Carry on Girls Page #5

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- Good. I was hoping it'd do the trick.

- What do you mean, you were hoping?

Well, the donkey wasn't a bad idea,

but there's nothing like a really good punch-up,

particularly amongst women.

You mean you started it deliberately?

You're a clever little devil, ain't you?

Well, I'm pretty sure it was my outfit she had on.

Of course, I could be wrong.

We should get together.

With your brains and my beauty,

we could go places.

I don't think I could teach you much.

- You want a bet?

- I think I'd better be going.

Come here. What's the hurry?

You know what the others would say

about me being here.

"Why should she have all the luck?"

They'd say I was trying to work on you

to fix myself to win.

They'd be dead wrong. Nothing in the world

you could do would influence me.

- Hop in here and I'll prove it.

- No, thanks. I'll take my chance with the rest.

Send the others in one at a time, and I'll prove it

to them all. Now you can't say fairer than that.

I really think you would, too!

(Knock at door)

Leave it outside the door, please.

- Sidney, I want to talk to you.

- It's Connie.

- She mustn't catch you in here.

- Sidney?

Just a minute, love.

- Quick, get in the cupboard.

(Spring boings)

My dressing gown's got caught!

- Oh, no!

- Sidney!

All right, love! I'm not decent.

- It's caught in the spring.

- Do something, for God's sake!

But turn the other way.

- (Snorts and snarls)

- Sidney?

Coming!

Come in.

- Sorry to keep you waiting... just getting dressed.

- You didn't get very far.

- What's the matter? Something's upset you.

- Upset?

Four more of my regulars moved out today.

That's seven gone in two days.

We don't want to discuss it here.

Let's go down to the office.

In your pyjamas?

Charming, that should get rid of a few more.

I'll put on my dressing gown... No, I won't.

You go downstairs and I'll follow straight...

- What is it?

- That's what I'm wondering.

There's my dressing gown!

I'd wondered what happened to it.

Won't be long.

(Fabric rips)

- It's shrunk.

- Where is she?

I don't know what you're talking about.

There isn't one.

I always go to the bathroom. Connie!

- Connie, wait a minute!

- Oh... hello.

I thought as much.

Connie... wait a minute.

Connie!

DAWN:
Gosh, you're right, it is a bit nippy.

What do you keep looking round like that for?

LARRY:

I'm just worried somebody might come along.

So what?

I'm sure they've seen a naked girl before.

Well, I haven't! Well, not like this, anyway.

You're not embarrassed, are you?

You shouldn't be, you know.

As a photographer, you should

regard these things objectively.

Nobody could regard those things objectively.

Why, what's wrong with them?

Oh, nothing. They're, er...

Come on, let's get on with the photographs.

Oh, I've still got my panties on.

Oh, er... haven't you taken enough off?

Not for the magazine these photos are for.

LARRY:
Oh, my God!

OK, now, Larry?

DAWN:
Oh, help! Help! Get me out!

Help, help! Get me out!

(Toilet flushes)

It won't be long now.

- I'm used to this sort of thing.

- Quite all right, Your Worship.

- Here she is.

- Sorry to keep you all waiting.

- It's a weakness of mine, you know.

- That's all right, Lady Mayoress.

Frederick could tell you. I have to get up

four or five times during the night, don't I?

I'm sure the matron has no wish

to listen to our nocturnal habits, Mildred.

I didn't mean those sort of habits.

We haven't done anything like that for...

Could we please get on with it, Matron?

Yes, of course, Your Worship.

This is the new nursery.

As you can see, we've named it

the Frederick Bumble Nursery.

I am, of course, highly honoured,

but I would have thought that Mrs Prodworthy

here, as chairman of the hospital board...

Thank you, Your Worship, but the committee

felt the honour should go to you.

The commemoration plaque is at the far end.

Now I must ask you all to be very quiet,

as the babies will all be asleep.

Of course. Bless their little hearts.

Just leave them. Leave it!

Just leave them there. Leave them!

(Whispers) Just pull the cord when you're ready,

Your Worship.

Yes, of course, Matron. Yes.

- Ladies and gentlemen...

- Shh!

(Softly) Ladies and gentlemen,

it is with the greatest pleasure...

nay, even with pride...

that I unveil this commemorative plaque

to mark the completion

of this splendid new nursery.

- Who is responsible for this?

- (Babies start crying)

Who was responsible for this?

I'll have them...

Who did this?

Shut up, you little devils!

Shut up!

Who was it?

I tell you, I've never been so humiliated.

And it's all your fault!

You and this wretched beauty contest!

Come off it, Fred. It can't be all that serious.

I tell you, I was a laughing stock.

Even the babies were wetting themselves.

I wish we'd known.

We'd have had a photographer there.

You won't need any photos,

not with Augusta Prodworthy there.

It'll be all over the town by now.

I still think you're making a mountain

out of a molehill.

Now if you hadn't been wearing

your underpants...

It was ghastly enough, thank you.

If you don't believe me, ask her.

She'll tell you.

Well, say something, woman!

Is there a ladies' handy?

Oh, shut up!

I warn you, Fiddler, I will not be involved

in any more of your publicity stunts.

No more!

Pity, because he's got a good one lined up.

- I do not care. Come along, Mildred.

- It would have done you a lot of good.

Put you in a heroic light for a change.

I don't wish to... know.

Oh?

How do you mean?

Heroic light?

You know Lovers' Walk,

where everybody goes for a snog?

Yes... what about it?

This is it. One of our girls goes for a walk,

is attacked, has half her clothes torn off,

but is rescued in the nick of time by guess who?

Me.

What would I be doing there?

Well, you just happened to be there,

with your wife, of course.

What, me...

down Lovers' Walk with her?

You must be raving mad!

He's got a point there, Pete. Tell you what.

We'll fix you up with one of our girls.

You are raving mad! Oh, let me get out of here.

Oh, it's you, Your Worship.

I didn't recognise you with your trousers on.

Mildred! Let's get out of...

Oh, dear. Did I say something wrong?

Not so as you'd notice.

Did you talk to Connie?

Yeah. I tried to explain to her

but she just wouldn't listen.

- Just like a woman.

- What do you expect?

She finds you and Hope naked in your room and

you expect her to believe nothing happened?

I still don't believe it myself. I must be slipping.

Silly. I like to think a man can have a relationship

with a woman which isn't just based on sex.

I fully agree. She should have money, as well.

(Phone rings)

- Hello?

Yes, just a minute.

It's a fellow from the television studios.

He wants to talk to you.

Councillor Fiddler speaking.

Are you the person

organising the beauty contest?

- That's right.

- Well, I'm... Cecil Gaybody.

- You don't say.

- I do Woman's Things every week day.

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