Carry on Girls Page #6

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- Aren't you lucky!

- The magazine programme.

What did you have in mind, Mr Gayboy?

Gaybody.

You know the kind of thing...

come down, interview some of the girls.

Oh, yes. And I think that's a great idea.

I should be very happy to lay it on for you.

- We could come down this evening.

- Six o'clock? Fine.

Byesy-wyesy.

Yes, and byesy-wyesy to you, too.

We're in!

I'm telling you, we're in.

They want to do a television bit on it.

- Great!

- On what?

That's what we've got to sort out.

It's got to be something sensational.

Think.

You've had a lot of experience.

What we want is some big surprise.

Nothing would surprise me in this game,

even if one of us turned out to be a man.

That's it. That's it!

I love you! Didn't I tell you you were a genius?

- Are you kidding?

- No, no. Can't you see it?

There are the girls lined up,

being interviewed on the telly,

then one arrives looking absolutely fantastic.

Suddenly... pop!

- One flat tyre.

- Do you know, it could be kind of funny at that.

- It'd be money in the bank.

- Aren't you overlooking one small point?

- None of our girls are men.

- How do you know?

- Don't be ridiculous, Sid.

- All right, we'll get a man to do it.

I'm sure the Mayor

would be only too willing to oblige.

I don't know.

I don't think we'd have to look very far, do you?

You know,

I think we might just about get away with it,

- with a good wig and make-up.

- And flat heels.

Oh, no.

- No, I'm not having that.

- Come on, Pete, what have you got to lose?

Nothing much,

but I'm not losing it dressed as a woman.

Nobody will know it's you.

You can change back immediately after.

I'm not changing my sex for you or anybody else

and that's flat. No, definitely no!

Stop wriggling.

I can't help it.

I can hardly breathe in this damn thing.

Then don't breathe.

That's fine! Don't move, stop breathing...

Why don't you just bury me and have done?

That would be a good stunt.

You can have the other girls as coffin bearers

with black armbands and a lily stuck up their...

There. 'Ere!

Not bad. I wish your knees

weren't quite so knobbly, though.

Oh, I am sorry.

I'll go to the hospital and get myself deknobbled.

Anything else you'd like me to have off?

We could do with a little bit more padding

up here, though.

That's all right. We'll just get them

to transplant the knobbles from my knees.

I'll do that, saucy!

(Phone rings)

Hello.

Hello, is that Mrs Prodworthy?

Yes, it is. Who is that?

You won't know who this is, but...

- Choo-gai, hurgh!

- Blimey. Not much, she won't.

Kindly state your business.

Well, this may come as a surprise to you,

but one of the entrants in the beauty competition

is really a man.

What? I can't believe it.

Well, have you ever seen a young woman

using the gentlemen's toilet?

No... but it's possible, I imagine.

What, standing up?

Good heavens!

But this is incredible! Which one of them is it?

I'm not prepared to say. If you're at the hotel at

six o'clock, you'll have a chance of finding out.

- Did she swallow it?

- Hook, line and sinker.

Willy, well done. Not a word of this

to anybody, particularly Mr Potter.

Of course not, Mr Fiddler.

Very nice, I won't forget...

Mr Fiddler? Could you... I seem to have mis...

This is silly. I can't even see my feet now.

You should worry.

I haven't seen mine since I was 13.

Come on. Sit down at the dressing table

and we'll try the wig on.

Now, what do you think you look best in?

A black out.

Which would you prefer, a short or a long one?

I think this one.

There you go.

There. What do you think?

Do you know, it may sound kinky but...

I could fancy myself.

You wait till you see yourself in a dress.

(As Mae West) Come up and see me sometime.

(Knock at door)

- Who is it?

- It's me, Sid.

- Just a minute. I'm not decent!

What am I saying?

How's it going?

Hey... you're lovely!

- Shut up!

- No, really, I mean it. Come here.

Get away from me, you dirty old man!

(Sid cackles)

Well, Sid, what do you think?

Absolutely perfect. Look. He'd fool anybody.

- Until I open my big mouth.

- You don't open your big mouth.

When they twig you're a bloke,

gallop back to your room and change.

What do I do to show them I am a bloke?

If the answer is what I think it is, no, I won't do it.

It's all right, don't worry.

When I introduce you, you step forward, trip,

your wig flies off, I scream,

"Gorblimey, it's a fella!"

Sensational.

- Very subtle.

(Phone rings)

- Take this.

- Give me this.

Room 44.

Yeah, I'll tell him.

The television people are here.

Here we go. Now, stop worrying.

Go on, get into your dress, there's a good girl.

No, it goes over your head!

Bend down.

You could do with a spot of rouge

on your cheeks.

Get out!

What television interview?

I don't know anything about any interviews.

Excuse me, but we made arrangements

with Mr Fiddler to film here at six o'clock.

- In here?

- Not in this dreary room. It's not Bleak House.

Look here, I refuse to stand here any longer

- and take any more...

- Connie, leave it to me.

Get them out of here, understand? Out.

I'm not having any more of your little stunts.

Excuse us. Connie...

I can't just chuck them out. Think of the publicity.

We can't possibly get enough of it.

Really? I was under the impression that

you were getting more than enough of it!

Excuse me. I'm sorry about that.

Mr Fiddler, we've come quite a long way,

and I'm really rather worn out.

And you look it... tired, I mean.

I'd like to get it over with.

Through here, please.

(William mumbles to himself)

Hello, can I... I won't keep you a moment.

Hello? Hello?

Oh, it wasn't... it was...

I'd like to see Mr Potter, please.

Yes, just one moment, I'll...

Ee, give over!

Mr Potter? I won't keep you a second.

Yes, Potter, that's quite right.

It's room 43, the fourth floor.

It's all right, don't you bother.

I'll give him a buzz for you.

No, no, please don't bother.

I'd like to surprise him, anyway.

Yes, well, it's room 43, fourth floor.

Ho! Shut up.

Careful.

I think you'd better go down a couple of flights,

so you can get used to the frock. Come on.

All right. Quiet, everyone, please!

Ready whenever you are, Mr Fiddler.

Hang on, we've just got two more to come.

Excuse us.

Here they are. Up here, please. Come on.

By Jove, what a magnificent beam!

You clumsy cow!

- I'm awfully sorry.

- Don't worry, I'll do it myself.

Miss Potter,

would you get on the end of the line?

Be a darling, Miss Potter.

There we are. All set.

Thank goodness for that.

Now we'll start.

Come on, girls, don't forget,

tease, please, plenty of tease.

Come on, throw your thingamabobs out.

Not right out, darling.

It's not an educational programme.

Yes, yes, I know. But even supposing

that your information is correct,

I fail to see what we can do about it.

Inspector, is there no law against

a man masquerading as a woman?

Well, if it's with intent to defraud the public,

yes, ma'am.

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