very well.

All those against?

Two also.

I'm afraid we still haven't a majority, Councillor.

Hang on just a minute.

Oi! You're all for it, ain't you?

Yes... any time.

Carried.

- Morning, madam.

- Good morning, William.

Mrs Dukes.

- Let me give you a hand, Mrs Dukes.

- Thank you, William.

It's been a...

Go. One, two, three.

Thank you, William. Are you all right now?

Yes, thank you. It were just a touch of... eugh.

I generally get it at this time of the... whay!

Yes, it's the sea air.

Yes.

Hello, Mrs Dukes.

I thought you were going to the cinema.

I did, but I had to leave. A young man sat next to

me and started to make improper suggestions.

- Again? You should complain to the manager.

- I can't. He's after me too, you see.

Well, perhaps you shouldn't

make yourself look quite so attractive.

I can't help it. I give out waves, you know.

- Really?

- Yes, my late husband used to call it "oomph!"

William... have you seen Mr Fiddler?

Yes... not a bad photo, considering.

No, I don't mean this. I mean, has he been in?

Ah.

Yes, it was last Tuesday.

Has he been in today?

Today?

Now, let me see...

Never mind, William. If you do see him,

could you tell him I'd like to see him right away?

Yes.

What shall I tell him if I don't see him?

Nothing, William. Nothing.

Yes, I'll try and remember that, Mrs Philpotts.

- Is the Admiral all right?

- Yes, I think so.

He's quite old, you know.

He's not as fit as some of us.

Whay-ahh!

We don't need your recommendation, thank you.

Go on, hop it!

Blimey, it's all happening here.

(Bell rings and William bumps head)

(As boxer) I'll get him. I am the greatest.

I beg your pardon.

I thought I was back in the game then.

Willy, I want a nice double room,

with hot and cold running chambermaids.

Yes, sir.

'Ere, does that mean

you and Mrs Philpotts are going to do it?

- Don't be filthy.

- I didn't mean that. I mean get hitched.

No, I wouldn't say that. We're just good friends.

Oh. Well, I wouldn't bank on that for the minute

if I were you, Mr Fiddler.

Oh. It's like that, is it?

Yes. Oh... I'm glad you reminded me.

Mrs Philpotts said to tell you...

Now, I must get this right.

Take your time. I've got all night.

No, that wasn't it... Yes, it was! No.

No, it wasn't.

Dearie me! It's on the tip of my tongue.

- Your finger.

- My finger, yes.

No, that wasn't it.

While you're thinking,

get that number for me, will you?

I'll remember it, don't you worry.

I'll get this number for you while I'm waiting.

Hoyah-mm!

Get off! Hoya... shoom!

All right, I'll do it myself.

- Gorblimey!

- I'm only doing my best, that's all.

Give me that thing! What's the matter with you?

Give me the book. Thank you.

01-754-3230.

(Phone rings)

Potter Publicity Bureau.

To whom do you wish to speak?

Hello, Paula. Sid here, Sid Fiddler.

How are you?

- Oh, very well, thank you.

- You haven't changed. Is Peter there?

It's that terrible man Sidney Fiddler.

You don't want to talk to him, do you?

- I'd better.

- You know what he's like.

- He may have something for me.

- If it's like the last time, you'll need bailing out.

I can handle him. Hello, Sid?

- Hello, Pete. How's business?

- Great, great.

I've got a job here

you'd love to get your teeth into.

- What is it? He's got a job for me!

- I can imagine.

I want you to do the publicity

for a beauty contest here in Fircombe.

A beauty contest... What, you mean girls?

I don't mean budgerigars.

Oh, I don't know. I don't think Paula would

like me getting mixed up with a lot of girls.

- Why not?

- Well, we're engaged.

And you know how jealous Paula can be.

Just think of all those lovely 38s and 40s

bobbling up and down.

I am. Phwoar!

Sounds an interesting assignment, Sid,

putting Fircombe on the map.

Writing about local trade figures

and that sort of thing.

- Oh, she's come back into the office, has she?

- What's the job worth?

100, in round figures.

And there'll be plenty of those, I promise you.

100?

- It could be more. I'm on the council.

- I think I'd better come down, Sid.

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