Carry on Girls Page #2

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That's my boy.

Don't take any of that old guff from Paula.

If she doesn't like it, tell her she can lump it.

That's how to deal with women, treat 'em rough.

Hello, sweetheart. I didn't see you.

Obviously. I'd like to see you, Sidney...

right away.

Ah, that's it.

Mrs Philpotts wants to see you right away.

- Thank you, Willy.

- I knew I'd get it.

And how's my favourite little hotel keeper today?

Hungry... very hungry.

- So would I be if I had to eat here.

- But I haven't eaten.

- Are you on a diet again?

- No, you had asked me out to lunch.

Oh. Blimey, so I did. I'm sorry, love.

I've had a very busy day.

I've been in it right up to here.

So I see.

That's it. Great idea, isn't it?

Oh, for you, I'm sure it is.

No, I did it mainly for you, darling.

For me? Oh, really?

You've got a hotel. Just think of all the people

this will bring into town.

You'll be packed out.

And the beauty contestants will stay here.

Of course, I hadn't thought of that.

Now, that was very clever of you, Sidney.

You know me, love. Anything for you.

Anything but marriage.

As I was saying, you'll have at least a dozen

beauty queens staying here for a start.

- At the usual rate?

- You can't charge the contestants, can you?

Why not?

Well, they're the bait, aren't they?

When people hear about these dolly birds

staying here, they'll queue up for your rooms!

I don't doubt that. But I won't have anything

going on here that might upset my regulars.

Don't worry. I've fixed that. There will be

a full-time chaperone here day and night.

Well, that is better.

Who?

It wasn't easy, but we got it down

to a short list of possibles.

We had to find people

that would not take advantage of the situation.

Somebody honest and dependable

with strict morals.

- And?

- They talked me into it.

I knew it. Chaperone?!

You and a bunch of beauty queens?

It's like asking Dracula

to be in charge of a blood bank!

Darling, that's not true.

You know I don't go for beautiful women.

- I like you.

- That does it. Get out!

- All right, I'm going!

- You lecherous so-and-so! Get out!

Really, Mother!

I don't see why I have to come too.

You haven't come to

since the day you were born.

Look.

You were there

when he gave out this statement.

You even took this photograph

of the revolting man.

I want you here as a witness

to what the Mayor says.

She's still under way, sir.

She's not heaving to, sir.

Very well, Mr Christian,

fire a shot across her bows.

Aye aye, sir.

Oh, come along, answer the door.

(Bell rings)

- All right, I'm coming.

Sorry if I kept you waiting.

I was in the lav, you see.

Mrs Bumble,

I wish to speak to your husband immediately.

You'd better come in, then.

I've only got to go to the lav

and someone starts knocking at the door.

It's almost as if they knew.

Mind you, I must admit, I do go rather a lot.

Well, I'm not here to take a census

on toilet habits, Mrs Bumble.

Please take me to your husband.

I couldn't disturb him now, dear. He's upstairs.

Well, I damn well can!

Very well, Mr Christian.

Stand by to ram and board her.

You've seen this, I presume?

Yes, but...

you have no right to be in here, Mrs Prodworthy!

Never mind that. Do you mean to tell me that,

in my absence, the committee

actually approved this disgusting idea?

Mrs Prodworthy, I hardly think that this is

the time or the place to discuss matters.

Poppycock!

I've seen men naked before, you know.

Damn it, I've buried three husbands.

I'm not surprised to hear it!

Excuse us, sir.

- Come along, Mother, please.

- Now, you shut up!

I want a straight answer.

Was it or was it not approved?

Mrs Prodworthy,

I refuse to discuss this with you in my bath!

I am not in your bath, thank goodness.

- Was it or wasn't it?

- Yes, it was, but...

Then I must warn you

that I mean to fight it to the bitter end.

Mrs Prodworthy.

I have a civic duty to support any project...

Oh, fiddlesticks! You are a weak-kneed ass.

And as far as I can see, you are as poorly

equipped to carry out your civic duties

as your domestic ones.

That's what the job's all about.

I still don't see why you have to stay down there.

They need some on-the-spot publicity now.

I've done all I can at this end.

Surely you understand?

No. Stop being so secretive and tell me

what the job's really about.

- It's a publicity campaign.

- To publicise what?

Fircombe.

They're having a sort of competition to go with it.

Like spot the b*obs?

What? What made you say that?

Well, like the one spotting the deliberate

mistakes on cornflake packets.

Well, not quite like that.

It's to encourage people to come to Fircombe.

You haven't exactly encouraged me to.

I couldn't trust myself

to ask you to come with me.

- I'd burst in and try to make love to you.

- You know I wouldn't let that happen.

Exactly, that's why I didn't...

didn't want the temptation.

Anyway, I'd lose my job,

and then I couldn't afford to marry you.

Excuse me, are you going to Fircombe?

This train's going there, yes.

Good.

- Do you know that girl?

- No.

Funny, she's going to Fircombe too.

- A lot of people must live there.

- Are we all right for Fircombe?

- I'm sure you are!

- Thanks.

I'm beginning to understand

why you don't want me down there.

Don't be ridiculous, darling.

You're the only girl in my life, you know that.

- Is this the train for the beauty contest?

- Yes, that's right.

- Oh, good. Are you coming?

- Certainly not!

Perhaps you're right. Are you in this one?

That's right, I am.

Oh, I'll join you, then.

- You didn't say anything about a beauty contest!

- I think I'd better go.

Excuse me.

Well, goodbye, darling.

I'll be back as soon as I can.

(Fabric rips)

- Oh! Oh!

Why didn't you wait until we were in the tunnel?

I thought I was. Sorry.

Sorry, darling.

Kiss?

I'll take bust any time!

Bust! Any time!

I saw them soaking in the bathroom last night,

and in the morning they were gone.

Mrs Dukes, I cannot believe that one of these

young ladies would take your knickers.

(Grunts)

I'll make enquiries, of course.

What were they like?

Red flannelette... reinforced.

Yes, I see. Well, I'm sure they must turn up.

- They can't. They've got elastic at the bottom.

- How chic.

Well, I'm sure they'll be fine.

I certainly hope so, because I don't feel at all

safe walking about this town without any.

- Perhaps I can help, Mrs Dukes.

- Oh, Admiral!

Come outside, ma'am.

I've got something to show you.

- What do you mean? Where?

- All will be revealed, madam.

Across the promenade there. Look!

I've got to check all your measurements.

- I've never had it before.

- The experience will do you good.

- Sidney, I'd like a word.

- Yes, love, what is it?

- It's about these complaints.

- I'm not complaining. Everything's going fine.

Yes, I can see that.

- Run along, we'll finish off later.

- Finish what? You measured everything I have!

Off you go.

She's always kidding, that one.

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