Carry on Girls Page #3

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- What's the trouble?

- I'm worried about my permanent residents.

All this running about, in and out of

each other's bedrooms... it's not good enough.

At their age they ought to know better.

It's your girls I mean!

I've heard them... all night long, doors banging.

With a bunch of young dollies,

you've got to expect a bit of banging.

I expect you to get them all into bed

at a reasonable hour.

I promise you I'll do my very best.

Mr Fiddler, what about these photos?

I haven't got all day.

Excuse me, love. Business.

I'm waiting for my publicity man to turn up.

I'm covering the Mayor's opening this afternoon.

- You do get some unpleasant jobs!

- He's opening a municipal building at four.

Thank you.

Thank you, ladies and...

(Laughter)

And what about the ladies, may I ask?

What was that?

Why is there provision only for gentlemen in this

monument to natural and universal functions?

- Hear, hear!

- Because it was specifically designed

for use by the male sex

as approved in council last September.

I see. So the ladies must wait, is that it?

Mrs Prodworthy... I do feel

that the place for protest is in the chamber.

I did protest in the chamber, Mr Mayor,

and most strongly.

I still insist on knowing why this place

could not have been for the use of both sexes.

Because it's for men!

We can't have them all using the same one.

Perhaps the Mayor would care to explain

why we can't all use the same one?

Yes, well...

- Why can't we all use...

- (Whispers)

Ah, yes!

Because the fittings are different, for one thing!

We all have only one thing, Mr Mayor.

(Laughter)

Mrs Prodworthy, you are deliberately misun...

misunderstanding me.

- What I am trying to say...

- I know what you are trying to say.

You are trying to say... that women are inferior.

Hear, hear.

I put it to you that this is one more example

of this council's policy

to deliberately demean

and debase womanhood.

Hear, hear!

A policy which was brought to a head recently

when, in my absence,

they passed this disgraceful resolution

to hold a beauty contest here.

Hear, hear!

I want every male here to know

that the women of Fircombe

are determined to stop this degrading spectacle.

Until it is called off, we will squat...

in this erection to man's so-called superiority.

- Hear, hear!

- Mrs Prodworthy, please!

Forward, liberators of Fircombe!

Forward!

Please, please!

SID:
Come on, girls.

Get changed for photos. Back in 15 minutes.

What do you want us to wear?

Anything that will bring out your best... points,

Miss?

Downs. Ida Downs.

I bet you come from Beds.

- No, Bristol.

- I should have guessed.

I've got a rather smashing two-piece swimsuit.

- Great, just wear one piece of that.

- Will they publish pictures like that?

- Not in my paper.

- All right, I was only joking.

You go and get 'em both on.

Go on, get your gear ready.

- How's it going, love?

- Wonderful.

Since all this started, I've let ten rooms...

all for you... for nothing.

Wait till old Pete gets that publicity really rolling.

The contest is in ten days.

- You've still got your permanent residents.

- If I've got any left!

Ooh! You're a dirty old man!

Er... Mrs Philpotts!

I wish to complain.

This young woman molested me.

- Well, I like that!

- Whether you like it or not, dear, is immaterial.

- He pinched my...

- Don't worry about it. I'll sort it out.

Cheeky little thing!

I'd like to put her across my knee.

- I'm sure you would, Admiral.

- Yes, by Jove... What?

Mrs Philpotts, are you suggesting...

Damn it, for two pins, I'd move out of here!

Good afternoon, sir. Can I help you?

Yes. Have you got any rooms, please?

Certainly, sir. Our terms are 7 a day

or 40 a week all in.

Mr Fiddler said it had all been arranged.

You see, we're in the beauty contest.

Yes. So I see.

Oh, well... (Chuckles) in that case,

take your pick. Take the lot. Go on.

Be my guest, room with a view and all that

sort of thing. Righto, have a good time!

Pete, we're waiting. The photographer's here.

Where the hell have you been?

Sorry, the train was late.

Some trouble on the line.

Trouble? With these two? You're joking.

- This is Miss Bangor.

- Really? How do you do?

And this is Miss Brakes... Dawn Brakes.

Dawn, my favourite time for getting up.

- I was Miss Dairy Queen, you know.

- You still are in my book, darling.

Sid, are there any rooms for us?

The woman behind the desk went all peculiar

and threw these at us.

She's overwhelmed. They haven't done

this kind of business since Mafeking.

Photo call in ten minutes.

Gorblimey, not again!

William!

I want you to come over the promenade with me.

Yes...

Why?

I want you to take my knickers down.

Pardon?!

Well, they're on the pole over there.

Oh, I see.

Well, you'd better take my arm,

because it can be a bit tricky crossing this road.

Right.

(Motorbike approaches)

(Horn beeps)

- It's already been done.

- Well, what hasn't?

- Excuse me!

- Not now, sonny, I'm busy.

Sonny?! You want your eyes tested.

I thought they always built the shock absorbers

into the bikes.

Saucy!

- Are you the bloke in charge?

- That's right. Fiddler's the name.

- I'm Hope Springs.

- Hope Springs? I don't believe it!

True... Well, actually, my real name's Muriel

Bloggs. But it was hardly right for this game.

- What game?

- Beauty contests, of course!

- Don't tell me you're a competitor?

- Of course I am!

See?

Miss Easy Rider.

- I beat 14 other girls for that.

- Doing what?

I was at an advantage.

We had to do it on a motorbike.

- I'd have thought that was a handicap.

- No, I mean I've been riding a bike for years.

Good for you. But this is

a straight beauty contest. No kinky stuff.

You feel I'm not right for it, don't you?

No, I just don't want you to waste your time,

that's all.

Oh, I won't, don't you worry.

- I look a lot different in a bikini.

- So does he, but he's not entering.

Just wait and see. You're in for a big surprise.

- Have you got a room I can change in?

- Use mine.

- You won't come in?

- Not until you're halfway through.

Maybe I'd better have a room of my own.

Perhaps you're right. Come on.

Connie, have you got a room

for this young lady?

Of course, Sidney.

I think you'll find that an ideal one.

Thank you, Connie.

Just a minute. It's for the broom cupboard.

Right... where we keep all the scrubbers.

- How!

- All right, keep your hat on.

Go and change in mine. I'll sort it out later.

Ta. I heard that.

Does she fancy you or something?

You know how it is. A widow with a place

like this, things get on top of her.

Yeah, I bet they do... frequently.

Go on, get changed.

Ta. See you.

Ahem! Excuse me.

Mind if I join you?

Help yourself. It's big enough, isn't it?

By Jove, yes.

I won't ask how far you want to go.

I might get the wrong answer.

Only to the bottom, my dear.

Oh... so you want to play, do you?

Come on, then.

Argh, get off!

No, no!

(Hope cackles) Come on, lover.

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