Carry on Girls Page #4

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I've only just started.

- That will teach the old buzzard.

- What did you do to him?

I think I tickled his fancy.

Well, do I pass now?

With honours, in at least two subjects.

Saucy! Let's hope the judges think like you.

If they do, they'll all get locked up.

Promises, promises.

Am I too late for the pictures?

- No, go to the others over there.

- Ta.

- That's the lot, is it?

- Er... no. There's still Miss Brakes to come.

- Oh, no, not Dawn! Is she here?

- That's right. Do you know her?

Do I? I'm not saying anything against her,

but if this was a dog contest,

none of us would stand a chance.

If it was a cat show you'd do all right, though.

I like the girl, honest.

It's not her fault she has to wear a falsie.

- What do you mean a falsie?

- She has one bigger than the other.

- Is that right?

- No, left.

But you're crazy about her?

Oh, I wouldn't say a word against her!

Like in the last contest we were in.

We were sharing this dressing room together,

and I had this fabulous silver bikini.

And I just popped out for a while.

It could quite easily happen in that outfit.

I'm not saying she nicked it, mind, but...

(Donkey bellows)

Push, push!

PETER:
Keep him coming.

Good boy. That's a...

Keep him quiet. Push!

Aagh!

- What's that?

- All right. It's only a donkey.

I know it's a donkey!

What's it doing in my lounge?

That's a good question.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

- Sid, meet Cleopatra.

- How do you...

- Have you gone out of your mind?

- No, it's for the photos.

Beauty and the beast. Get it?

Beauty and the beast! What a great idea!

Come over here. Come on.

- I am not having it here. Take it out.

- Be reasonable. It's only for a few minutes.

- Reasonable?! I don't even allow dogs in here.

- It's not a dog.

I know it's not,

but these carpets are very expensive.

(Splat)

I'm afraid it's too late.

- Don't just stand there, get a shovel!

- Yes.

It'll be very good for the potted palms.

Get it out of here, Sidney. Get it out!

Right.

We'll get a couple of quick shots first.

This is what we'll do. We'll get one of the girls

to sit on the donkey... What's wrong with you?

Oh, gosh.

- Are you ready for me now?

- More than ready, darling.

I want you to come and sit on this donkey.

All right. Are you sure it's safe?

He doesn't look too happy.

He should be. He just got a big load off his mind.

If you say so.

SID:
Wait.

Don't just stand there.

Come and give her a bunk up.

- What?

- A bunk up! Come on.

Oh, I see... right.

Ready?

There we are. All right, girls.

Come on, let's have you.

Round the donkey, please. Come on.

That's it.

All right?

All right, Larry, we're ready.

Just a minute, I've still got my robe on.

Hang on.

I knew it!

You thieving b*tch!

- What's going on here?

- That's my bikini she's got on.

Really, I don't know what she's talking about.

- Just a minute.

- She nicked it from my dressing room last year.

Darling,

I wouldn't be seen dead in your old rags.

You'll be seen dead if you don't give it back!

That's quite enough.

You stay out of this!

You rotten cow!

No!

Hope, come on!

Get it off!

Stop it, somebody!

Break it up! Come on.

Is Councillor Fiddler here?

- Just about.

- What?

What is going on?

Ladies, please!

(Commotion)

(Splat)

Come on! You've done enough damage as it is.

Come on, leave my potted plants alone.

William, come on with the shovel.

Quick, before there's any more damage!

(Clock chimes)

Mildred!

Ya-aagh!

Mil...

Mildred!

(Radio blares)

You're up, then.

Of course I am! Didn't you hear me calling?

No, I had the radio on.

I know you had it on.

I can't remember when you had it off.

Neither can I.

Are you aware that it is now five past nine?

Am I missing something, then?

My tea. I ordered it for eight-thirty.

Better late than never, I always say.

Here you are, then.

Thank you very much.

- Enough sugar?

- Quite.

And cigarette ash.

Isn't it time you started thinking

of getting dressed?

What for?

Have you forgotten

what I kept on telling you last night?

To stop snoring?

At ten o'clock, we have an official visit

to the maternity hospital.

Do I have to go?

Of course you do. They're expecting you.

I don't really feel up to it, Frederick.

You've got to.

You are the Mayor's wife, God help him!

You have a duty to do.

And that doesn't mean sitting around here

all day like an old compost heap.

Yes, Frederick.

You should take pride in being the wife

of Fircombe's leading citizen.

And what, may I ask, is so amusing?

- You.

- What do you mean?

Here you are.

- Is that you, Rosemary?

- Yes.

Have you seen this?

Yes. Bloody disgrace!

Still, what can you expect from a man?

My boy Lawrence took it, you know.

- It's done him quite a bit of good. And us.

- Us? Why?

The more old Bumble lays himself open

to ridicule like this,

the better our chances

of having a lady mayor next time.

Gosh, yes!

That would hit 'em where it hurts, wouldn't it?

Oh, please, Rosemary. I don't like any reference

to that area of their so-called superiority.

By golly, you'd make a spiffing mayor, Augusta.

We've got to keep up the pressure

against this damn beauty contest.

I agree. What's the next step?

I've been wondering. Have you any pull

with anyone at the maternity hospital?

Good Lord, no.

It's hardly my scene, is it?

Only the Mayor is opening

a new nursery there today.

I thought we might arrange a little...

surprise for him.

(William sings to himself)

How do you do?

Mr Prodworthy, I'm so pleased you could come.

You didn't mind me calling you, did you?

- Not at all, Miss Brakes.

- I saw your photos in the paper. I'm impressed.

- I thought perhaps you could help me.

- Of course. Anything.

A magazine wants some pin-up photos,

and you'd be the person to take them.

- Thank you. Um... here, do you mean?

- No, on the beach.

Oh, fine.

Oh, but I advise plenty of warm clothing.

- I don't think the magazine would like that.

- Why not?

They only want nudes.

You have done nudes before?

- Oh, yes.

- Shall we have a bash, then?

- Pardon? Oh, er... pictures. Now?

- Yes, they want them by the end of the week.

Yes, but naked...

on the beach, in broad daylight, in Fircombe?

I'm sure we'll find a deserted spot.

Come on.

Oh!

I beg your pardon?

Of all the filthy rotten beasts!

Disgusting! You're a sex maniac!

I didn't... Honestly, I didn't do a thing!

Say goodbye to Mrs Philpotts for me,

there's a good fellow.

Ohh!

That's about the fourth that's left this morning.

You don't have to tell me. Where's Mr Fiddler?

He's still up in his room.

He just sent down for some more coffee.

I'll give him coffee!

Good. It'll save me a trip.

(Knock at door)

- Come in.

- I'll have it here, please, on the bed.

- You won't, you know!

I'm sorry, I thought it was my coffee.

That's OK. Look, I came to apologise

for what happened yesterday.

Are you joking? Have you seen the publicity

we got out of it? Front page, every paper.

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